Find out who you are and then do it on purpose.–Dolly Parton
Ok, so for the first time in my adult life, I will go see a therapist. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or a bit more uneasy…It seems to really solidify the fact that I am questioning both my marriage and my sexuality. Where does one go from there? It’s so scary but I’m also somewhat elated. Here’s a person who will listen without bias or judgement and will give me help in moving forward with it all.
I used to think therapy was for people who were emotional train-wrecks, until I became a slow moving one. I can see it all unfold before my eyes but have no words to warn myself of the impending disaster. I know this is gonna be a mess. I’m afraid of what a mess I may make in the process of finding who I really am, but I HAVE TO DO IT. I don’t want to live like this. I feel like I’ve settled on “ok” for long enough.
How does it become ok to bury half of who you are and still feel loved, because those that don’t know that part of you, cannot love that part of you either? So somehow we have to figure out a way to safely dig ourselves out and stand up to get/give the love we deserve. I know that I would want that for my friends, so what would I keep it from myself? My husband has been pretty supportive of my sexuality, but I have kept my true desires under wraps for the most part in fear of hurting him. He sees my bi tendencies as an opportunity for a spicier sex life perhaps, while I see it as a door to a completely different world. This is where I need help discerning what I want from what I truly need to be happy to is it just to make him happy. I have a hard time telling myself its ok, when things are going good between us. It’s ok to like sex and still be questioning your sexuality, it’s ok to love him and want to run, it’s ok to not know what to do…Baby steps girl…baby steps… Just don’t settle there forever, listen to what your heart needs and take steps forward to claim the real you. The point is to be true to who you are as much as you can be at this very moment in time and then tomorrow, do it again until one day it’s is a clear path that is easy to walk down and your skin is now your own.
So wish me luck as I go in tomorrow. I’m hoping to just go in and at least get my story out to her. Perhaps just having a new unbiased venue will keep my sanity in check. I don’t need nor will I have all the answers tomorrow,but it will start the process of clearing a path to my true self. It will also help me to share who I am with my husband on a deeper level. Maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on. I am nervous but I feel like a new chapter of my life is beginning and I am scared and excited to see what’s in store.
I hope you find a place where you can find your true self and walk with peace in your heart. I know that you can be true to who you are because it is entirely within you already. May you have a wonderful day and take a small step towards a brighter tomorrow.
Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.–Howard Thurman