12 steps to accepting that you’re gay

I wrote this with the intention to help people who are struggling with their sexual identity. I based it loosely on the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. This list wasn’t written by a professional in the psychological field but I think it represents a good path towards self acceptance and forgiveness.

1. Admit that you are powerless over your attraction towards the same sex. Come to terms with the fact that your world will change in light of this.

2. Find a resource such as a good therapist or friend to help come to terms with your sexuality.

3. Understand and accept that you are responsible only for your actions, not your preferences.

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of your needs and desires.

5. Come out to self, first and foremost and then to friends and family.

6. Forgive yourself for any real and perceived flaws.

7. Forgive and send love to those who cannot come to terms with your “new” self.

8. Understand that not all those that you come out to will be accepting.

9. Come out further on an as-needed-basis to those in your life, past and present.

10. Make direct amends to people wherever possible when you know your truth came too late and in the process, hurt them.

11. Continue to teach acceptance and love through your own actions.

12. Reach out to those who may be going through the same thing or someone affected by a loved one going through the coming out process. Help guide them through the process with love and safety.

About the post

gay issues/ news, Noteworthy, References, Self Discovery


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  1. Loved this so much I had to share it on Twitter. It’s perfect! Thank you. I’m in the heart of #10 right now with my husband. So far it’s the hardest.

  2. This is wonderful, I’m sure it will aid many who are just coming out of the closet – or those who have been out, but haven’t truly accepted their sexuality. (:

  3. I know you and I came up with the basis for this idea, laughingly, together, but actually reading it made me cry and suddenly understand 12 step programs at a level I never have before. Jesus.

  4. what step are you on? hhhmmmmm????
    with you walkin it out… damn it be hard somedays… ***siiiiggghhhh****
    Nice work ladies…

  5. I think that I am gay wat should I do coz this is new to me

    • Are you single? Married? Living in a place that would be scary to come out?? First accept that you at least like the same sex. Figure out how to accept that as it applies to you. Then work on getting support from close friends and family members. Understand that not all people will be ok and forgive them for it. Holding onto anger will do nothing but hold you back. You will be ok. I promise.
      If you have any questions please feel free to email me.

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