I sometimes wonder how many people suffer in silence. Who sit in their closet, worried about getting “outed” by someone. For a long time I was in complete denial about how much I liked women. I would shy away from anything that might expose my lust and when I got into my twenties I finally started to explore my sexuality to no avail. I even got so far as to have a threesome, but was so worried about anyone finding out, I quickly swept that so far into my closet that I hardly remember it. I wanted so badly to reach out and find someone who could lead me to the water, so to speak. Instead I was left high and dry. I wanted to experience women in some sort of safe bubble where I wouldn’t be found out until I was ready. Since no bubble existed I was SOL.
It was far easier to explore my sexuality as a heterosexual, so I did. I’ve enjoyed it. It’s been good, but to me it’s kind of like being in a half-lit room your whole life. Once you have been out in a bright sun shiny day the room seems even darker and more claustrophobic than before. I knew what it was like to be with a woman, but I would not allow myself to pine over it. I chalked it up to being bi and convinced myself that since the hetero path was easier and more socially acceptable, that is where I should go. I’m quite sure that I made that choice more out of self homophobia than anything else. I could accept gay friends. I was an advocate for gay rights but I couldn’t come out as a wishy washy bi-curious person… What would that say about me? That I’m a whore? That I would just assume do anybody cause I swing that way? That I’m unwilling or unable to commit to a certain gender, let alone a single person? No, certainly not me.
I am very committed and loving. I am an upstanding person who obeys the rules. I wasn’t a cheater or a promiscuous trollop. I was a good girl who didn’t smoke, didn’t have tattoos or piercings. I couldn’t possibly sully my reputation with rumors of my lust for women. That would be too much. Especially I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to risk it. The rumors would spread like wildfire in the small town I grew up in. So I held it all in. I stifled myself. And just like a clogged drain, as I work this shit out, it’s all gonna kinda come undone at once.
With that, I’m scared as hell, but at the same time, I know that the pressure will be gone. I will get to be who I truly am. I look forward to the day when I can look in the mirror and truly recognize the woman staring back at me. I miss her. Hopefully I will recognize her and accept her fully. It will be a long road to that acceptance, but here I am going down it. Watch me go!