Yes, I love you, NO, I don’t want to have sex with you anymore

I am at a crossroads in my life where two sides of my self are converging. The Gemini in me is snickering at the Shakespearean “Dramedy” of it all. On one hand I am a pretty typical mom who does mom things, like read books to my girls, travel to fun places and do creative fun stuff. I try to maintain a good relationship with my husband, hiding my truest desires under a cloak of “the playful bi wifey.” I am a pretty well-known local artist with mild success. On the other hand I am out to all my closest friends and my best friends know practically everything about me including this blog. I live vicariously through friends who are living the life I want. I want to run away from my “wifey” life and reinvent myself.

I woke up from a rather vivid dream Sunday morning. In my dream I am discussing the details of my latest lesbian encounter and its implications with my Therapist. All of a sudden, my husband decides to have a few words with my therapist and quickly steals her away in such a manner I am left somewhat disoriented. As I come to my senses, I realize (as you do only in dreams) that my husband wants a divorce. I commence to chasing them down, not to convince him otherwise, but to see if he is ok and wants to talk. I look into a cave where a wild animal is supposedly living and he is not there (wow, what does that mean?) As I am looking for him I start figuring out what I will sell and how I can make it as easy as possible for him. I feel a thud on my stomach and then a bump on my arm… It’s him. He’s kissing me awake. I wake up from my dream but its impossible to shake it off, so I lie there, confused. He stands at the door to our bedroom. “Do you like it?”

I look down at my Mother’s Day gift and reply “Yes, honey, thanks.” I reach for the card in a stupor. It professes my skill at parenting and love. I suck back the lump in my throat. My mind screams, “What the f@%k am I doing?” I lay back, unable to process the polarities of my life. I just wanted to melt into the bed.

What do I want? I’m pretty sure I know. Every part of me knows… but yet here I sit, staring at myself and wondering how I will make it to the other side in one piece. How will I do this without hurting so many in the process? I see my Therapist on Thursday, unbeknownst to my husband. I feel like a terrible wife. Like I am living a lie and he is the butt of my horrible joke but I have no control in rescuing him from it. He is every bit man enough to keep a woman. He had me convinced I was straight because he knew what he was doing, yet deep down I had a voice in me screaming to be heard. I shut it up every way I could. First I tried to appease it with gay clubs, then I got married and devoted all my time to my husband, I then went on to work like a horse, ignoring anything that might make me acknowledge my lesbian tendencies. I would avert my eyes when I was near any attractive women. I made myself look away for fear they’d catch me oggling them. At times I would meet lesbians and secretly wish they would just call me out, but they always were respectful of my “straight” life, even when they were suspicious.

As time has gone on, I am less and less attracted to my husband. It’s not his fault. I still love him. I always will. I just am no longer in love with him or his man parts. I yearn to be with a woman. I have a panic attack every time I think about it. As I type this my heart is booming hard against my chest. Sometimes I wish it would just burst through and kill me, but it doesn’t. I have no interest in doing myself in but if my heart gave way … I wouldn’t begrudge it. I am so numb yet I am feeling everything. How can one function with their head under water for so long?

I want to be free yet I am so scared at it’s cost that I cower in my closet. I am at odds with myself in how I can safely navigate to my destination without completely destroying the ship I’m sailing on. I don’t want to swim yet I’m already drowning.


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  1. Wow. Such a powerful post. I encourage you to do what you want to do. Yeah, I know. Easy to say, nearly impossible to do. I wish I could help you along aside from a comment here, a like or a rate there. I hardly know you but I want to run and hug you and tell you that you aren’t the only one who feels like this. You can do this though. You can follow your heart while maintaining a friendship with your husband. It will be hard – especially right away as things are raw – but if you two were good friends at all to begin with, then good friends is what you can return to if you wish. Continue being the wonderful mom to your children and keep fighting for what you need. Congratulations on getting this far and to this realization. Good luck as you keep going.

    • It will be a while before I get the nerve to tell him. He is so convinced that I enjoy our life together in and out of bed. I do such an amazing job of pretending I love it all, when honestly, I love most of it. Unfortunately, there are so many key elements that are missing that it just doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m so tired of pretending I’m ok.

      • P.S. Thank you Ryn, that does mean alot.

      • Well, I encourage you – hard as it may be – to be as honest as you can be. Meaning stop pretending wherever possible. Whether that means starting with saying you are feeling crappy after sex or just after a rough day, start there. Take small steps towards that sort of open honesty and things will follow from there and (hopefully) get easier.

      • And you’re welcome 🙂

  2. You’re writing what I was feeling eight months ago. You can do it. You’re braver than I am (I never had the balls to go to gay clubs), so you’ll do what needs to be done. It will hurt. A lot. Both of you. It will feel like you’re cutting your own heart in two and shoving half down his throat, choking him to death. But when Ruth asked me how long I had known, it was a relief to be able to say that I told her as soon as I could admit the truth to myself. And I still haven’t had any gay relationships, but I’m much happier living honestly with myself and the people around me. Ruth might not be happy yet, but she prefers knowing the truth. You will both find comfort and support in unexpected places. Your friends and family will continue to show you that they love you. You have a community who will see you through this, and so does he. Ruth also asked who I had told before I told her; try to keep this list short, as a long list will make him feel like he’s been humiliated for a long time, and everyone’s been laughing at him behind his back.

    It might help you to plan your exit strategy–who will keep the kids, who will stay in your house, who will move in with whom, what kind of financial arrangement you’ll need to make… thinking through these decisions will help it seem more real, more definitely in the near future. Giving yourself a time limit is also good (I broke one or two–just forgive yourself and try harder next time).

    You can do it. There’s love everywhere in your life. Trust love to lead you in a good direction.

    • Thanks Ricky, the whole cutting-my-heart-in-half thing really helps. 😉 I can say I have been pretty honest about my attraction towards women. I think he will have a harder time with the idea that I’m drawn to women even though it appeared that I was quite satisfied by him. Without getting into the lurid details, let’s just say It’s like eating at some Italian eatery and comparing it to going to Italy for dinner. Yeah, you get full, but you and I both know what is more satisfying to the senses.
      I will take you up on the time line thing. I’m just don’t want to get stuck in Texas and I know I will if I come out before I convince him to move. I know. I know. Conniving. But you’d understand if you lived here too. Not exactly a gay friendly environment to bring my girls up in. They would definitely stigmatize my children. One of my best friends is a non-practicing Wiccan, and they think she can cast spells and has some evil powers. lol. She’s only evil when she doesn’t have coffee.
      I appreciate the kind words. In time I will get this done. Please bear with me as I hem and haw. We will celebrate our 12th anniversary this weekend. My birthday follows shortly after, along with a visit from
      my mom. Excuses, I know, but I’m such a non-confrontational person that couldn’t bear to add drama in the midst a celebration. Ugh. I disgust myself sometimes.

      • I had to wait until we moved too. We were living in a haunted house (literally–scary weird freaky shit), so I waited until we had left it for a couple of weeks so she wouldn’t think I was being possessed or influenced by the ghosts who wanted us out of there. I needed her to believe I was in my right mind, and that meant waiting longer than I wanted to.

        Don’t be hard on yourself. I don’t use emoticons much, but I always smile affectionately to the screen when I encourage you to tell him soon.

        It’s not conniving to try to make life better for your kids. I’m leaving the area in August, in part so that my kids don’t have to grow up in rural western NC as the sons of the local faggot. I love them and want to be with them, but for a time their lives will be better if I’m somewhere else.

        And people who have tried it generally urge people against the “I’m gay, pass the turkey” coming out strategy (using major family events to make a big announcement to everyone at once). I tell one family member at a time. No need for drama.

        When the time is right, you’ll tell your Hubs. Trust yourself to know when that will be. We who have been where you are know how much happier we are now, and we want to share that joy with you, so we want to help you find it too. I’m sorry if I seem impatient. I’m not going to stop caring about you if it takes you a long time to tell him, or even if you never tell him, and I’m pretty sure your other online friends will say the same.

  3. Yep. I could have written this post 18 months ago. I know the pain, I know the hurt, I know the loneliness and the fear. From the other side of that conversation, though, more than a year on the other side, I can absolutely tell you it gets better. I’d do me a little It Gets Better Project video all for you if I could. You’ll be okay, and so will he. It might take a while to get there, you might have to go through some shit, but it is absolutely worth it in the end. I promise.

    • I’d love to see your “It get’s better” video. ❤ I really appreciate the thought. I feel like I know in my heart that it will turn out ok, but the process just sucks. I'm so afraid to let go of what I know. My life is pretty easy. It's practically on auto pilot. I just don't want to wake from this haze and go "why did it take so damn long to get up and DO SOMETHING?"
      Thank you for your kind words. I take comfort in stories like yours and Ricky's.

  4. You have so much compassion for the other people in your life, you need to have more compassion for yourself. Sure, it’s not their fault, but I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s your “fault” either. You didn’t intentionally set out to hurt anyone. You still aren’t intentionally hurting anyone. You’re just doing what you need to do at the moment to protect everything and everyone that you care about. I hear the love and care that you have for others in every thought that you write out and even through all of the pain that you experience.

    I empathise because although our situations are very, very different, I know what it’s like to be in such turmoil over conflicting extremes. I’m just really glad that you have a therapist that will hopefully help you as you navigate your way through options and find some peace within yourself and the choices that you are able to finally come to in your own time.

    Take care

  5. I went through something very similar. At the time, I came across the book “From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life” and I remember that reading it stirred up in me such a yearning it would bring tears to my eyes. By that time, I had met a woman online and had fallen in love, but unlike you, I no longer had good feelings of any kind for my husband beyond the respect any human being is due. I wasn’t in love with him, I didn’t love him, I didn’t even enjoy being roommates with him. I finally took a week to visit the woman I met online, and on the last day of that trip, he called to tell me he was leaving. I remember hanging up the phone, looking at my girlfriend and simply saying, “I’m free.” I’ve never looked back. She and I live together now and have for three years, and I can without a second’s hesitation say that knowing her and being with her is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It wasn’t an easy journey, and to be honest, I didn’t feel great about parts of it, but I don’t know that you do anyone favors by staying in a relationship that isn’t really a relationship anymore. Unless he’s been terrible and abusive to you – and I don’t think he has? – he actually deserves someone who can love him heart, body and soul. It takes courage, I know it does.

  6. I think this entry is truly raw..vulnerable… and getting to the core of who you really are!!
    So very very lovely 🙂
    Keep writing girl!!!

  7. I agree with some of the other commenters about being true to yourself. The whole divorce process will suck, even if it starts amicably like mine did. The kids will adjust but it will take time. If I had one thing to do over, I would have come out when my kids were younger. Friends I know who have done this have had an easier time than I did with my older teens, even though they were raised to be open-minded.

    LOL at the Texas thing. I live in East Texas so I understand what you mean. Shocking how many lesbians I know here, although I will be moving this summer.

    One last thing, you really are doing your husband a favor by letting him go. He deserves someone who will love him for who he is…man parts and all. ❤

  8. This is old, but I am glad I came across it… I am going through this now… But I’m glad I’ve realized it now instead of years down the road (I’m 25). It has been so hard. I’m completely lost… I have been married for 3 years to my high school sweetheart… But I have never been really satisfied… I crave being with a woman… My husband knows and is devastated…

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