Just for the kink of it

I have always wondered exactly what to call myself. Where did I fit on the gayness scale. I’m sure most people who realize that their attraction towards the same sex later in life, then have to come to terms with what that means exactly.

I wonder if it’s just the latent search for kink. I mean, for those of us who have been married for a long time, you long for things to keep your sex life fresh and interesting. So when he gave me that first little spank, I was like, oooh, that’s different and fun… let’s do that some more. I wonder if the quest for variety is sometimes the instigator to reawaken our true sexual proclivities. I wonder if it’s real or if it’s just a search for kink. I’m noticing more and more couples who are into swinging and open marriages. Is there a reason for it other than to spice things up? Is the wifey looking to make out with your neighbors wife? Is the hubby looking to cop a feel of the cop next door? Or is really just to make that sex life actually come back to life?

I have a feeling that if I had a chance to romp with the neighbors hot wife, I might not have the same desire when I get back into my own bed. It’s like getting served the best dessert ever with the most amazing coffee to go with it and then the next day your back to day old donuts and vending machine coffee.

For me, I think I’ve always been attracted to women. I realize now how many crushes I had as a young woman and then into adulthood, that I thought were just people I REALLY wanted to be friends with, but it was more than that. Funny thing is, if you told me about a man who only daydreams about kissing another man I’d be like “GAY!” So why do I struggle with the idea that I could possibly be gay and not just bi? I never fantasize about men. I never look at guys and say, ooh, I wonder what he’d be like to kiss. My mind doesn’t wander off in thoughts of their soft skin or how I would just love to see my hands navigate all over a man’s body, exploring each freckle. Take for example, the super hot Brad Pitt. I would much rather spend the day pushing back Jennifer Aniston’s hair to go in for a long deep kiss, than do the pump and grind with ole Brad.

As for the whole sexual fluidity thing, I don’t really know how it applies to me. I mean, I’m not falling in love with people and then “realizing” they are women. I love my husband despite the fact that I am attracted to women as a whole. I think that is more of a persona who is more so bi, than anything. I think we are deemed “boy” and “girl” at a young age and then we are set across from our opposite sex and told that this is what we are expected to like. It’s only those who listen to themselves that figure out early on that perhaps it’s not in their cards to like the opposite sex. It’s even more frustrating for those of us who are in the middle, not knowing that it’s a possibility to like both or in most cases, not to listen to what society is preaching to you. I had a built in ignorance and self homophobia that kept me from acknowledging anything other than what was consider socially “correct.” In my early twenties I was asked if I was gay, by a close friend, I skirted the truth inside myself  because I was so unsure of who I was. How could I like girls? That was ok for my friends, but I couldn’t possibly be bi. How could I come back from that? I liked boys ok, I guess. They didn’t gross me out, so I must like them enough to pretend I’m straight, right? Sex was good enough. It was ok because I was still getting it out of the same vending machine. I never tasted what I really wanted yet, and then when I did, I really got confused.

Knowing what it’s like and then acknowledging myself for what I really want makes it hard to act like a hetero relationship is the perfect match for me. I’ve never been in a lesbian relationship and my experience very limited, but I know that I know that I know that I want it in some way, shape or form. Or to at least try it out. This isn’t just kink or fantasy on my part. I just hope that I don’t fall apart in process of figuring it all out. My big fear is that it might really fit and I might never want to go back to my old donuts and coffee again. Who’s with me?




Add yours →

  1. Yep, I certainly couldn’t go back to men after I’d started sleeping with women. It just wasn’t possible. And you know, I did fall apart – I continue to fall apart – in the process. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, not the right thing to do for yourself and for your husband.

  2. Wilhelmina Upton July 27, 2012 — 6:18 pm

    I used to stare at that Jennifer Aniston poster above my bed a LOT while I was a teenager, never understand (or permitting myself to know) why. Come to think of it, I don’t remember ever having posters of men on my walls unless it was a mixed group of people like the cast of Friends…

    Granted, I’m FAR away from your situation but it’s still difficult to figure out what I truly am. Gay? Lesbian? I’m still not sure though I think in the end it will more result in lesbian than bi. Whatever though, I wish you courage and luck in finding out who truly lives inside of you!

    • Thank you. I think we all struggle to label ourselves because we are taught that that is what you do. You put yourself in a neat little box and that is where you safely sit until you realize how incredibly limiting that is. Good luck with your search as well.

  3. I am! I just haven’t had really great … ummmm… coffee yet. If you’ve not seen it yet, find a copy of Adrienne Rich’s “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.” It’s a long essay, and a bit academic, but I think it might address some of the issues you’re working through.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: