I am at a crossroads in my life where two sides of my self are converging. The Gemini in me is snickering at the Shakespearean “Dramedy” of it all. On one hand I am a pretty typical mom who does mom things, like read books to my girls, travel to fun places and do creative fun stuff. I try to maintain a good relationship with my husband, hiding my truest desires under a cloak of “the playful bi wifey.” I am a pretty well-known local artist with mild success. On the other hand I am out to all my closest friends and my best friends know practically everything about me including this blog. I live vicariously through friends who are living the life I want. I want to run away from my “wifey” life and reinvent myself.
I woke up from a rather vivid dream Sunday morning. In my dream I am discussing the details of my latest lesbian encounter and its implications with my Therapist. All of a sudden, my husband decides to have a few words with my therapist and quickly steals her away in such a manner I am left somewhat disoriented. As I come to my senses, I realize (as you do only in dreams) that my husband wants a divorce. I commence to chasing them down, not to convince him otherwise, but to see if he is ok and wants to talk. I look into a cave where a wild animal is supposedly living and he is not there (wow, what does that mean?) As I am looking for him I start figuring out what I will sell and how I can make it as easy as possible for him. I feel a thud on my stomach and then a bump on my arm… It’s him. He’s kissing me awake. I wake up from my dream but its impossible to shake it off, so I lie there, confused. He stands at the door to our bedroom. “Do you like it?”
I look down at my Mother’s Day gift and reply “Yes, honey, thanks.” I reach for the card in a stupor. It professes my skill at parenting and love. I suck back the lump in my throat. My mind screams, “What the f@%k am I doing?” I lay back, unable to process the polarities of my life. I just wanted to melt into the bed.
What do I want? I’m pretty sure I know. Every part of me knows… but yet here I sit, staring at myself and wondering how I will make it to the other side in one piece. How will I do this without hurting so many in the process? I see my Therapist on Thursday, unbeknownst to my husband. I feel like a terrible wife. Like I am living a lie and he is the butt of my horrible joke but I have no control in rescuing him from it. He is every bit man enough to keep a woman. He had me convinced I was straight because he knew what he was doing, yet deep down I had a voice in me screaming to be heard. I shut it up every way I could. First I tried to appease it with gay clubs, then I got married and devoted all my time to my husband, I then went on to work like a horse, ignoring anything that might make me acknowledge my lesbian tendencies. I would avert my eyes when I was near any attractive women. I made myself look away for fear they’d catch me oggling them. At times I would meet lesbians and secretly wish they would just call me out, but they always were respectful of my “straight” life, even when they were suspicious.
As time has gone on, I am less and less attracted to my husband. It’s not his fault. I still love him. I always will. I just am no longer in love with him or his man parts. I yearn to be with a woman. I have a panic attack every time I think about it. As I type this my heart is booming hard against my chest. Sometimes I wish it would just burst through and kill me, but it doesn’t. I have no interest in doing myself in but if my heart gave way … I wouldn’t begrudge it. I am so numb yet I am feeling everything. How can one function with their head under water for so long?
I want to be free yet I am so scared at it’s cost that I cower in my closet. I am at odds with myself in how I can safely navigate to my destination without completely destroying the ship I’m sailing on. I don’t want to swim yet I’m already drowning.