Divorce= FWB?

So last night I was at a local hangout with a friend and a few of his friends. It was primarily business, but the dude is pretty cool and seems to really help spark my creativity. I find it amusing that he’s a player who has no idea that, not only am I not interested in him, but I mainly go for the other team. He respects that I’m married, so the boundries are firmly in place, but most players are all dogs, so I kinda keep my distance anyway. Like I said he is pretty cool as long as he keeps his player card in check.

Anyway, he brought a buddy with him who was freshly divorced. The sadness and bitterness oozed from his very being. He didn’t stop talking about his (ex)wife and how long they were married. Apparently she was just unhappy and asked for a divorce. He said no. He said he would have loved her till the day she died. It broke my heart.
I felt like, at that moment, I was looking at my husband. He said that she could have gotten old, ugly, and fat and it wouldn’t have mattered. He made a promise to be by her side. My throat went dry. I stared into my drink as my heart rattled around my chest. Was he channeling my husband? His love was there, unabashedly and she left.

He said she didn’t cheat, she was just tired and unhappy. After they split she lost weight and seemed to be living it up. I can understand it from both sides. He said it would have been easier if she had cheated cause then he could have something to hate and get mad at, but she didn’t. She just left.

It rattles my mind. It shakes me to the very core. How do you leave someone who loves you so much? It’s like turning away Christmas presents maybe? Do you have to say yes just because it’s given to you? Do you have to like it? Why do you feel like such a selfish bastard when you finally realize you want to say “No Thanks?” How come women are so predisposed to try to please others? And some men too. How come I can’t fucking say “No Thank You?” How come every morning he wakes me up in the morning and says “I Love You,” and all I can mutter is “luv you too,” in a sleepy, non-convincing way?

I feel used. He doesn’t really notice or seem to care. I tell him that I feel like that’s all he ever thinks about. He sorta agrees that it is. Is it always in the front of every mans brain or is that an over-statement? How often do men expect to have their desires filled? The worst part about it, is that if I try to pacify him with sex, he just wants it more and talks about it more. The quality, the details etc… it just breaks it down into nothing, just sex. The intimacy is lost. If that’s the case, let’s just be FWB. Why can’t we just be awesome friends and if I’m ever in the need for some good straight sex I could call him up? Actually, I don’t think I’ll be wanting straight sex for a long time… I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of the expectation.

anyway… here’s something to listen to.

This song seems to really strike a chord in me about how I feel right now.

Alex Clare- Too Close



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  1. First of all I really liked what you have written. I can see that you struggle a lot but I have a few answers that might be helpful(despite it may sound strange)
    1-I think you should be honest with yourself first and learn how to say “no”-if you manage doing that, life would be a bit easier. I know it is easier to say it than actually doing it but the results are always good.
    2-Why don;t you divorce your husband? I saw that you are married and have kids together. if it’s for the kids only, i don’t think it’d be a problem to grow up without their father like before. I believe that growing up in a place in which one of the parents(in that case you) can’t be honest with themselves, which makes some of their acts and words fake.

    • Thank you Alex. I think in some ways you are right but at the same time getting a divorce is not an easy thing to do. I promised him. I take that very seriously.
      I could say no to sex but my life gets even more stressed out when he is a bear. These are all excuses. I know. I have a great deal of worry in my heart right now.
      In time I will figure it out, but not yet. I know it will be someday soon, but not at this moment.

      • My mom divorced my dad when I was 7 so I do know (sort of) how you feel. And yes-this is something serious but if you are not happy he won”t be happy as well. Love sometimes is not supposed to be shared and if your husband(or soon-to-be former) loves you like you claim he does that I think he’d be supportive and let you go. He’d suffer but I think he’d get over it after some time.
        I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

  2. Wilhelmina Upton October 11, 2012 — 3:57 pm

    Love the song!
    Also, I’m someone who actually says no to presents because why not be honest. If I say I like it and the other person doesn’t see me wearing/using whatever they gave me, they know anyway. But then again I’m talking about actual presents here.

  3. Great post and I can’t imagine being in that conversation with the divorcee. It sounds exactly like m situation. My husband will do anything to keep us together and I know he truly loves me. That’s why what I feel is so difficult. Me facing my reality is causing him the biggest pain. However my latest revelation is that I can still love him. It will just be different. As to the “presents”, I love the analogy! Happy thoughts to you for an easy return policy. 🙂

  4. Reblogged this on donnacounselling's Blog and commented:
    We all must stay true to ourselves ,no more lies.

  5. This reminds me of your journey, by one of my favorite poets.

    The Journey

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice —
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do —
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    ~ Mary Oliver ~

  6. Eventually you figure out that you have just as much a right to be happy as he does. And that he picks up on your unhappiness, and it depresses him. Once you convince yourself that the relationship is not benefiting either party (no matter what he thinks), it gets easier, and you hate yourself less.

  7. i don’t know how you feel.
    i’m a Christian and so i disagree with your lifestyle. i don’t mean to sound judgmental, i promise. i’m not one of the homophobic, hypocritical christians. or at least i try not to be.
    but i feel sad for you. i can’t imagine how hard it is for you to feel the way you do. i pity you, it sounds miserable.
    i hope for things to go well for you. i don’t know you, but i will pray for you. maybe that’s weird. but i believe that God is a God of love. i am not here to judge. so i hope the best for you and for God’s will to be done.

    • What ever you do, do not pity me. My life is pretty good and I’m lucky to have all that I have. Save your pity for someone who needs it. I understand your religion dictates how you think, but I appreciate your attempt at forgiving me for my “imperfections.”
      Hon, I’m not here to cry and hope everyone accepts me. It’s ok if you don’t agree with my lifestyle, but if you get married and have been with that person for 10 plus years, you might understand a bit more where I’m coming from.
      I have been holding back for most of my life, and if there was a God, she’d want me to be the person she made, not the person society preaches as perfect. Times change. People change. Even societal rules change. But we will always be who we were born to be.
      Don’t feel sad for me. It’s truly insulting. I’m so lucky and blessed and loved. Most people only dream to be surrounded by so much love. My flaw has been within myself, when I stopped listening to my heart, but now I hear it again. It’s a beautiful thing. One day, you might hear yours too.

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