I look at him with a blank stare. It never used to be like this. I used to swoon over him and make his coffees in the morning like a good little wifey. He still makes me laugh and we still have our private jokes, but now it’s different. Like a switch has been turned off inside me. I know there were things that he’s done that were pivotal in our undoing, but my heart could have probably recovered. (No he did not cheat and he’s never laid a finger on me.) There are also things that I have done that that really make it all so very hard to re-ignite this life of ours.
I have this yearning to be free. To discover who I am and not have to explain myself to anyone. I want to paint whatever I want and go where I want. I feel as if I am living with a parent instead of a partner, except this parent doesn’t share in the responsibilities. He gets to check out when he wants because he works so much harder than I do, an excuse I have heard time and again. I get it. He’s tired. Then go to sleep earlier. Don’t wait up for me. I can’t stand set bed times or set expectations once we get in there. Nothing says romance like a dick on your shoulder.
I know I am not perfect and I definitely don’t expect him to be. So this is where I wonder, “Do you try to save this marriage because you still love him and perhaps you can be In Love again?” or “How can you save it when your body and mind have both checked out of this relationship?” From the outside looking in I have a perfectly good life in bed and out, but it’s like looking at a cupcake that’s devoid of most of it’s sugar. From the outside it looks perfectly fine, but as soon as you take a bite of it, YOU JUST KNOW something’s missing. That’s what I need to find, and I know it’s buried within me, but as I search it may crumble our lives. My sexuality is just another piece to this already very complicated puzzle, or is it the missing piece, left unfulfilled? The sugar? Would I be satisfied with a girlfriend on the side? Would I be ok if I just satiated my lust for women? Or would that fan the flames for a lusting of something more substantial? I’m not sure.
That scares the shit out of me.