Lesbian sex … mmmmmm

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I dream of it, I fantasize about it and yet it’s been something I have had not much of in a very long while. Who knew lesbian sex could make women question “If” they could even do it. The resounding answer from one time rookies that I’ve talked to is “YES!”  I had one friend who I remember clearly saying “Well, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to go down on a woman.” That girl has had some very fun nights since then.

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This Flow chart shows a fun way of what is and isn’t “sex.” But really, if it feels like sex, honey, you’re probably not gonna be staring at a flow chart to figure it out. It’s funny how self identified “straight girls” who play claim that lesbian sex is not sex at all. I guess because there’s no penis penetration. But really? If your boyfriend came home and said, “I have to tell you something… I did everything but put my penis inside her… ” would you say they didn’t have sex? To me, exactly how the toes curl, be it from fingers to tongue to penis… it’s sex. I would call that sex, because if he was doing that without my permission, I’d call it cheating.

I’ve been reading a lot about sexual fluidity and apparently women’s sexual attraction will fluctuate throughout their lives. Some, way more than others. Even lesbians may find later on that they are having attractions towards men. For some reason I find this comforting. Not because they are switching but because they are probably just as confused as I am. And let’s be honest, we never want to be alone in our misery. Especially in the beginning when you realize that your identity isn’t as solid as you once thought it was. I kind of equate it to becoming a teenager all over again. Here you are, coming to the realization that you are not exactly like everyone else and you feel awkward and alone. Your need to fit in is at odds with your need to realize your full identity. The breakthrough comes when you begin to accept the strange new creature that is you, social stigmas and all.

For me it came when I finally really came out to my husband. When I told him about my hot night with my coworker. I spilled most of the details but held back because I was still so leary about being completely honest. In retrospect I should have divulged it all, but now it’s not vital, so I will let it rest. He accepted the news with almost a zest. This probably isn’t how most husbands would handle it, but I am fortunate to have one that is very understanding. Now, I am completely open about my attraction, and as long as I’ve kept him happy it’s been a win-win and hopefully will continue to be.

For now I am searching for another FWB but so far no luck. I have a few friends who are at least bi, but it frightens me that I might spoil a good friendship just for sex, or lead someone on. So I wait. Testing the waters to see if I can make my own flowchart and see how far down I can go on it…. ;-)

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BFF Fantasy League

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I am surprised that of all the fantasy Leagues that are out there, no one has created a Best friend Fantasy League. If you could pick from famous actors, who would you pick to hang out with and why? There can be more than one, it is a League after all.
I would like Ms. Congeniality, Sandra Bullock as a BFF. She would be the one you would tell your secrets to over a coffee at 3 am in some greasy spoon. Both of us would be in ponytails and no makeup, wearing our sweats as we pour our deepest secrets out onto the chipped Formica table. I could totally see her divulging her secret fantasies as I nod and suck down strong creamy coffee.
My adventures would never fall short with Bear Grylls and Gillian Michaels. Between the two of them I would never sit down. Bear would show me how to make a zip line out of a Parachute and some old sneakers while Gillian would yell at me to go faster and flex all my stomach muscles while I’m doing it. I could imagine the two of them quarreling over how to cook the squirrel. It would be a fecking riot.

My pick for an amazing night out would be Neil Patrick Harris. Could you imagine the trouble you would get into? It would probably start out normal enough, hanging out at some funky little Indian restaurant no one has ever heard of in spite of the fact that has amazing food and a live tiger in the back room. He ends up eating the whole spicy curry dish winning us a pic with the pacing creature. Just to be cool, I consent to the picture whilst imagining how the tiger will devour me even though I still smell of the from dinner.
After that he’d HAVE TO show me the best view of the city which happens to be on top of a suspension bridge. Needless to say, it would de finely be the best albeit scariest view by far. Then we’d have to go dancing, VIP, of course. Everyone who’s anyone would be there but NPH wouldn’t care. He insists we invite a few locals and a bum he bummed a cigarette from. We climb into his Eco friendly Hummer and pull in front of a large dark building lit up only on the top floor by what looked to be a spaceship landing inside the loft. We all fall out in line after our toe-headed leader. Ahhhh… Wonder what else he has in store…
Yeah, so those would be my picks. What would yours be?

The deliciousness of a lady

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9b2a64f424587c500dbe2b1ab882a95b-1I pine to be with a woman. My hips writhe in anticipation of my next encounter. How can someone be so entirely consumed by something? It isn’t as if I have a bad sex life, quite the contrary, but it’s missing that curve appeal. I had a taste and I want some more dammit. My body is tense and on edge as my eyes fall on beautiful women everywhere. I am innately aware of their soft breasts lifting their summer shirts and the  peekaboo of skin as the curve of her back gets exposed while she bends to reach something. I close my eyes and imagine those small soft hands touching my skin or the scent of her hair as it brushes by me. I am a bloodhound of senses as my body awakens to it’s desires. It’s as if I had taken some pill that puts every part of me on edge. The night has come and the full moon is shining down on me. My thirst has not been quenched.

The hard part is that the last encounter I had was such a beautiful success at the moment but such a hot mess after the fact. It had little to do with the me and the woman involved aside from the fact that her husband apparently wasn’t as ok with her curiosity as she had thought. Oh well. It was fun. But now I am again sitting here, alone, waiting for someone to play with. A friend. A confidant. A sexual deviant like myself. Why is that so hard? I just want to please her, make her toes curl as I try my best to find every spot on her body that makes her shudder. I am hoping that this does not last long and I find her.

I am trying not to be too much of an instigator. I want it to be someone who is independent of another persons pull, like myself. I respect my husband, but I own my actions and do what I need to to be true to myself. I would like someone who is confident enough that if they too are exploring, they do not sit firmly under someone else’s thumb. It is impossible to have a true friendship let alone anything else that way. I want a deep friendship where it is more than sex, but it isn’t something where I have to worry about the “Decide between the two of us” moments. I never intend on leaving my husband for someone else, unless that someone else is me. Honestly, the only reason I’d leave him is if I just cannot tolerate my sexual frustration and our marital issues any longer. The “grass is greener” viewpoint usually is followed by Murphy’s law/ Karma. I know that the overall of a fun and loving lesbian relationship does trump that of a shitty heterosexual one, but I am not willing to take that chance. Not yet any way, especially when my relationship hasn’t been very shitty. Moments of shitty, yes, but in it’s entirety, no. All relationships have bad parts though, but mine is mainly decent. That still doesn’t keep me from wanting to fuck, make love to, ravage, sleep with a woman….

Fuck…

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Libido’s gone wild

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We had some amazing sex… several times in one day. It was unabashedly about being carnal and because we were home alone all day, it was spontaneous and fun. Yes, I’m talking about with my husband. He was cool and funny and very casual and I guess my hormones were set on high, after all I hadn’t had any in almost a week. That’s like dog years to me, well, so long as it’s sex I desire.

I didn’t have to fantasize, cause it was right there. His masculinity excited me as he took me feverishly without abandon. I like a dominant partner who perks up at my cues to be taken. It’s delicious. He knew my buttons and how far to push and he pushed them exquisitely, I shuddered past the edge.

And then like that, my libido was moderately satiated. I say moderately because I still fantasized about women for next few days and at night he would try to have sex with me like it was my duty. There was no ravishing or romancing. It was as if I was failing my part to please him sexually, and he has begun to let me know. Last night I had asked him if he could find me some antacids (ya know, for an upset stomach) and as he plops two into my hand he requests to be paid back in kind with a favor! You guess what kind. I am perplexed at his inability to understand that sex is not a form of repayment, nor am I a prostituting myself to please his insatiable appetite.

He also seems to not get that a long day and his pissy attitude at the end of it does not equal a horny wife. It just doesn’t. Add on top of it that my attraction lessens when I am home and constantly being badgered about sexual favors and unwanted  advances at inappropriate times. I feel like I am just his plaything. It’s incredible how quickly the state of affairs declines in just a few days time. He does not see it that way either. He balks at the fact that we only have sex when I want it. What he doesn’t realize is, he’d actually have to say no, for there to be a time he doesn’t want to have it. Ugh.

I love women and sex with women. I love the smell of them, the depth of their personalities and insight but sometimes I wonder if I am driven to them because putting up with shit like this is so carnal and masculine, I’m just tired of it. I hate being pawed at like some hooker who should put out cause he set the table or vaccuumed the fucking rug. “Wow. Oh, geeze thank you. How eva did I git through life without these small measures of love? I’s must now get on muh knees so’s I’s can suck thanks you proppaly masta!”

And so it begins again… I muster up the life within me to go home and put up with his shit until I gather more courage to call him out on it. So the circle goes on.

She mistakes seduction for love. Over and over again, her heart is broken.
~ Rebecka Eggers

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Homebound

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I am flying back to my life in Texas. It’s hard to go back when all of my family is in New England. Sometimes I feel like I’m close to my in-laws but most of the time I squeeze in more than fit in. My family is incredibly supportive and giving while my in-laws tend to reserve that for emergency use only. For example, if we wanted to go on a vacation together, we would have to practically beg his family to take our kids. Whereas my family (mom, sister, aunts uncles etc…) would keep my kids for the weekend without fail. I miss being in New England. I miss my family and beautiful countryside. I miss the food, the coffee, the wicked smaht people and the smaht asses too. It’s so very gay friendly that I forget to hold back in front of my mom sometimes. The women are beautiful and don’t mind showing cleavage.

So i think about what it would be like to move back home. I wonder if I could actually be as “out” as I am so close to my family. The scary part is that my mom is very homophobic and would have an easier time if I told her I was leaving my husband for another man than if I said I was just gay and wanted to be free to be myself, alone. I don’t think that she could wrap her head around that. I think she would judge me harshly, questioning my ability to parent whilst exploring my gayness. Could/ Should I bring along the hubby to help me with the “transition” and then trap him here? Ugh. Cause that’s what it would be, a trap. I just hate that my mother is so far from my kids especially after my sister had her miscarriage. I feel at odds right now. In one hand I love her and New England but at the same time I really am finding a certain amount of freedom in Texas that I never knew existed. I could certainly move to Austin and live a pretty out and proud lifestyle if I went that way. I could also stay on this open marriage path and see where it takes me. (I’m already on it, so I’ll stay on it for a bit.) But then what? What do you do when you have such strong forces pulling you in two different directions? Go in a third direction?

He tells me how lucky he is EVERY DAY. He tells me that he loves me and that I am so beautiful EVERY DAY. Who walks away from that? It’s nearly impossible to imagine someone like that could happen along again. Not without some sort of crazy baggage. So I’m here on this soaring sled, flying home to someone who gives me more than I can return. My heart is still in Boston, trying to decide to get on the plane with me. Someone please tell it that the plane has already left.