My mother just called me to tell me that my sister has been admitted into yet another psyche ward for attempted suicide. I am so tired of crying for her. It feels like I swallowed something and its stuck in my throat. I’m at a loss. She had called me yesterday and we talked for close to an hour. That’s a record for us.We talked about her problems at work and how an ex-boyfriend took advantage of her. She cried, we shared, and when she got off the phone she sounded like she felt better. Apparently she was not. She hung out later with my mom an had a few drinks. After leaving my mom’s house, she decided that downing a bottles worth of pills would make it all better.
A family friend found her half-alive and called the ambulance. The midnight drama played out like some horrible Shakespearean play, where she was scooped up and saved once again from herself. She was mad when she woke to find herself admitted for her attempted suicide. She was venomous at any perpetrator involved. My poor mother was traumatized all over again, because each time my sister goes through one of her episodes, she sucks in all that surround her. When she spirals out of control, she creates this vortex of sadness and confusion. You want to help but you know you can’t. It’s like watching a barn fire and knowing there are horses inside that you can’t save, so you just watch and feel the pit inside your stomach grow. Except with Samantha, she is setting all the fires and then crying from the inside.
I’m all but numb to the cries, when the flames start glowing hot. Her phone call was the match, she wanted to see it burn even though she new there was no fire yet. She knew I would love her and help her and yet she still walked away into her own sadness. I fear one day she will walk away for good. One day, she will never come back from her dispair. I guess it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, you cannot convince them otherwise when they are so wound up in their own turmoil. When they are already sitting in the barn, lighting and tossing matches, wondering how long it will take to catch fire.
I told her how much I loved her yesterday. I told her that we all are perfect in our imperfections. That her need to please people only dug her into a deeper hole, because she kept forgetting who she was and what she wanted. (Sound familiar?) I told her that she is loved and no matter what she does or where she goes, I would always be there for her. I don’t know what else I could say to her. I suggested she see a therapist to help her with her current problems. She gave excuses why she couldn’t. I gave her reasons why she must. We said our goodbyes and then I reminded her again just how much I love her.
And so now, again, I’m here, so very far away, watching the barn burn once again. I just pray she get’s out in time.