You are sweating. You have been working like a dog and have not let up in a very long time. The sun is beating down on you and you know the only reprieve is in that ice cold pool where you just barely can keep your head above water. Doggie paddle be damned, you know you want in. You also know that once you take that leap,you realize just moments before you hit the water, that there’s no turning back. Once your body is swallowed by the frigid liquid, it hurts and then goes numb as you launch yourself back up to the waters surface. Then the sensation changes and you start to feel yourself cooling down. Relief has finally found it’s way to you. Every muscle pulls the coolness into the highway of veins and your core finally tells your brain that the system is no longer overheating.
I feel like right now I’m baking in the sun. My life is on fire and I need to jump but am so afraid of that initial shock that I forget what will be on the other side. Perhaps the shock will last longer than expected. Perhaps I will want to bolt the hell out after because it’s too damn cold. We all focus so much on the immediate pain that we forget to look forward into what the reward might be.
It took me forever to get back into the gym. I wanted to work out, but I didn’t want to be sore or tired. I didn’t have the time. I will never have the time. But somehow, I am figuring it out and getting there. I am already seeing some results, but also, it’s getting easier. Not the workouts, but the recovery. I feel better and better each time afterwards. It may be painful and hard, but the rewards are so wonderful, and the more you do it, the better you feel and then you look for more time to do it.
I want to jump so bad. I want to change so many things about my life and with each passing day I can feel the heat get closer. I feel my desire to change pull me in new directions. My fear of change and fear of disappointing others is what is standing in my way.
Today my goal is figuring out what it truly is that I want, and then, where do I go to get there. There is no question of IF I can, because it all has been done before. The question is when. Even if I have to doggie paddle afterwards, I’m going.