Picture your perfect life


I feel like I am watching myself from afar sometimes. Like I am a loss for words, or emotions. Somewhere along the way I lost my passion and fire. I used to dream about the future, now I barely look towards the weekends.    I am not in a “bad place” emotionally, but it’s “meh” at best. I feel so very vanilla when at one time I was the whole freaking bag of skittles.

I have just realized that I had no dreams, per se. Nothing in the works, just plodding along with no goal, big or small, in sight. That made me sad. I’m on a life treadmill that I didn’t even realized I’d been coaxed onto. It just happened. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for losing sight of the world, for losing my sparkle and worst of all, my creativity. I just melted into this khaki world of blah, molding into a predetermined space, getting my groceries, paying bills and just existing.

Before I go on, let me say that I am thankful for every bit of my life and the amazing people who are in it. Most of which are not at all khaki or vanilla, but like me, they trod along on these well worn paths wondering what the hell they are doing too. We lose sight of our individuality to fit easier into society and into the worlds around us, and with each squeeze and adjustment we make, we lose ourselves. I lost most of who I was when I got married. I knew it when I did it too. That little voice screamed, “No, he’s a good guy, but this is not right for you!” I didn’t listen, because I loved him and thought we could overcome our differences, and for the most part we are like a pair of shoes, not the same, but a pretty good fit. Good enough then, not so sure now.As I look back now, we were two different shoes entirely.

My heart aches that I am not happy with him. He tries his best to be a good dad, a good person and he tells me everyday that he loves me. I know he does. I love him too…but…I am not happy. I feel like a caged bird. I have not flown in a very long time. I feel like I have lost my breath and my footing and I have been waiting all my life to get it back. He is a homebody and an introvert, I love to travel, explore and meet people. He is from Texas and I’m from the North (New England) and while some say that’s not a deal breaker, the cultural differences between our families are quite extensive. Not to mention the whole, I-want-to-be-with-a-woman thing. He has given me permission to have a girlfriend, but I know that his intentions are that I will bring said girlfriend home to him… My intentions are to figure out how far out of the closet I need to go. I don’t like definitions, but I think I’m on the other side of bi, almost into lesbian land. I’d say I’m full blown lesbian, but I’m not appalled at having sex with men, and I can enjoy it, but I constantly fantasize about women. Maybe once I get my fix, I’ll be able to have it on the side and be fulfilled and he gets an occasional threesome. Who knows. This is all too much to digest.

So as my friend would tell me “Picture your perfect life. What would you be doing? Where would you be? Who would you be with/without?” “Ok, now take small steps to get there!”

My perfect life is

living in a loft or cottage just outside a city like Providence or Seattle, with a big enough backyard to have a nice garden. It would be close to the girls school and I would work from home as an artist. I would live near my mom, so my girls would know their grandmother well. She misses them terribly, because we live so far. I wouldn’t have a tv with cable and I would become a vegetarian again. I would go running or kayaking all the time and I would be so incredibly inspired by my life and the people that I meet, that my artwork would flourish. I would cook slow and eat slower. I would dream big and act bigger. I’d help more and be an inspiration to others. I would not give in to relationships that did not lift me up or make me want to be a better person.I would do yoga more often.  I would give my girls all the attention I could muster and show them how much the are loved by not only my words, but also my actions. I would have my own art studio that would have tons of windows looking out to nature. I’d throw lots of parties where people would come to have thought provoking conversations,  share ideas and eat amazing food. I would go on amazing trips around the world with my my mom and sister, my best friends and my girls. I would not compromise who I am to please people. I would date whomever I wanted and not feel the need to explain myself to anybody. I would get a girlfriend who wants to be close, but not need me.  I would never feel bad about taking care of myself.

Voila! It’s that easy! Okay, maybe not, but taking the baby steps does help. So I am taking baby steps. I am doing yoga when I can. I am building a labyrinth garden in my back yard, I am meeting a woman who may be my catalyst. Not sure just yet. I will look back at this list from time to time, to remind myself of what I want.

Take a moment to make your own list. What do you want? What is your perfect life? How are you going to get it?

5 Comments

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  1. You have inspired me so many times. This post though scared me quite a bit. I had a bit of a breakdown with my husband just last night about similar feelings that you describe in the first half. I’m also in your position because my husband has given me permission to date girls. I’m scared but a bit excited but mostly this all seems to give me anxiety attacks. How do you handle things as you are deciding what to do?

    • First off, Thank you. Secondly, I’m sort of sorry this post touched so close to home, but not really. We all need that wake up call, to remind us of what we want. We bury ourselves so deep into our lives that we lose sight of what we need to be complete.
      To answer your question, I handle things by talking it out with friends and I’ve gotten a therapist as well. I write this blog in hopes of reaching out to women who are like us. Personally, I look at each problem and sort them separately. For instance, I told my husband that I was bi, like you did. We have both taken a baby step. Stop. Breathe. Ok next step. Figure out what you want short term, next week perhaps. Then next month. With each step I take, I try to be as honest as I can with my husband. I have to admit, I cannot be totally honest yet. I haven’t crossed that threshold, but I do forgive myself. I don’t hate myself for not being perfect or what is expected. The truth is, I prefer my imperfect self much better.

      I look forward to discovering what it is that draws me to women. I am discovering the truth about my entire existence, and how I have always kept myself from completely enjoying life. I have finally realized what my true form is and I am slowly taking on it’s shape. I’m no longer squeezing into what I thought I should be. I am coming to terms with my own internal homophobia. Cause anyone could be a lesbian except me…. I just keep searching for truth and letting it shine as it comes to light. I am not asking my husband for permission to have fun and I am not going to “look” for anyone, because I am too busy trying to find myself.
      I hope this helps. I hope that you can find your light as well. You deserve it. Forgive yourself too. Your “imperfection” is your mark of uniqueness, keep it close to your heart and listen to it.

      • I think your reply has struck me more than the original post did. Or maybe it felt like that because of feeling like you were talking about me, I knew you were talking to me. I’ve taken all of your comments to heart and I think I’m making some progress. I still have a long way to go though as I’m sure you do too. But at least I know I’m not the only one going through this. It’s a bit comforting and glad to know that but it also makes me sad because I know the struggle. I don’t know your husband at all other than what you have said in your blogs but I think I can safely say that we have some really good men that will stick by our sides and support our decisions, no matter what we choose. I wish you luck in your next steps and look forward to more blogs from you.

  2. Thank you Ryn, that means alot to me. Yes, he is a great guy, who is just trying his best. I just hope not to hurt him in the process of my self discovery. It’s alot to ask for but if we are careful, it will not hurt as bad, hopefully. You should definitely check out some of the links I put on my blog, especially Askjoanne.net. It’s especially helpful in finding a good sounding board for your angst, concerns, ideas or just to share in general with likeminded women are going through the same ordeal as us.
    -Amanda

  3. this is an amazing post. I genuinely hope that you feel as though you can spread your wings again soon and fly out into freedom. It sounds like you’re already working on it so good for you 🙂

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