My work has my insides all tied up in knots. I cannot keep up at work or at home now. I got the chance to run away for the weekend but it just makes the reality of my life all the clearer when I get back into it. I got home to a very grumpy husband who is feeling neglected and a house that’s even more so. I get to work and it feels like as soon as I get something accomplished, another tide of crap washes over me.
I apologize for the litany of shit I am purging here but it seems the only place to do it. I had to move my Therapy session because I had to go somewhere for work and then the appointed got canceled by my therapist. So now I’m a month out before I get to see her again. I haven’t even been able to digest my sisters suicide attempt or deal with my anxiety attacks I have been having.
My whole ride home from my trip was focused on when I would get home because apparently I should have left sooner, according to my husband. Not sure why, but I guess I’m just supposed to rush back to the house so I can watch him sit on the couch and pout. I feel no connection to him when I am gone. I don’t even call. He bums me out when I do. So I just don’t bother. We then discussed our upcoming trip to New England and he became even more disgruntled. He has no interest going back there and I’m dying inside to get back. It kills me that he doesn’t seem the least bit happy to see me happy. I may not be thrilled with him at all times, but it lifts my heart to see him happy and fulfilled. I guess I don’t understand why it doesn’t do the same for him. Maybe it does, it’s just his own wants get in the way. I don’t know. Really, I would have been fine if he didn’t go, but that would have offended him as well.
So now I am rethinking my working life as well. My boss can be so nice sometimes and then other times he doesn’t get how much responsibility he lays on me. I really think I need to work from home again. it was far easier to have a life. I live so far away from my job and my kiddos school is in the opposite direction. Last year it was impossible to take part in many of her school activities because it meant taking too much time off. I also need some more time to myself, something I am definitely not getting right now, with few exceptions or with children (and is that really time to yourself? I think not.) I’m just so damn tired all the time and feel like there is no time to do anything for myself.
I feel like my head is going to explode. I feel like my chest is going to explode. My heart is constantly pounding. I worry about work, life, how we are going to afford our trip, where to stay, will he be a jerk the whole time? How am I going to get all my stuff done before I leave? I don’t know. I’m lost. My heart is in my throat. Can I just hide somewhere for a while? I cannot breathe.I cannot wind down. My mind is reeling.