As much as I want a girl to play with, I truly miss tenderness. Perhaps that is truly what I am seeking. Sometimes I wonder that if my husband hadn’t lost that somewhere along the way, I might not be blogging right now. I wonder if I am bi and I am pushed towards women by my own response to my husbands high expectations of the amount of sex we should have. I wonder if I look at women as a non-pushy substitute to what I have been subjected to my entire life. I don’t know how valid that is, because I certainly know some pushy women as well.
I say this because I have found myself in moments where I was near some rather attractive men and I could feel my face flush. I was slightly flirty. I don’t know if it was just the recent attention but I rarely ever feel this way towards men. Perhaps I am now exuding an air of sexuality that I haven’t in a long time and they are picking up on it. I flirt with idea of what it would be like with another man, but the married woman in me quickly quashes that. Not that I am going to go out and do anything with another man but I wonder weather I long for women because it is a more acceptable way to ignore the tenderness that is missing from my own relationship, while not “cheating” on him. Based on my past experiences with men, there is little tenderness involved with the exception of my husband in the beginning. There were only two men in my life who made me feel like it was an honor to be with me. They were tender and loving. My first love and my husband. When it was tender and loving, I never looked away. I never wanted to be with anyone else.
Now that our relationship has become some sort of sexual suppressant to his needs and a depressant to mine, my desires wane and my heart wanders. I feel as if what ever had made me so desirable to him in the beginning is what now makes him self-conscious and irritable. Whenever I act independent and free, he becomes even more insecure. His reassurance only comes from sex.
I had someone suggest the obvious, “why don’t you just get a divorce.” That’s easier said than done. It’s easy to be an observer and throw opinions like rotten tomatoes. It’s different when you are looking at the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with and try to get the truth out, knowing full well how much it will hurt them. It’s a struggle I deal with everyday. I fell in love with this man for a reason, so I don’t want to throw it all away without knowing full well, why I am doing it and if there is any way to fix it and save it. Being honest is the biggest part. I’m always so afraid to hurt feelings that I let that get in my way a lot. I want keep the peace and make everyone happy, even if it means stifling my truth. I’m getting better and trying to be more open every day.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
~Leo F Buscaglia