To look or not to look


I was laying in bed and asked my husband if I seriously could have a “girlfriend.” He said that it sounded cool in theory but wasn’t sure how well it would work out. I’m not sure about it either. I just know that I am pent up and have never felt this level of frustration, as I’ve always had a pretty phenomenal sex life, but as my eyes have opened to what truly attracts me, my body is now rejecting what doesn’t. I feel pretty confused. I know what I want and am craving it like a freaking teenager yet I am not really wanting a girlfriend or anyone for that matter to muddy up my already crazy life. I wouldn’t want to invite someone into such a mess. I just know that the axis of my life has changed and all has shifted. He knows it. I know it. This might be a baby step, but I feel the next step might be a leap…

He said I could do whatever, and that I would know what would be appropriate. That having a girlfriend would be ok, as long as she didn’t interfere with our lives in any profound way. What’s that suppose to mean? If I held her down and devoured her, would that be appropriate? If I just let her rock my world and not touched her, would that be ok? Do I just not tell him? Go find someone and quietly lust after them in my free time? And then go back to him? To find how much less I am attracted to men? Perhaps that’s my biggest fear through all of this. Once I go down that carnal road, is there a place to make a U-turn? What if I don’t want to turn back? I have a pretty good notion I wouldn’t want to. I have a hard time just driving home.

So where do I go from here?

One Comment

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  1. I’m very excited for you. You’re taking steps that will lead to the freedom to be yourself. I think that eventually your man will figure out that there is no way to give you the relationship you need and still maintain the marriage you already have; relationships take time, even those relationships that consist of quick, transitory sexual encounters (unsatisfying as they may be). I think you know that this won’t be the last scary conversation with him, but it’s a huge step in a very good direction. Life is opening itself to you, and that’s a thrilling thing.

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