I love my husband. He is generous in his love for me. He calls me beautiful every day and tells me every morning how much he loves me. He will be extremely lazy at times, but then he will make up for it in bursts of helpfulness. He is definitely not a perfect man by any stretch, but as far as husbands go, I’d say he’s much better than most in many ways. I am not perfect so I cannot expect him to be either. He never has a bad word to say about me even if my cooking is a little too experimental or if I haven’t brushed my hair in a day.
I wonder if the reason I stay is out of fear. I feel like I would never receive this same level of attention/adoration in another relationship. As if I am not worthy of such a pedestal or that I just don’t want to be on one anymore. Or perhaps that I don’t deserve it after treating someone like I am treating him, by hiding my heart in false pretenses.How do you say I love you out of one corner of your mouth while silently screaming to be free out of the other?
I have been moderately honest in my openness about my “attraction” towards women and so far, being the good husband he is, he supports it. His family has even made remarks about making sure he does not “lose” me (not knowing anything about my attraction towards women), so I think he would hold on to me far longer than most men would because his love is strong and his hope to keep me, would tether my people-pleasing heart.
I read on a forum about breaking up with a good husband and it rattled me a bit. I placate myself with the fact that he’s a good guy when he is on model behavior, but when he is the jerk who sits on the couch while the children fight and I’m doing dishes and feeding the animals, it’s easier to have an angry heart and turn it on him. The problem is, even if he fixed all his flaws and turned himself into a shiny ass-kissing, kiddo charming, house-cleaning sweetheart, would I still be happy? Would I then actually have to look inside myself and see who I really am and what I really want?
I fear, my friend, that the answer is yes.