A note to my younger self at various moments of my life. A note I should read from time to time to remind myself who I truly am.
Dear Younger Self,
I see you looking at those women, trying not to be caught. It’s okay. It’s actually quite natural. I know you feel like your supposed to like boys, but deep down inside they just don’t do it for you. I know that you like that girl Madeline and have a secret crush on her. It’s ok. You ARE normal. I know that when you saw that exchange student take off her her shirt to reveal her amazingly perfect breasts, you looked away while all the exchange students simply complemented her. You were so flustered by her beauty. You were so warm all over and surprised by it. You knew if you looked, your gaze would surpass those around you and you’d be found out, but you held on to the image in your head for a teenage eternity.
I see you embracing and enjoying a woman for the first time and truly understanding what it is that you desire. I remember that after you were so ashamed and worried that someone would find out. How could you be gay? How could you be bi? You didn’t want to commit to it, so instead you swept the whole experience under the rug. I wish you hadn’t, but it’s ok. You’d learn later on how pivotal that moment was for you as a woman, and perhaps as a lesbian in the future. I know you were scared, but you didn’t have to be. Your family would still love you. Those who matter would still be there.
I see you watching your aunt and wondering if she really is gay. Yes, she is. And yes, that is her girlfriend. She hid it for her entire life as well as one could without ever actually admitting she was. You knew, we all knew and it’s ok. She did what was best for her and she loved you. Deep down I think she knew about you too. Deep down she wanted you to do what she never had the will to do. She was upset at your wedding along with your best (lesbian) friend… They knew what you so clearly seem to hide from yourself. They knew who you were, who you are and loved you even though you hid that part from the most of the world. You were so afraid and ashamed of being true to yourself. You could have walked away, but the pull for love and intimacy trumped sexuality. There are no score keepers in life. You will go on and live in oblivion a while longer. You will lose yourself in him and it will be a curtain of oblivion you bestowed upon yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. You will truly enjoy being with him in so many ways.
One day, however, the curtain will fall. It will reveal your truest desires. You will need to shine like you never shone before. You will yearn to acknowledge and honor your true self. You will want to push past the barriers that have held you back. The biggest barrier being yourself. You CAN do it. You must. You have the courage to do it, but do it in your own time. Give yourself the gifts of honesty and love.
Always remember that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are loved. Keep shining and let nothing dim your glow. There is a light in all of us that needs to shine. Our fears and apprehensions dim our light and darken our spirits. Every time you feel yourself lose your sparkle, shine brighter, love deeper and be truer to who you are. I cannot see into the future, but so far it’s pretty damn good. Keep looking past that curtain and look for what you really want. It may be there on the other side, but first you have to find it in yourself.