The struggle


All I can think about are beautiful women. I lust for them. I yearn to touch them. I fantasize daily about meeting up with someone and having a lurid affair. No strings attached. I think about how I could meet someone and if I could do it in an honest way, so that my husband would be in the know, but not want to be a part of it. I don’t want to share in the experience. I want her all to myself. If I could just be honest with him and let him know how much I want that, he probably would be fine with it. I guess the struggle really lies within myself.

I always try like hell at first, to be in the moment and respond to my husbands advances but my body refuses. When he touches me, I replace his hands with a woman’s. I imagine his hair is long and his skin is smooth. I try to ignore any masculine part of him as he tries his best to waken my insides. Only then can I respond.

It hurts me that I am not there for him like I used to be. I did lust for him. I did like the sex. What happened? He has only gotten better with time. He knows every button and pushes it on command. Why is my desire now so depleted? Why do I look at him with disdain when he mentions sex? I still do it, even though my body refuses to respond. I have an inner battle, trying to convince it that “This is hot.” “Why isn’t this turning you on?”  My body is silent, only physically reacting to touch rather than all the senses. “My mind races, ok, think of anything, just get there with him, so he is not alone in this.” I pluck from my mental diary of hot women, hot pictures, soft hair, a sweet scent of perfume on a dewy neck, warm soft kisses and small hands…and then I am there with him, gasping. Imagining. Cringing in guilt and coming at the same time. I want him off of me. His breath is hot and in my face. His body heavy and exhausted from all his efforts.

I run to the bathroom in shame. I feel like a traitor to him and myself at the same time. When I get back his head is cemented into his pillow, half snoring and content. I lie awake and wonder when I will  do something… anything to change this pattern. When will I get the strength to confront him about exactly what I need? It sounds so simple, but it scares the hell out of me.

2 Comments

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  1. Now imagine going through this mental battle and trying to maintain an erection at the same time. I never had an answer for questions like, “That’s it?” or “What’s wrong?” I feel your pain, and remember mine.

  2. This sounds way to familiar 😦 I wish I had an answer for all of us that are struggling with this.

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