How to not be a Lesbian….

Follow this advice if you are in dire need to deny the fact that you are either bi or a lesbian…. I know I’m still stuck in psyche limbo where denial seems to rule, so I figure I’d share some tips on how to remain neutral in spite of your waning heterosexual libido and peaking lust for all that is over there on the “other side.”

1. Clean. Clean everything. Just keep busy so you don’t have to sit on his lap or pretend that you are completely interested in f#@king him later. The more disgusting and sweaty you get while cleaning, the better. (FYI- Hankerchief head scarves, saggy pants and loose fitting grungy t-shirt work best.)

2. Forget to shave. For days. For weeks. Just keep the pits tidy, no one but the french want to see that. Perhaps in your ability to call crickets with your calves, you might be able to stave off a few days of coitus. And then get all pretty and give it to him, so he doesn’t think you’re out doing someone else.

3. Read GQ and the real Sports Illustrated. (Not the swim suit edition.) Note the manly men and thier muscles. Try to imagine how much some women would love to be slathered upon such man meat. Try not to throw up. Imagine they really care about you and they are actually all really great in bed. (Ok, you can gag now.)

4. To be prim and proper is to be sexless… try that one on. Tell me how ya like it, cause I’m not even going there.

5. Act like he is right and that you really don’t have an opinion that counts. Just because it has been  relegated to the “too f’n liberal” side of things doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hear it or care. It’s just that you can’t be of feminist opinions… that might get you leaning back towards the “L” side.

6. NO Cable TV series, no Will & Grace reruns, no Glee, definitely no Project Runway or anything like that. They are just homosexual gateway drugs.

7. If you are butch, buy yourself a dress or two, if you are a femme, get yourself a pant suit for godsake and stop staring at your hot co-workers ass.

8. Cleavage is like a Lesbian Medusa stare, one glance and you are frozen in time. So be wary… Cute bottoms come in a close second.

9. Don’t join a gym or become friends with too many nurses, both are breeding grounds for baby lesbians.

10. Pretend his manhood is a strap-on. The least you could do is help him out while you fantasize. If he has Moobs (Man-boobs) all the better. Squeeze and pinch.

Ok, well that’s all I have for now. Hope this little list keeps you under cover for a bit longer till you can figure your shit out.










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  1. My house is never so clean as when I’m depressed and my (ex)husband and children are around. I can’t stand to interact with them, so I clean and clean and clean.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my kitchen floor requires mopping.

  2. Laughed out loud at the moobs!

  3. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I used to watch Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model together. It was only a useful gateway for me, not her. She did treat the film Rent as if it were a religious experience, though.

  4. These are hysterical! I love your humor. Thanks for sharing.

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