So last night I was at a local hangout with a friend and a few of his friends. It was primarily business, but the dude is pretty cool and seems to really help spark my creativity. I find it amusing that he’s a player who has no idea that, not only am I not interested in him, but I mainly go for the other team. He respects that I’m married, so the boundries are firmly in place, but most players are all dogs, so I kinda keep my distance anyway. Like I said he is pretty cool as long as he keeps his player card in check.
Anyway, he brought a buddy with him who was freshly divorced. The sadness and bitterness oozed from his very being. He didn’t stop talking about his (ex)wife and how long they were married. Apparently she was just unhappy and asked for a divorce. He said no. He said he would have loved her till the day she died. It broke my heart.
I felt like, at that moment, I was looking at my husband. He said that she could have gotten old, ugly, and fat and it wouldn’t have mattered. He made a promise to be by her side. My throat went dry. I stared into my drink as my heart rattled around my chest. Was he channeling my husband? His love was there, unabashedly and she left.
He said she didn’t cheat, she was just tired and unhappy. After they split she lost weight and seemed to be living it up. I can understand it from both sides. He said it would have been easier if she had cheated cause then he could have something to hate and get mad at, but she didn’t. She just left.
It rattles my mind. It shakes me to the very core. How do you leave someone who loves you so much? It’s like turning away Christmas presents maybe? Do you have to say yes just because it’s given to you? Do you have to like it? Why do you feel like such a selfish bastard when you finally realize you want to say “No Thanks?” How come women are so predisposed to try to please others? And some men too. How come I can’t fucking say “No Thank You?” How come every morning he wakes me up in the morning and says “I Love You,” and all I can mutter is “luv you too,” in a sleepy, non-convincing way?
I feel used. He doesn’t really notice or seem to care. I tell him that I feel like that’s all he ever thinks about. He sorta agrees that it is. Is it always in the front of every mans brain or is that an over-statement? How often do men expect to have their desires filled? The worst part about it, is that if I try to pacify him with sex, he just wants it more and talks about it more. The quality, the details etc… it just breaks it down into nothing, just sex. The intimacy is lost. If that’s the case, let’s just be FWB. Why can’t we just be awesome friends and if I’m ever in the need for some good straight sex I could call him up? Actually, I don’t think I’ll be wanting straight sex for a long time… I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of the expectation.
anyway… here’s something to listen to.
This song seems to really strike a chord in me about how I feel right now.
Alex Clare- Too Close