and then reality hits

I matter.

That’s what I thought as we became closer. And I guess I do. As a good friend. I think her vulnerability has no limits and she pressures herself to please others. Was I one of them? Did what we have really matter at all or was it just a side effect of our friendship and her need to please?

I don’t want to be undeservedly given something. I don’t want something that isn’t really mine. Like hearts or sex. My mind cannot grasp at false love or sex that isn’t passionate. I cannot give myself to someone without it being very real. I’m so fucking slow. I don’t want to hand over my heart. Sex isn’t as hard but my heart is attached weather I like it or not. Now I am heart broken or at least wounded. Is this what it feels like? I didn’t know this feeling existed.

The stupid thing is, she didn’t “cheat” on me. Hell, she has a boyfriend that she’s breaking up with (I think.) But she has been hanging out with another guy “friend” who has been saying all the right things. She finally caved to his advances last night. She called me to tell me today. I had a feeling it was gonna happen eventually. They had been talking for a while and he had been saying all the right things. Perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt, had she gotten rid of guy number one and slowly made her way to guy number two. She doesn’t know how to go slow I guess.

It’s so fucking ironic that I finally write something so sweet and and wishful only to be struck down less than 24 hours later by reality. I honestly started looking at her like a potential partner. Like I could have been the girl to turn her and she was already turning me. One fucking bubble bath and I’m a goner. I’m really just mad at myself. Why did I start dreaming like that? Why does it depend on someone else to become a reality? It shouldn’t. Who the fuck am I? What do I want?

I need to do something. Change my perspective… something. I’m not in a good place right now.

My lover, my Pearl

in the water

So, I am smitten… I can’t believe how quickly I have fallen for her… I asked the universe to give me someone who fit into my parameters of needs and then she appeared as if some fat cherub also Moonlighting as a genie made this wish come true just for shits and giggles. She’s amazingly beautiful but painfully modest about her looks. She has had relationships with both men and women. She is currently in a strange boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with a guy who is obviously out of her league, yet she doesn’t realize this. He is accepting of whatever she throws at him because he knows he couldn’t do better than her in a million years. She is still unhappy with him, all the while she hangs out with me a few times a week to chill. Most of the time we just talk. Last week we took a long hot bath together that lasted about an hour and a half. We laughed , talked and washed each-other with the intimacy only lovers know, while listening to sweet songs play. It was glorious.

I haven’t felt that connected to someone in so very long. Her skin is so soft and sweet. She smells of gardenias and wears pearls all the time. Her neck is like a garden I long to visit and smell her sweet perfume. We laugh and talk about everything and I find myself falling down a rabbit hole but not too concerned about where it leads.

My husband knows about my lover, let’s call her Pearl. He seems to be ok so far with my friendship toher. He knows what we have done and what we are capable of. I think he gets a bit jealous sometimes, but I’m not really sure it’s actually about being jealous of her being WITH me, as it is, he is jealous that he hasn’t gotten to be with anyone else? Is that healthy? I am fine with sharing him with another woman, but that is because I’m really not happy with our intimacy. I feel more intimate with him when we just play. Sex is very much about meeting an end and less about embracing each other. I told him about my bath with Pearl and he was confused as to why we wouldn’t have sex, after being so close and naked. I told him that it was more about the intimacy and caring for each-other. He asked me if I was going to leave him for her, half-jokingly. That’s not my plan but I’m not hiding who I am from him nor am I going to stop this ball from rolling.

My body reacts so differently to her than it does to him. I cannot control it, believe me I have tried. I have been so upset because my body would not respond to his touch in such away that one would expect. I chalked it up to being dehydrated, tired or not worked up enough, but when I’m even near her or think about our experiences together, my body reminds me quickly how much I am attracted to her and women. This is not new, but it’s definitely more apparent to me now. I used to fantasize about prior and imagined lesbian experiences and now I just think of her. My husband likes this because I’m more receptive to him, but I’m afraid that at some point, that will not be the case…

I’m confused but honestly I’m in a much better place because above all other things she has become one of my best friends. I love this about her. She consistently assures me that no matter who she is with, I am and will be a constant in her life, as she will be in mine. At this moment, I could not ask for more and I cherish were I am with her right now, as scary as it may be.

I hope that I may always choose the right path, however scary it is is, with good intentions and love. I hope that my husband will always know that I love him and his support of my journey of self discovery. I hope that I may be of as much help to him in his. That is all I can ask for.

Thanks for reading my blog and sticking with me through my dry spells of writing. It has been much harder to get myself to commit to a few hours of writing, but I promise to be better this year. It’s gonna be an interesting Featured imageone.

My sunshine

Since my last post I have been a very busy beaver… Pun totally intended. I met hey beautiful muse who sings like a goddess. She is sexy as hell and I have had flirtations with her since last year. We had some fun one night at a friends house but is been left to just that so far.
In the meantime A good friend of mine has become my lover. It has only been one week but I am forever changed. She confesses to me that she has feelings for me. I feel the same way towards her as well. We are both in a good place where we do not want to leave our men yet feel the need to explore each other further.
This has awakened something in me that I just cannot explain or shrugged off for that matter. While, I am not in love with her, I do truly love her as a best friend.
And before you all start warning me and telling me to stay away from this I have been looking for this for so very long. There is no way I’m walking away from this.
I want to be a better person when I’m around her. I want to show her how much she is cared for. I feel like I’m an even better wife right now. And yes, he does know about this and has been fully supporting it. We even spoke of him finding a lover as well. I’m not afraid of that at all as I am not a jealous person at all. I relish the thought that those I love are happy and enjoying life.
I’m so motivated now to be healthier and be more honest with what I need and want. There is something extremely freeing in being true to yourself and having that honesty with those you love.
I know that this situation isn’t good for everybody especially when spouses are jealous or cannot handle that kind of open relationship.but I tell you what, it truly does help and exploring who you are.
I have to say that I am one of the few women that I know of that has a healthy sex life with their husband yet still identify as bi/lesbian. Or as my friend put it, half gay! Lol there was definitely something missing until I was with her. It was the same feeling I had in my first experience with a woman. It was if I was inhaling life with two full lungs instead of short shallow breaths…. I can’t go back from here. The sun is finally shining now.

No presents, just sex

My husband never plans for Christmas. He notoriously waits every year till the eleventh hour to shop. This year was no different except our bank emptied before he could make his run. Not that I made many purchases for him, I still had several small gifts that were thoughtful. As I came home with the last few dollars spent on our kids, he confessed to not having bought a thing, still not understanding how little we had in the bank. I give the obligatory “it’s ok” speech and tell him to wait till our payday came again.
Christmas was a fog for me that I could not enjoy. I felt lost as my kids opened every present appreciatively as I nodded. He looked on having no clue what each gift was as he had not wrapped nor bought a single thing. I knew that I wasn’t getting anything yet my heart squeezed out a small wish, hoping that he had at least one hidden stocking stuffer or something…
It didn’t happen. I didn’t comprehend a Christmas without gifts. I was never a person who needed big ticket items for it to count. Homemade soaps and coffee top my list of must- haves, not iPads and expensive jewelry.
I felt betrayed. I know I gave him an out and he took it, but he had ALL YEAR. ALL YEAR!!?!

My sister is grieving the loss of an ex-husband that passed away 2 years ago from suicide. He was a passive aggressive man who was moderately verbally abusive to her. She was constantly cheating on him. They divorced and then a year later he took his life.
Her loss weighs so heavy on her even though they were terrible to and for each other. It makes me wonder, would it have been better if they stayed together in misery? How do you ever know if it is the end and how do you keep from claiming all the fault if you are the only one who is unhappy while the other is complacent?

I try to love his efforts, whatever they are but in my heart I feel like I will never be happy in a place where I am an afterthought in so many ways. I find myself cheating my children of attention because he is lazy in his. He is such a great friend in so many wAys yet has no clue how to be a partner.

Christmas lights

I was driving home tonight in a rather ok mood. I had just gotten done with a class. I was in mid thought about color-mixing and silly things because my mind tends to wander. I saw a beautifully decorated home that was lit up as if it were ready for a Lifetime Christmas special. I don’t know what initially upset me but it stung my heart. It was a picture of perfection from the outside but who knew how the inside looked. I just knew that my home would not have that sparkle unless I crawled all over it alone, stringing lights and begging for help at random moments. My husband would scratch his head and grumble about timing and not being aware that we were going to “do this now.”
I pictured myself buying and wrapping presents by myself. I saw his face screw into a grinch-like grimace as he exclaimed his dislike of the season and the excess. My heart would dim a bit more, my love for Christmas was slowly evaporating each year as he would jab at the cost of it all and the things we would “have to” attend.
I used to try to include him and still attempt to but my heart is no longer in it. The joy has been thoroughly sucked out of most of what I used to cherish. I always thought that in holidays like this, there would be this partnership where you both would be a part of decorating the tree and putting up lights. I thought it would be such fun to be a parent and go shopping together for our kids, not a chore.
I cried at that house because I knew that the only light that shines at mine was dimming with each passing year. I looked at that picture- perfect home and saw two people celebrating a season together and showing the world their joy through sparkling wreaths and Icicle lights. I yearn for that kind of joy. I want a home where the dog gets a new bone and bed for Christmas like its a part of the family, not thrown outside because it’s gotten into the garbage again. (Hey, when we feed them on a regular schedule we don’t seem to have that problem but what do I know.) I know no relationship is gonna be perfect, no person will ever be perfect but there is something that I miss terribly every holiday I encounter. I miss having a partner who will work with me as much as they want to play with me. I want someone who will surprise me with a beautifully lit home. I want to have a merry Christmas without the bah- humbug! I want my children to play loud and enjoy a life that sparkeled on the outside as much as it does on the inside…


The Pleaser Speaks Up

I think I’m on these waves of depression and anxiety. Some days I’m up and doing just fine and then (mostly) right before that time of the month I get very low and emotional. Not that that is an excuse for all of the things that grip my heart, as I am still very real and affected by all the things that go on around me. I’m so frustrated and getting more so every day. I walk a fine line when it comes to berating the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a fine line there. I want to say so many things but find it hard to spray them here because all you will see is the bad and the ugly. You don’t see the guy who tells me I’m beautiful every day or that he loves me.

Now I’m starting to wonder if he just loves the parts of me that I can give to him and nothing else. What do I mean? He loves the mother in me, because that woman takes care of his kids and picks up all the slack that he does not do. He loves the bookkeeper in me that pays all our bills and plays chess with our money to make it happen. He loves the wife that cleans and cooks and gets the coffee ready almost every night.He loves the worker bee that earns her money and puts in his pot. He loves the party girl who gets tipsy and horny. He loves the workout queen who’s butt gets higher and libido swells.  He loves the sexpot that crawls in the bed and doesn’t put up a fuss when he initiates sex. He loves my parts and my heart when it gives to him. However, he doesn’t like the artist that spends all night painting (withholding sex.) He doesn’t like the friend part of me that takes time to listen and comfort my friends when they need it. He doesn’t like the animal rescuer/lover part of me that keeps and spends money on homeless animals that may infringe on part of his space in some way, or that I will stick up for a pet if they have an accident. He ignores the Bookkeeper in me that says we cant afford something or that I need help. He’s not so happy with the workout queen who is exhausted or doesn’t have time for sex, but needs to go run instead or the party girl who wants to go out with the girls instead.  He doesn’t like the worker bee as I work during times where he might have to take care of the kids or cook his own dinner. He doesn’t like the volunteer in me that keeps me away from him and might be too tired to have sex. He only likes the rebel in me if it’s going on an adventure safe enough for him.He only likes the lesbian in me if I let him be a part of it. In essence, taking who I am and making it about his pleasure.

I feel like I am once again objectified and pieced apart and not loved as a whole. I feel like each time he paws at me I give more of myself away than I want to, just to keep the peace. I feel like if I don’t feed him the parts of me that he likes, my world would be so volatile that I could not enjoy the other parts at all. (He’s not abusive, but very passive aggressive.) I guess it’s good that I can at least voice these things now. Two years ago I would never have written something like this. I painted my life as perfect except that I liked women. It was perfect only because I was still in character as the wife who put all her own shit aside to please her man. Even my coming out to him was a device for pleasure and not an awakening. I knew I was sad but I buried it so deep that it’s still digging. I want to be happy but I don’t want to force myself into a fake smile and a Facebook friendly version of myself that’s digestible for everyone. I want to be hard to swallow sometimes. I want to be dirty and scream with passion. (That can be taken a few ways.) I want a partner who gives a shit about the things I love. Who will stay awake and make me coffee while I paint or retire to bed without tucking themselves into a sleep full of resentment. I want someone who doesn’t fume at our children for small infractions because they were taught no other way. I want love to pour from their heart for not just me but for humanity. I want the world to matter, not just the microcosm we happen to inhabit. I want kisses with sex, kisses filled with so much passion that they themselves could explode. I need more, so much more and I’m wondering why I do not ask for it all.

Why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Why do I keep myself from the things that I love? Because it displeases him? Because I’m too busy trying to please everyone that I forget about the one person I have to live with, myself. We all forget to listen to that inner voice. We all forget to stick up for ourselves. My mom basically told me when we were still dating that I wouldn’t get anyone better than this so I better hang on to him. She said that we were “lucky” to find men who would love curvy women like us. UGH!!!!  I wasn’t even very curvy then. I was a size 8! I knew then that I was going to marry him. It was in the cards, but I knew that there was more to me than being a wife. I did everything I said I didn’t want to do because I was so afraid to go against what was expected of me. I look back and wonder where that fierce feminist went. I was fiesty yet I never looked up from the playbook to see what it was that I wanted. I was brought up thinking that we could have friends who were gay, family members even, but that it wasn’t really acceptable. My mom wanted to be at my wedding and hold a grand-baby. I found a handsome man who was willing to help me make her happy. How could I say no? With every fiber of my being I was screaming “No” from the inside,albeit, it was buried and muffled. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. But during my whole wedding I kept thinking about the “one thing” that I hadn’t given myself the permission to explore with the dignity it deserved and now I am lost in it’s reflection.

For now I am contemplative. Wondering where I go from here. How can I unstick myself from this apathy and what will happen when I do?

Marriage, is this where I get off?

What was I thinking when I married this man? Was I that desperate for love that I decided to ignore all our differences just so I could paint a perfect life. An image that never stood up to the reality. We are so opposite in so many ways I wonder how it is that we are even amicable at best. We get along rather well for two people who have polar views on almost everything. I sat in disgust as he watched a hunting show. At first it wasn’t too bad, as they were planning on eating the animal but then they proceed to “accidentally” run over a mother sow and then dispatch her with a knife. I could no longer watch. We talk about politics like we are at the pulpit on opposing debate teams. He sits to center right and I center left, rarely meeting in the middle.

I have had a few husbands stop by here and make comments, usually loving and supportive about their wives who have come out to them. I have also come out to my husband and have tiptoed into exploring who I am at a snails pace.  I find thier remarks so comforting and loving. I wish for any woman who is going through this, have a man like that by her side. I know from experience that it makes it harder to figure stuff out but at least you have a best friend to help you hash it out. My husband has been an amazing listener and friend when I’ve really needed him to be. My family is a bit much and he’s very much an anchor for me.

But I have a confession to make, my husband is addicted to sex. (If you’ve read my blog, you probably already figured that out.) I have seen it over the years wax and wane with his proclivity for porn. I no longer buy it for him, so my guess is that he gets online and surfs the assortment of free goodies from time to time. I only confess this as it deeply affects me when he is bingeing on these images. He tries not to do this often but when he does, he will act like each sex act has done nothing more than fan the flames of his desire. Fortunately, one time is enough to satiate him for an evening, but he comes at me each evening acting as if I was withholding his drug and that he hadn’t had it in forever. He doesn’t get mean, he just pouts and turns over after much unsuccessful prodding.

I had never resented having sex with him until he made me feel like it was my duty. Now, I understand the whole “We are married, and you’re my only source for sex, so please hook me up once in a while.” But there has to be some give on each side. I gave in to the fact that I wanted to be with a woman when I married him, but thats on me, not on him. I gave him lots of fun for many years before we had kids and then many after we had them. My libido has wand moderately but my passion has all but fizzled out. His, on the other hand,his is on fire and burning me out. He stays up way too late every night in hopes to get a piece and when I fail to deliver he grumbles into his pillow and falls asleep only to wake up tired and full of resentment. He carries that with him all day and then when he gets home his attitude dips again with the din of children and a frazzled wife attempting to throw together a dinner as he attempts to cop a feel. Dismissed, he waits till she finally retires to bed where he tries yet again. His efforts go into getting her unclothed and not much more. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great lover, but the thing that makes lovemaking beautiful is lost in the his fever to get his fix. He thinks that I too need a fix and not much else.

I have explained to him how objectified I have felt in the past and he has tried to be less grabby and more respectful but the 22 year old that laid the foundation for our sex life (me) unknowingly built it on sex and the objectification of women. I was young and thought my body was something I gave, not shared. I did not understand the implications of giving away so much that it spoiled the man I loved. I did not understand that I ignored so deeply a part of myself that never wanted to be given away or even shared with a man. I hold all of this on my shoulders and do not blame him for a foundation we built together. He didn’t know about his addiction to sex, as most of us call that being a 20 something. My guess is that he traded in his addiction for alcohol for it. He was smack dab in the middle of going down that rabbit hole when we got together. I didn’t mind being his drug either.

Now, years later, I am older, sometimes wiser, and know what I want more than ever. Being someone’s drug is not it. I don’t want to be the only thing in anyones life. That’s not fair to me and currently that is what’s happening. I am his only thing. That is what is so maddening and scary and sad. I want more for him than that. I want more for myself too. I have given up so much of who I am and when I let that part of myself out, it flourishes. It also scares the shit out of my husband. His drug may not be there for him, even though his wife ALWAYS is. My physical body is gone on a trip or at an event ad when I’m done it may be too tired to give him a dose. That is why I rarely paint. That is why I feel torn when I do my own thing. I am very loyal and yet I yearn for women and have staved that part of myself with precision.  I don’t know how much longer till that line is blurred and my words and worries will fall like autumn leaves to be devoured by a cold chill of change. I hope that he would forgive me. I know that eventually spring will come and we warm to each other as changed people. But first I have to write my heart down and hope that he doesn’t tear my thoughts up. I have to. Where can I find this strength? I have been so depressed that I am sapped of it. I shy from my blog as it screams my words back to me that I don’t want to hear.

I don’t know anymore. I am lost.