Tenderness


As much as I want a girl to play with, I truly miss tenderness. Perhaps that is truly what I am seeking. Sometimes I wonder that if my husband hadn’t lost that somewhere along the way, I might not be blogging right now. I wonder if I am bi  and I am pushed towards women by my own response to my husbands high expectations of the amount of sex we should have. I wonder if I look at women as a non-pushy substitute to what I have been subjected to my entire life. I don’t know how valid that is, because I certainly know some pushy women as well.

I say this because I have found myself in moments where I was near some rather attractive men and I could feel my face flush. I was slightly flirty. I don’t know if it was just the recent attention but I rarely ever feel this way towards men. Perhaps I am now exuding an air of sexuality that I haven’t in a long time and they are picking up on it. I flirt with idea of what it would be like with another man, but the married woman in me quickly quashes that. Not that I am going to go out and do anything with another man but I wonder weather I long for women because it is a more acceptable way to ignore the tenderness that is missing from my own relationship, while not “cheating” on him. Based on my past experiences with men, there is little tenderness involved with the exception of my husband in the beginning. There were only two men in my life who made me feel like it was an honor to be with me. They were tender and loving. My first love and my husband. When it was tender and loving, I never looked away. I never wanted to be with anyone else.

Now that our relationship has become some sort of sexual suppressant to his needs and a depressant to mine, my desires wane and my heart wanders. I feel as if what ever had made me so desirable to him in the beginning is what now makes him self-conscious and irritable. Whenever I act independent and free, he becomes even more insecure. His reassurance only comes from sex.

I had someone suggest the obvious, “why don’t you just get a divorce.” That’s easier said than done. It’s easy to be an observer and throw opinions like rotten tomatoes. It’s different when you are looking at the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with and try to get the truth out, knowing full well how much it will hurt them. It’s a struggle I deal with everyday. I fell in love with this man for a reason, so I don’t want to throw it all away without knowing full well, why I am doing it and if there is any way to fix it and save it. Being honest is the biggest part. I’m always so afraid to hurt feelings that I let that get in my way a lot. I want keep the peace and make everyone happy, even if it means stifling my truth. I’m getting better and trying to be more open every day.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

~Leo F Buscaglia

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Self Discovery

6 Comments

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  1. What great insight and echoes my journey as well. I know for me it has been a lot of introspection that has helped me get to my answers of late. There sure is a huge complexity when you’re married, lacking intimacy and looking to other women for that which is missing. Good luck!

  2. I’ve sometimes wondered the same things about myself, because I still love my almost-ex-wife. But when I take the time to look into myself, I know I’m not attracted to women. It’s difficult, analyzing what you really want and are attracted to.

  3. I don’t know if this would help any ..I don’t know a lot about marriage or straight relationships but I know a lot about being a lesbian and I have been there when my friends were questioning their sexuality. Some of them turned out to be a lesbian and some weren’t..they were just going through it. I mean to love someone and to be in love with someone are two very different things. My mom can have all the love she can for my dad but that still doesn’t change the face that she’s not in love with him and that she is in love with another woman. Sometimes you just got to give yourself the chance to explore your sexuality. The connection women have with other women is different than with men. It a deeper closer connection and its damn hard to figure out if your coming from being “straight” its easily confused. We are women we know how each other is feeling we can pick up on the clues that men are insensitive to… which can be a breath of fresh air but doesn’t mean that your gay. I ask my friends 2 questions…
    a) can you see your self growing old with a woman?
    b) can you see yourself going down on a woman?
    Most can see A not a lot think that they can actually do B. And i think that its there where most women confuse friendship with lovers.
    Hope you get things figured out.

  4. I’ve thought a lot about what you use as a gauge to know if you’re gay. I so wish it were that simple for us still caught in the uncertainty. I had a friend give me my “aha moment” about my experience when I had a very intimate night with the only woman I’ve had any kind of “encounter” with. Since we didn’t actually have sex that night here I am 16 years later wondering if I could see myself having sex with a woman. My friend said, you can’t tell me if you did end up having sex with her it wouldn’t have been incredible. It was as if a lightbulb went on. It was true. In that moment I was so turned on and yet so afraid. Unfortunately I allowed my fear take over and I still regret it 16 years later. I do believe some of us just fall in love with the person and it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Thank you for making me think much harder about this question – I really do appreciate it!

    • We are taught all our lives to think black and white, straight vs gay, woman or man but really there are so many shades and levels. To go that deep and see further is sometimes so difficult because then it stops being about one definable thing.
      Define love. You can only describe what it means to you and how it fills your heart. It may have a completely different connotation to someone else. A mothers love, friendship, idolatry, passion… The list goes on and never ceases.
      So why should sexuality be something that can be clearly defined as well? It can’t.
      I think listening to your gut is the only tried and true way to do what is right for you. It’s when we ignore it that we tend to find ourselves in places we didn’t mean to end up in.
      Just listen to your gut. Meditate. Think about the paths you want to take and what your gut feeling is on each one. You just have to dig deep and listen. You already know inside, now you just have to listen.

      • Honey, I second everything you’ve said. I so believe and am just starting to live from exactly there. Listening to my gut, meditating. The answers are all there if you’re willing to listen. Right now they’re screaming at me so there’s no question. But it’s taken me a long time to hear them screaming.

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