I decided to take this weekend and drive down to my best friends house so I could get away for a weekend. I’m exhausted. My work is nonstop and my life is just churning along. I could probably get away with a body double if need be, but for some reason, I have no volunteers. Oh well. My husband was trying to stop me from going. He thinks hanging out with my free spirited friend will get me into trouble. God, I hope so. I could use a little fun in my life.
Actually, what he doesn’t realize is that she is my rock, like I am hers. When we hang out, it’s so easy. There are no expectations. We just chill and enjoy each other’s company. There are no responsibilities or deadlines. My weekends away are like his nights spent in the garage or out fishing. Plus the 4 plus hours driving in complete silence perforated by my breakout performances when the mood strikes, is cathartic. It’s like a meditation of silence. To hear the wind whistle over the car and the swoosh of the passing vehicles is almost trance like. You can get a lot of thinking done in uninterrupted silence. Something I rarely get any of. I can roll down all the windows and let the hair dryer heat blast its way through the car and feel how alive I really am. Or I can keep all the windows up and feel the silence and seek shelter within myself.
I need time to figure what I want and who I am. I need time to grieve for the loss of my grandmother and time to digest my sister’s attempted suicide. It’s hard to acknowledge the big things in your life when you are distracted by all the little things like lost shoes or work overload. It is hard to change when you are doing the same thing over and over again. There comes a time when you have to step back from your life and look at it as a whole and ask, Does this make me happy? Am I being true to who I am? Am I honoring my needs? What is the engery I am giving back to the world around me? Is it positive? What small step can I take to make my life that much better? I don’t know how much of that I will accomplish this weekend, but it’s a start. Even if I just start thinking about what I can do currently to be a happier person and better mother. If I can just gain some perspective when I’m not in it, I might get a better understanding of what I truly want. I know that the only way to move on to be happier is to take a risk and perhaps mess up. Who knows, I may find a door that I didn’t know was there before. It’s just takes some well deserved time to find yourself.
(I think this blog post is pretty damn good. Very motivational when you are stuck in a rut.)