I drink to have sex


I confess, I drink to have sex. There, I said it.  I used to really enjoy sex. I wanted it all the time. Not in an addictive way, I think, but more of a search for connection with old boyfriends. It’s something I am good at and could easily use to connect with a man. In some cases it was the only connection I could make. So boyfriend after boyfriend and finally into marriage I would summarily find myself buzzed prior to coitus. I never thought much of it until these last few months. My husband even made a remark about how I always seemed to “have to drink” before we had sex. My eyebrows peaked and my heart went into my throat. “you know, he’s right,” I thought. I rarely drink to get drunk and on an even rarer occasion I might imbibe so much as to kneel before my porcelain God, but we are talking maybe once every other month DRUNK, if that. But I do drink to have sex.

Drinking to have sex  is different. It’s like putting a fuzzy lense on a picture you really don’t want to look too hard at. You might see the reality of it. You might admit that it’s not working. I didn’t drink to wash away my problems, I was drinking to accept them with a kiss. I want so hard to love this man who loves me so much it hurts. I want to give him all of me, so I could give myself in the name of our relationship. He does everything he can to please me and yet I feel numb and distant because I know that I’m not into him like I should be. He looks at me like a goddess. I look at him like a pet. I adore him but feel as if I have to take care of him or he’d never survive. He looks at me like I am the bearer of all fruits. I’m tired of being his personal “giving tree.” I adore his affection, it’s contagious, but it hurts more because I cannot stand to scar him with my truth.

So I drink a few rum and cokes before a night of debauchery. Then I can enjoy myself. I’ll fantasize about women. He’ll work his magic and then everything is ok. The next day I’m reading lesbian love stories and writing in my secret blog. I’m living a lesbian hangover. I am my own Coyote Ugly. I wake up to look at my own face and say WTF? I see a closeted woman asking me why I’m still there. Why am I not being true to who I really am? Am I punishing myself for feeling this way? Maybe if I gave him a threesome it would somehow make up for the fact that I want her breasts against my body and not him between my thighs? Who knows. I just know that I have to own up to what I want. Why is that so damn hard?

Do you have a confession? Do you drink to  have sex? Do you wait till he or she goes to bed before sliding under the covers? Tell me, how did you or do you currently attempt to “deal” with your lack of lust?

-A

 

I am a drinker with writing problems. ~Brendan Behan

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  1. Unfortunately I understand too well. Maybe for different reasons… maybe not. I’m not in a relationship now but in two previous long term relationships I found myself doing exactly that – drinking to have sex. The first guy noticed it and was the one who actually pointed it out to me. Before that I didn’t think twice about what I was doing. He even encouraged it, buying me alcohol and basically pouring it down my throat for me on an almost daily basis just to get his own needs met. The second guy picked up on the pattern and raised it with me. I didn’t get drunk as often by this stage but when I was drunk, it would be the time I would perform my ‘duty’ AND rarely outside these drunk times. For me, it was horrible to realise that this is what I was doing, but I felt like had to anyway for the sake of the relationship. So in a way, it makes me a bit sad to read that this is how you feel as though you need to get into it. None of this makes you a bad person, and like I’ve said before, I just hope you can find a way to be living the life that you want soon 🙂 I can imagine that it would feel so freeing finally.

  2. It’s crazy what I found my realationship with my boyfriend has gone to shit….we just had a baby. He’s never treated me like a “special” person in my life, at 9 months pregnant he’d get mad at me for wanting to sleep, go down stairs after work and have a drink and have me move boxes downstairs (still at 9 months pregnant) after I gave birth basically get mad that I had to be in bed (after giving birth naturally) on top of these few things he just let himself go. I absolutely must have a drink in order for the thought of having sex with to cross my mind…. When he’s gone I have fantasies

  3. It’s crazy what I found my realationship with my boyfriend has gone to shit….we just had a baby. He’s never treated me like a “special” person in my life, at 9 months pregnant he’d get mad at me for wanting to sleep, go down stairs after work and have a drink and have me move boxes downstairs (still at 9 months pregnant) after I gave birth basically get mad that I had to be in bed (after giving birth bsolutely must have a drink in order for the thought of having sex with to cross my mind…. When he’s gone I have fantasies about women even tho I would never think about being a lesbian…mine and your situation is completly different but we use alcohol in the same way. I’m not an alcoholic and I did enjoy sex regulary…sober sex. I’m not attracted to the man I use to love like I was in the beginning.

    • It sounds like your boyfriend is using you just like I let my husband use me. We put up with it because we don’t want to rock the boat. Problem is, we will be the unhappy ones as long as we are at the bidding of other people. They will never stop because it’s what they want so why mess up a good thing?
      I remember being pressured to have sex not long after my first child. It was painful and made me cry. I refused to do it for another 4 months, listening to my body this time. It felt good to stand up for myself and I finally found my voice. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, you’re the only one will. Drinking to have sex is a temporary solution to a long term problem we both need to address. My heart is with you girl. Show that baby what it’s momma’s made out of!

  4. Yep. I used to do this all the time when I was married to a man. The funny thing is now when I know I’m going to be with my girlfriend, I avoid drinking so I don’t dull my senses. I want to be there in every sense of the word and feel and remember every bit of it.

  5. Story of my life.
    Sort of. I only ever had girlfriends, live women! But met a nice fella during a period I call me, ‘Yes Phase,’ and agreed on a date with him because I was trying new things. Well, we are two peas, love all the same lame things, and he is the NICEST most sincere person I’ve ever met and worships the ground I walk on. But still everyday I catch myself talking about girls (which he thinks is cool). The problem is he doesn’t realize it’s because I miss their softness so. I think about it all day. He wants to get married, but all I can picture is a wife and it kills me because he really is the perfect specimen.. I’m just not hardwired for it. I never drank at all until I met him, not too long in it was the only way I could get into sex with him and then I was just thinking about girls the whole time. So right now I’m in a personal hell trying to figure out how to get out of it but not lose my best friend. He really would be the best dad and everyone in my family loves him and I love him. I just can’t ignore who I am though. I’ve become a recluse over it nd when I encounter girls I act like a damn fool. No more swag. I used to be able to date any girl I wanted and now I can’t form a sentence. It’s like I’m subconsciously worried if we hit it off in convo, then I have to address the boy issue and I’m terrified to.

    • I hope you find your footing. I’m sure you still have swag you just have to reclaim it. Just don’t enlist in a life you don’t really want. It’s a whole lot harder to back out after a few years behind you and you have kids. May the force be with you.

  6. I’ve been married not quite 3 years and can count on 3 hands the number of times I’ve had sex with my spouse. I haven’t been with a woman in 6 years and lately I’ve been feeling like I can’t ignore this anymore.

    I actually found your blog by searching on needing to drink alcohol in order to have sex. It’s seriously been something that’s crossed my mind recently. Overall my husband is a great guy. I’m just not into him the way he deserves…

    • It’s a recurring theme here Nikki. I would suggest getting a good therapist to work out your feelings. Make sure they are LGBT friendly. I think talking to your husband would help tremendously if you can. It took me forever to even get over the shameful feelings I had about it. Big hugs to you girl, I know exactly what you are going through. Email me if you need to.

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