So I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m so caught up in my busy world that it makes it easy to lose track of who I am and what I want. I can just slide right back into mommy mode, or wife mode or good little worker bee mode. I figure if I keep plugging away I can just live like living fully really doesn’t matter. But it does.
I opened a package from a friend and in it was a gift along with a few other items. It was a book about the challenge of being a lesbian and having the Christian faith. While I am not Christian, it stood out to me like a drop of paint on a blank canvas. I gazed silently at this book, as it permeated nerves I did not know existed. I was left breathless and in awe of this definition of myself I have yet to really come to terms with. I have such anxiety and fear over something so obvious that I even named my blog with this distinction. Even then my cheeks still redden when I acknowledge this self truth. All this time I go on pretending to be OK. To be so accepting of who I am, yet I cower at the notion of it, when confronted. The idea of it, so daunting and enticing at the same time.
Even as I come out to old recently rekindled friends, I dance around my truth, but need to tell it anyway. I fear a whole truth, like saying that I might truly JUST be a lesbian, might be too much for me to bear. I also fear that putting that stamp on my forehead automatically makes me a liar if I ever meet a man I might fall in love with again.
I know you don’t HAVE to define yourself. We are all humans, and our world is a 3 dimensional, full-color-spectrum masterpiece, so why wouldn’t our sexuality be any different? I fear I have more homophobia inside me than there is in my immediate world. I’m so scared to let go of my 2 dimensional world to see what this world has in store for me. I need to come out to myself to really be able to move forward. Because as long as I lie inwardly that everything is ok as it is, the longer I live out in the darkness.
Fear can control our lives if we let it. I cannot let my fears control my life any longer. I have too much inside me to hold back. I need to be free to be who I am and live a decent, happy life. I need to no longer hold on to the fear of labels or who I should be. We are always and only our best when we are being our true selves.
I’m tired. I need a hug.