10 reasons to avoid telling my husband I’m gay


10.  I like fantasizing he’s a woman in bed, it keeps my creativity working at full throttle.

It doesn’t help that he’s good looking and lacks man boobs, yet still I fantasize.

9. I haven’t bought my combat boots and pride flag yet.

Okay, maybe I already have them but they are stuffed in my closet somewhere….

8. Who would wash his underpants?

7.  I haven’t done enough research on what a lesbian is…

there’s still hope I could just be facing a mid-life crisis…
(Ha ha ha, If this is a mid life crisis, I’ve been aware of it since age 10 or therabouts.)

6. He’ll be begging for a “breakup” threesome.

Can you blame him? I would too if I were him, might as well go out in a bang!

5. He’ll try to steal my girlfriend

Actually, he’s pretty mellow, he’ll probably just keep hinting that I should share her. (See number 6.)

4. I haven’t decided what color lipstick I need to be a lipstick lesbian.

At any rate I’ll go with Cover girl… Go Ellen!

3. I’d have to tell people that I like girls and you know what that means…

Mullets and cats…and a future episode on hoarders…in that order

2. I don’t think I should have to explain why chicks are hotter than dudes

He’s not with a dude…need I say more?

1. To shave or not to shave…

We all know it’s true. If I want to be a lesbian I must start listening to Jonie Mitchell, grow out my armpit hair like a European on vacation and drink a ton of foreign beer. I’m just contemplating if I can give up the razor and truly enjoy a follicle enriched life.

Joking aside, I am freaking out about what to say to my husband. I write these because I’m trying to laugh instead of cry. I picture my pretty little life just getting washed down the drain and scarring everyone in the process. I just hope that he loves me enough to let me go. It hurts even saying that. I really do love him, but I feel like the woman I am is no longer the woman he married. He deserves more. I deserve more from myself.

Help!

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  1. Well, I can only tell you how it went for me. I cried – sobbed my heart out – for hours and my (now ex-)husband held me, murmured words of kindness to me, and was generally amazing. I think he was in shock – I think that more than a year later he may still be in shock. I vacillated between being so grateful that he left me (so that I didn’t have to leave him) and being devastated by it for a long time. Ultimately, telling him and us separating was the right thing for me and for him and for us. I suspect you’ll find the same thing to be true for you.

    But about hair. I shave far more now that I’m out than I ever did when I was attempting to be straight – I just didn’t care about how I looked and now I do! So shave on, my friend, shave on. You may be surprised how many lesbians expect it of you.

  2. I think mine will be cool too, I just hate the thought of potentially breaking his heart. He constantly tells me he loves me. He doesn’t deserve such cruelty.
    As for the shaving, I think I’m with you on that one.

    • Yeah. I was pretty devastated to tell the Baby Daddy, partly because I knew I would be breaking his heart, that things between he and I could never be the same again. But you know, things are pretty good between us. There was a rough patch, figuring out the financial details of the divorce, for sure. But now? Frankly, it’s better than ever. He and I have the kind of relationship that I’ve always wanted and valued with him – he’s my best friend, a person I call on for all kinds of support, a wonderful co-parent, etc., etc., etc. Just not my lover.

      • Did you women ever truly love your husbands.. I doubt it. You were catering to society.

        Did you fake it? Did you like sex from behind so you wouldn’t see his face. Did you ever give his penis attention or like me did you hate it and only touch it reluctantly?

      • I love my husband. Sometimes I really like sex, other times it’s a chore. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t love him. For me I assumed I was bi but could just live without ever really acknowledging that part of myself.
        I didn’t really ever get thrilled over oral sex but I wanted to see him happy and that made me happy. I did truly love him and still do but my world has grown and I’m a much more complex person than I was 15 years ago. I don’t want to be on a pedestal or be the sole resource of someone else’s joy, gay or straight. I did hide my bisexuality to my family and carried it as a curse. Now I wonder how far I am from center. How ignorant I was to who I really am.

  3. I’m sorry I can’t make it better for you. You’re right–it’s going to suck major balls to have to tell him. But you do have to tell him. It will be different than you imagine it will be–I can’t say better or worse or neither, but definitely different. The speech you had planned will dissolve on your tongue when he looks in your eyes. What you do say will probably be stuttery and awkward and weird, but it will be the truth, and the truth will set you both free. More than anything else, he deserves your honesty.
    And yeah, all the men I’ve met or heard of whose female partners leave them for another women wander around the rest of their lives muttering “We could have had threesomes?!” but that’s no reason to do it if you’re not interested.
    And really, forget all the cultural stereotypes. Coming out is about being yourself. Most of the lesbians I know fit the culture’s definition of mainstream feminine.

  4. The one thing that won’t have changed in all this is that you are no less a nice person than you were before.So, as a nice person you’ll know how much it will hurt your husband if you drift away slowly and leave him thinking there might be another man. For your sake sit him down and tell him you’re having some feelings. It hasn’t stopped you loving him but it’s in a different way now. You need him as a brother or a friend but you do need him in your life. Ask him if he’ll perhaps let you live as a new person to see if you’re right about the feelings and tell him you’ll support him if he finds a new relationship.
    Most important….you deserve happiness as much as he does and the longer you leave this the less happiness you’re allowing yourself.
    God Luck !

  5. Just stumbled onto your blog. I laughed at #2, so I had to comment.

    You might want to start reading Butch Wonders blog – she also came out to her (now-ex) husband, and whaddyaknow she’s now a high profile lesbian blogger! She also wrote up her very detailed story.

    • Thank you Maddox. Just checked out Butch’s blog and it’s excellent! I think I need to start a tumblr account so I can follow all these blogs in a more cohesive way. Trying to keep up with the blogs I like is like being invited to a bunch of Vegas shows but not having the aptitude to keep up with showtimes and how to get there. I need a driver dammit! lol

      • Three letters: RSS. Subscribe to each blog via RSS, and use an aggregator app like Google Reader. Caution: it’s addicting.

  6. Can I just say you guys are amazing. Thank you.

  7. Most men feel emasculated when they find out their wife is lesbian or bisexual. They go crazy and snap and it’s dangerous. Lesbian and bisexual women have been beaten or killed by their husbands for not being feminine enough.

    • I think my husband would be more understanding, but yes, I’m sure he would feel emasculated. That is part of my struggle in telling him.
      I feel for those women who also have to deal with men who are prone to violence. It must be a double edged sword.

  8. I just came across this and I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I have never been with a woman but I am 99% sure I am a lesbian and I don’t know how to tell my husband. We have a young child together and I am scared to be on my own. Thank you for helping me realize what I have to do and I hope your situation worked out.

    • It’s a tough road to go down and sometime I wonder what the hell I’m doing, but the only way to go forward is by honoring your own truth. It may be a struggle from time to time but being honest with yourself at least, makes it easier in so many ways. Have courage. Your future self will thank you.

  9. Wow i feel your pain. I have come out to my husband twice he gets angry then guilt trips me. Like i am a Christian so he tells me i will go to hell. And then he says in just a second later he’d kill himself if i left him. Either way im still in love with women. Stay strong and understand its going to be difficult either way. But it feels a lot better just voicing how you feel. I know easier than it sounds but your worth it! Hang in there!

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