How do I come out to my husband?

So, I have been looking at the search Engine terms that lead people to my page and one that has shown up in many different versions is “How do I come out to my husband?” That question would definitely lead you to a site like mine, but I have yet to even answer that for myself, let alone anyone reading this.

However, if you are reading this you either are very empathetic, you have gone through or are going through a similar situation to myself. So I guess I should attempt to answer this as best I can for anyone who is just landing here for the first time and really isn’t interested in my dark sense of humor, but rather is seeking some serious guidance. (The Google search usually lands them on “10 reasons to avoid telling my husband I’m gay.”) Not very helpful.

So here is my advice. Wait. Figure out a few things first.

1. How gay are you? If you think you have been gay from day one and just have been biting your lip and hating heterosexual sex since the beginning, get the hell out of that relationship. Unless you can live without sex and you have a great relationship otherwise. If you found yourself lusting after a best friend, address what you are lusting after. Are you replacing your relationship with your husband with that of your friend? Are the feelings mutual? Do you lust after any other women? If you are not sure of how gay you might be, don’t wrap yourself up in a label. It will only hinder you. There are studies about how women have more of what is called sexual fluidity where we can fluctuate in our feelings and desires towards both sexes. It doesn’t necessarily make you one hundred percent gay, it might just make you hot for Jessica Biel or your incredibly thoughtful best friend.

2. How is your relationship otherwise? Is it great? Was this your only issue with Mr. Fabulous or are there other things you just haven’t acknowledged about him that drive you up a fucking wall. Like the fact that he can sit comatose in front of the TV while the children are screaming bloody murder in another room. OK, ok, I know you love him, but that doesn’t make him Mr. Perfect. Are there things you are too afraid to address and this is your “Get Out of Jail Free card?” “Oh sorry hon, I must gay, goodbye!”

Address your issues with him, individually. You don’t have to come right out and tell him your gay. If you feel comfortable with it, you can lead with confessions of attraction. “Ooooh, man that Jillian Micheals is hot. I’d love to have her body.” or “You know I have a confession to make, I’d love to see what it’s like to kiss a girl.” Only do this if you feel comfortable/safe being able to discuss these things, I don’t know your husband or if what his reaction would be, but these would be baby steps to opening up the discussion on this topic. Opening the door for honest conversations is a big step in getting real.

3. Get a gay friendly therapist. In the south they are a bit harder to find, but they do exist. It’s easier to sort  through your thoughts when you have a non-biased opinion to help you out. My husband doesn’t know I even go. It helps alot.

4. You don’t have to know what you’re supposed to do. There are no rules written in stone. Just acknowledge what your truth is and try to honor it. There’s nothing that says you have to leave your husband or get a girlfriend. You have to figure out what’s best for you, your lifestyle and a way to be happy in the meanwhile.

5. Just take a moment and imagine if this was your daughter that was going through this. What advice would you give her? Give yourself the same love, patience and understanding.

6. Keep the door open. Keep the conversations going as best you can. Some days for me, I can be pretty honest with my husband, other days I’m utterly confused about my sexuality and what I want. I try my best not to alienate him in the process but it gets harder every day.

This isn’t an easy or simple thing to figure out, but I take solace in knowing that I am not alone and that I deserve to be happy, no matter the outcome. And so do you.

If you have already been through this, please feel free to comment as well. We all need to know from time to time that it does get better and you have been so wonderful in reminding me of that through my process.

Take care and know you are not alone.

Gay Love- an article by The Guardian


Add yours →

  1. I can tell you how I did it: Amid a torrent of tears and sobbing and gut wrenching horribleness. He took it rather calmly, all things considered. For me it was something I couldn’t hide. The Baby Daddy knew me to well, and when I realized that I’m gay, it was so completely consuming for me that there was no way that I could keep it in.

  2. There’s no easy way to tell your husband. Period. I, told mine about a month ago because I, too could no longer lie to him or myself. We’re still working through it but it’s not easy. As my therapist said, there’s no easy road here. Which of the pains (ie staying and lying to myself or leaving and living with the guilt/pain) can you bare? Great post!

  3. Waiting until the middle of the night to work up your nerve, then starting with, “I have something to tell you, and it’s going to hurt your feelings,” was not the best way to go for me. But I couldn’t figure out a good way. It was one of the least planned conversations I had ever had with her. I just knew that I had to tell her. I couldn’t keep acting married to someone of the opposite gender, no matter how much I loved her, in fact, because I loved her.

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