I feel like I am watching myself from afar sometimes. Like I am a loss for words, or emotions. Somewhere along the way I lost my passion and fire. I used to dream about the future, now I barely look towards the weekends. I am not in a “bad place” emotionally, but it’s “meh” at best. I feel so very vanilla when at one time I was the whole freaking bag of skittles.
I have just realized that I had no dreams, per se. Nothing in the works, just plodding along with no goal, big or small, in sight. That made me sad. I’m on a life treadmill that I didn’t even realized I’d been coaxed onto. It just happened. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for losing sight of the world, for losing my sparkle and worst of all, my creativity. I just melted into this khaki world of blah, molding into a predetermined space, getting my groceries, paying bills and just existing.
Before I go on, let me say that I am thankful for every bit of my life and the amazing people who are in it. Most of which are not at all khaki or vanilla, but like me, they trod along on these well worn paths wondering what the hell they are doing too. We lose sight of our individuality to fit easier into society and into the worlds around us, and with each squeeze and adjustment we make, we lose ourselves. I lost most of who I was when I got married. I knew it when I did it too. That little voice screamed, “No, he’s a good guy, but this is not right for you!” I didn’t listen, because I loved him and thought we could overcome our differences, and for the most part we are like a pair of shoes, not the same, but a pretty good fit. Good enough then, not so sure now.As I look back now, we were two different shoes entirely.
My heart aches that I am not happy with him. He tries his best to be a good dad, a good person and he tells me everyday that he loves me. I know he does. I love him too…but…I am not happy. I feel like a caged bird. I have not flown in a very long time. I feel like I have lost my breath and my footing and I have been waiting all my life to get it back. He is a homebody and an introvert, I love to travel, explore and meet people. He is from Texas and I’m from the North (New England) and while some say that’s not a deal breaker, the cultural differences between our families are quite extensive. Not to mention the whole, I-want-to-be-with-a-woman thing. He has given me permission to have a girlfriend, but I know that his intentions are that I will bring said girlfriend home to him… My intentions are to figure out how far out of the closet I need to go. I don’t like definitions, but I think I’m on the other side of bi, almost into lesbian land. I’d say I’m full blown lesbian, but I’m not appalled at having sex with men, and I can enjoy it, but I constantly fantasize about women. Maybe once I get my fix, I’ll be able to have it on the side and be fulfilled and he gets an occasional threesome. Who knows. This is all too much to digest.
So as my friend would tell me “Picture your perfect life. What would you be doing? Where would you be? Who would you be with/without?” “Ok, now take small steps to get there!”
My perfect life is…
living in a loft or cottage just outside a city like Providence or Seattle, with a big enough backyard to have a nice garden. It would be close to the girls school and I would work from home as an artist. I would live near my mom, so my girls would know their grandmother well. She misses them terribly, because we live so far. I wouldn’t have a tv with cable and I would become a vegetarian again. I would go running or kayaking all the time and I would be so incredibly inspired by my life and the people that I meet, that my artwork would flourish. I would cook slow and eat slower. I would dream big and act bigger. I’d help more and be an inspiration to others. I would not give in to relationships that did not lift me up or make me want to be a better person.I would do yoga more often. I would give my girls all the attention I could muster and show them how much the are loved by not only my words, but also my actions. I would have my own art studio that would have tons of windows looking out to nature. I’d throw lots of parties where people would come to have thought provoking conversations, share ideas and eat amazing food. I would go on amazing trips around the world with my my mom and sister, my best friends and my girls. I would not compromise who I am to please people. I would date whomever I wanted and not feel the need to explain myself to anybody. I would get a girlfriend who wants to be close, but not need me. I would never feel bad about taking care of myself.
Voila! It’s that easy! Okay, maybe not, but taking the baby steps does help. So I am taking baby steps. I am doing yoga when I can. I am building a labyrinth garden in my back yard, I am meeting a woman who may be my catalyst. Not sure just yet. I will look back at this list from time to time, to remind myself of what I want.
Take a moment to make your own list. What do you want? What is your perfect life? How are you going to get it?