So I have sat, perplexed at who exactly am I? I used to be this “straight” woman who just flirted with the idea of liking girls but never fully acknowledging how deep that vein ran through me. As I got older and started to hear the white noise in my brain build to such a din I could no longer ignore it. I LIKE GIRLS. Where it goes from there, I’m not sure. So I did some research, soul-searching and cheesy online tests to further my own exploration of sexuality in general. What I found is this, there is no exact answer.
The first thing I fell upon while still young and unmarried was the Kinsey scale. A Grey scale of sorts. It gave the distinction of labeling human sexuality as not just black and white. I love the basic idea behind this and it had significant scientific research behind it, but it fell short for those that didn’t sit nicely in one spot on that scale.
Along comes the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG) developed by Dr. Fritz Klein which covers new ground by taking into consideration, the past, present and future sexual tendencies.
|Past (entire life up until a year ago)||Present (last 12 months)||Ideal (what would you like?)|
|A). Sexual Attraction: To whom are you sexually attracted?|
|B). Sexual Behaviour: With whom have you actually had sex?|
|C). Sexual Fantasies: About whom are your sexual fantasies?|
|D). Emotional preference: Who do you feel more drawn to or close to emotionally?|
|E). Social preference: Which gender do you socialize with?|
|F). Lifestyle preference: In which community do you like to spend your time? In which do you feel most comfortable?|
|G). Self-identification: How do you label or identify yourself?|
Each of the 21 boxes should contain a value from 1 to 7, categorizing the individual’s answers to the questions. For variables A to E the possible answers are: 1 = Other sex only, 2 = Other sex mostly, 3 = Other sex somewhat more, 4 = Both sexes, 5 = Same sex somewhat more, 6 = Same sex mostly, and 7 = Same sex only. For variables F and G these range from 1 = Heterosexual Only to 7 = Homosexual Only.
Unlike the Kinsey Scale, the Klein grid investigates sexual orientation in three time periods and with respect to seven factors.
While this grid is pretty good, it really is very static in its essence. I filled it out and then asked myself, “okay, now what do you do with it? I think what happens next is entirely up to you. I feel like as opposed to a gray-scale, I live on a scale that’s more like a color wheel that has a variety of colors and multi hued moments. I have had some amazing times in bed with my husband, yet as the tide ebbs, I find my thoughts linger on women much longer and my fantasies grow.
Lisa Diamond, PhD at the University of Utah has come to coin a term “sexual fluidity” which in essence is for some women, love and desire are not rigidly heterosexual or homosexual but fluid, changing as women move through the stages of life, various social groups, and, most important, different love relationships. While this may be proven, it is radical in a very homophobic, gender identified society, so it is a harder pill to swallow, cause mom might one day wanna hook up with the beautiful waitress just as much as dad.
So to sum it up, I am rediscovering my lesbian tendencies and shucking the restraints of hetero sex. The one experience I had (in my early 20’s), I cling to, as it opened my eyes to what I clearly desire. My own self-homophobia kept me from pursuing it, thinking I could accept being straight, cause I played a straight girl pretty well. Presently, that is not the case. Define it however you like, I’m a 4, all over the grid, purple or fluid…I LIKE GIRLS now…
I feel as if I am not yet whole. There is a part of me that has been smashed into a back closet somewhere. The creative kid who had no rules to define her…just a great big smile and a naive look at the world. I’m letting her out, slowly but surely, as I can come to terms with the dynamics I have wrapped myself in (aka; life.) I do love her and accept who I am fully now, but it will take time to readjust my life to accommodate my true self.
What I have learned so far is that we are individuals with complex thoughts, sexual tendencies, so very beautiful in our own unique way. We are all colors of the rainbow, ever-changing as the sun shifts in the sky, so we should embrace our ever evolving existence and love ourselves fully. It takes many colors to create such beautiful things.