New old friends


I’m so excited! I finally get to meet a dear sweet friend whom I got to know over the past year through this very blog! She has also gone through many of the same things as I. Her wisdom is beyond her years and it will feel so good to finally get to give her a hug!
There are moments in your life where you are scared that they won’t happen so you lock up your excitement, banish anticipation and hide how really thrilled you are because if something should happen it feels like an even bigger let-down. I did all that until now. Now I’m banking on seeing her and I’m giddy.
My husband has no idea what this person means to me. He thinks she is just a pen pal of sorts. Before you get any ideas, no, we have only mildly flirted. She’s more of a soul sister, not to box her in there. We could spark like nobody’s business, but at the moment she is a ray of light in a world sometimes filled with cloudy days and that is worth so much more to me.
Rare is the chance to find others that can lift your spirits with such ease. I have a handful of AH-MAZING friends and to find another that is just as beautiful inside and out is a rare gem. AND I GET TO FINALLY MEET THIS RARE GEM! Yay!

Grudge f¥€k


She was all over me tonight, kissing me on the lips and telling my husband. He pretended not to care. He sat placidly by as she kept groping me.

When we got home he passive aggressively fucked me. He pulled my hair and held me down. Normally I don’t mind being dominated but this was different. He was upset. He wanted to show me that I was his … This was different.. I cried quietly and them
He realized the depth and gravity…

I’m not sure what to make of it. I just know it hurt more than most things I’ve felt in a long while …

The naked truth


Her eyes devoured me in one glance. She knew she was going to get me from the moment she met me.
She oozed sexuality
Like a perfume
That smelled of diamonds and lust
Her eyes consumed me, erecting my thoughts in only one direction, hers.
My skin raised and flushed as if her fever had already ignighted my soul. I was intoxicated. From the hips and down I go. I was quivering as she lead me on and on and on. I was gone before we started. Before our lips ever parted. My heart was telling me no, no, no this is so wrong yet here I go go go on my hands and knees begging for more please. I couldn’t have known could I? Should I? How right it was? How ignighted I was? My hips on fire and passion exploding, eroding fears of who I was. Who will become as I became undone. We were one and one again flaming fires and burning embers into the night. She had me before I knew I was taken. I was shaken cause she knew me more than I knew myself. I trembled and shook shaking my mystery of what was me, off of me. Get this history off of me! Gracefully she stole my veil and blew my cover, my lover and I never knew I had such things underneath. She stripped me naked down to my soul and ate me whole. I came out but a seed of what once was me. I did not love my lover but loved what she did. She undid me so completely like a loosened corset pulling away restrictions that once bound my breath too close to my soul, forced never to let go. Until this. The kisses undone and parting lips, pressed my soul to give in. I breathed for the first time. Like big gulps of air as if I had come up from fathoms under the sea. You see I held myself down so long I thought drowning was what I was supposed to do to. Compressed, I never knew how good it felt to come to the surface above of the waves of worry and wonder. She devoured me with her eyes at the bottom of my self doubt and delivered me to the surface where she coaxed me out. She coaxed me out. Out into the air of reality of who I see looking back at me. I could no longer breathe in the self loathing chamber I constructed out of social structure and fittings of trying to fit in. I could no longer be constrained by self ordained hypocrisy. Her curves fit me like a new suit that no longer pulled at my lungs from speaking the truth. Dare I find another lover I’d be undone anew but I miss the fit and feel of someone that real, and hope to have it soon.

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Dear future girlfriend


Dear future girlfriend,
I know you exist. I have been looking for you for a long time now. Not so much once I got married. I no longer wanted to find you for a while, but what I didn’t realize is that when I stopped looking for you I stopped looking for me too.
I wanted so badly to be the perfect everything that I forgot I wasn’t, nor did I need to be. I gave up on finding you assuming I could play the straight card or, even better according to my husband, the bi-curious wife card. Except I’m not curious. Like a child who’s had ice cream before, there isn’t really any curiosity, just seeking a pleasure I already know I like. Unlike a child, I can maintain my composure and wait patiently. I have been waiting my whole life it seems.
I’m hoping you do exist. I don’t expect to be whisked away or have some strange hidden romance. That’s not really what I’m looking for. What I’m looking for is courage. I need a muse who will hold my hand as I stand up for myself. I need a voice when I have none. I need a friend who will give me her words as cherished gifts knowing I will hold them precious and dear to my heart. I need someone who wants me but does not need me, someone who can trust I will always have their back even if it hurts my heart. I want a lover who will not be afraid to stand up for herself and will refuse nothing less than 100%.
I have looked for you as a teenager in high school, I have gone through college and my single life to no avail. I assumed that I must not be “as gay,” because I found a loving man who filled so many of those voids, yet here I stand, still empty and waiting.
How did I come to this? When did I give up? When did I trade my true self in for the acceptable version?
If your “out” there… Can you hear me? I am no longer afraid to look, I just hope I am seeing clearer now.

numb


It’s been forever since I’ve written. I fear I’m in a sugar and fat induced depression coated with crap that’s gone wrong and layered in self loathing. Yeah, that good. It’s been far too long since I’ve really cared about myself. I have been snacking on shit and my ass has hit it’s limit, refusing to slide easily into once well fitting jeans. The cold outside has taken its toll on my energy making me sleep far too much and care far too little. Showers and leg shaving have little use to me as I feel I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything of worth. My makeup bag lays dormant waiting for me pick it up and revitalize my sad pale face but even on days when I do I don’t feel the mascara can plump my heart as it lifts my lashes nor can the foundation garner the coverage needed to hide my sadness.
It’s easy to play happy. Just smile wide and poke fun but some days I can’t muster the strength even for that. I am fighting an inner battle that my husband is only summarily aware of. My sister has again been submitted into a hospital for her attempts at ending her life. I was once a main character in a job where i gave my heart and soul. I now have been set aside as some fill in relegated to the back of the bus. People I cared about deemed me unnecessary and apparently unworthy. I was heartbroken yet I saw it coming. The hardest part was that no matter how hard I tried no person could fill the expectations of a certain perfectionist who couldn’t stand the thought of someone being above her in any way. I lost my best friend, my dog Roxie, of 14 years to old age. I had her since she was a puppy. I had to have her put down, which was the hardest part. There are no words for that.
I am flailing in a sea, trying to stay afloat. I am drowning in apathy and sloth. I am melting into my chair hoping that I blend right into it so I cannot feel or be. I do not want people right now. I do not want love. I want nothing which scares me more than anything.
I bitch and complain and hope that repeating my feelings with evict them yet my heart still numbly aches and I wish to say less. When I drive, I just want to drive away.
My daughter got a rather bad burn and the doctor said that if its not painful, it’s not a good sign as all the nerves are gone. I feel that way. All my nerves are gone. I try to relish the here and now but it’s not tasting like anything. Not sweet. Not bitter. Her pain was the only pain I felt.
I am waiting for the return of the sun and its warmth. Perhaps it will thaw my spirit and help get me moving again. One can only be this way for so long. It’s been too long already.

Hit Like


I keep checking my phone
Like we all are now
Looking down at that blank screen
Staring back at me
Hoping it will fulfill me
In a way I haven’t yet dreamed
Checking messages
Texting no one
Reaching out to faceless “friends”
In a world that never ends
It just eats you up
Eats your time
Just hit like and like again
Can we be friends?
Stalk me again
I need to be needed so I check my tweets
And I
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Until hours go by
And the pain goes dry
Hit like
Hit like
Hit like
Hi friend
Bye friend
I stare for hours at my small screen
Punching in words
In texts
checking out dreams
But reality is a funny thing
Cause no quote will fill your heart strings
No like will make your heart sing
There aren’t enough emails that will hold you close
when all is getting cold
Hit like
Hit like
Hit like
I stayed up so damn late last night
My face lit up
an LED glow
An epic low
Awash in games that have no point
Muting my life and its glory
Hiding behind a techno allegory
Get to the next level
Beat the opponent
I poke my keys
And keep going
Hours and hours
of lost time
Wasting away
Searching
For the right time
To update my status
with a status symbol
A thimble of pride
I hide behind my wide smile
They all agree
Hit like
Hit like
Hit like
But hey, that’s not me

If only you knew


If only you knew what I was hiding. Dark within the confines of my soul. The things I share are sprinkled throughout my life so no one knows too much. If only you knew the pain that grips me inside and how my heart would bang against my chest in uncertain measure. My anxiety grabs hold with clenched fist and cold heart, teeth sneering yet never telling me what’s wrong. If only you knew how much I loved you and now I’m so confused on what love is or when to let go. How does one give in to temptation when all your life you are told that temptation is just that. A fools gold. Am I a fool for wondering what that is shimmering in the distance? Should I ignore my heart as it flutters at the sparkle? The grass is just grass, no greener than it is here yet I hear the music over there… I see the shine in thier eyes. Is it all real or just another life led differently? How does one measure two things when one is not there. How do you pick when all you have is the tangible? If only you knew how your love pours on me and smothers me in my own self loathing. My mind creeps to far off places as you embrace me in your arms donning gifts of compliments and trust, which I feel I do not deserve.
If only you knew how hard I’ve loved you. When things were bad and I wanted to run. I stayed through your inadequacies when most would have baled. I pulled you up from out of your cave. You made my life harder than I ever thought it had to be, yet I stayed. I am no hero for it either. Just a wife and best friend. That’s what you do when you are each others rock.
If only you knew how long I’ve held this so close to my heart. Perhaps that is why it tries to leap from out of my chest. If only you know how my fear of meeting someone grows bigger everyday. You have been so wrapped up in me you lost yourself. If only you knew how beautiful you are as yourself, not an extension of me. You are not mine, nor have ever been. You were with me in it together. If only you knew how badly I want to go. If only… I could tell you without breaking your heart.