Art Chick VS Stepford Wife


really?

When I was around 16 someone once told me I’d be driving a Volvo, toting around a few kids and a dog, like a fucking page out the LL Bean catalog. He said that is what he envisioned as my future. I told him that was the furthest thing from what I wanted in life. Little did I know he was practically forecasting my future with better clairvoyance than Nostradamus. I look at what I have and I guess the Gemini in me is split fully down the middle. One half, a Stepford wife wannabe, is so very thankful and feels such luck to be surrounded by the love of children and a doting husband. She loves the frou frou Christmas trees and family dinners.  The other half, is definitely an art geek, obviously a lesbian, wants nothing to do with this life and is pawing to get away like a cat being given a bath. She wants to travel and live off of her art.

How does a person become so divided? How is it that I fear that either one might take over the other? I feel like I started out as this hippy art chick and ended up a Stepford wife, but how? Where did I get lost along the way? I guess I wanted very much to be normal and find a place where I was accepted. High School certainly wasn’t the place. College was better, but I didn’t go far out of my comfort zone, even when I hung out with my bi friend at the local gay bar. ( I always seemed to have bi or gay friends I didn’t have attractions to.) I lusted after women, but the ones I liked were femme, and I had no gaydar to cull them from the crowd without raising my freak flag. I also must have hid my freak flag a bit too well when hitting up those places. I only remember one time where a lady was outwardly hitting on me and I picked up on it. Plus, they were not “Lesbian bars” which does make a difference, I think. I don’t know. I don’t know the rules or if there are any on who hit on who or what when it came to that sort of thing. I was too naive, stupid, scared and inexperienced to know how to go about finding someone. I didn’t want to give the “wrong impression” whatever the fuck that was.

I had a few brushes with women and one hot night of fun, but I hadn’t yet embraced my desire. I was so afraid of what that might mean. I just didn’t want to be bi and I was so afraid to jump the fence. Even now, I freak at the thought of becoming a lesbian. Like someone is going to hand me a strap on and nail clippers and welcome me to some club where everyone is staring at me. Why am I so fucking homophobic of myself? Art girl is pissed and really fucking horny.

So I dated hot guys, pretended that I was thrilled by their manliness and had decent sex. But it was never great. Until I met my husband. We connected and he seemed very aware of how to keep miss Emo at bay so I decided that he could fulfill me and that any yearning I had for women could be satiated by our very full and spicy sex life. Problem was, while he was good at many things, he still wasn’t a woman. I thought I was just bi, so I could probably get over that. Or so I thought. Anti-Conformity girl wasn’t buying it. It became even more apparent when I was pregnant how much I desired women. It’s like the hormones seemed to amplify what I was already feeling. By my second child, it was all I could do to just keep those feelings at bay.

So then I also have the Stepford wife, who vowed to be with this man till the end of time. I promised to stick it out till the end and I’m not much on backing down from my word. There’s something about the scary perfection in my life that is unsettling. It’s scary because as soon as I pull away any part of it, I feel like it will all fall down. The image would shatter right along with it. No longer would I be the mommy who makes those darling cakes or the sweet wife, but I’d be the homewrecker, the LESBIAN, the heartbreaker…. Who wants that on their life resume? But at the same time, I see the other half of me pouring a drink and waiting for my life to get over and I wonder, is it worth it? Is it worth keeping the title of Happily Ever After over the mantle if it’s not entirely true? Who says ” Live your life and be sorta happy?” or “Give it your almost?” I just want to tell Mrs. Stepford to shove it and that I don’t need that “perfect” life and that it’s not really perfect anyway, but the fear in me keeps me hushed like the questioning child in Sunday school. I know that as soon as I open my mouth and fess up, this glossy gig is over. Then it gets real. Really real. Ugh!

About the post

gay issues/ news, Noteworthy, References, Self Discovery

9 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Once again, it’s like you read my mind. Except without the artsy side, because I definitely don’t have one of those. But I have a wonderful job, a perfect child, and a husband who adores me. Who am I to mess with that?

  2. This is so wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing all of this! I can’t say I’ve been in the exact same place but I felt like coming out was going to shatter my “American Dream”. I had the exact same fear about becoming a lesbian! Word for word, that was my fear. I really do hope you find the perfect balance for you and you can find a way to be happy and less divided.

  3. Also, in the same. exact. boat. Just replace science geek with art geek…Jeesuz, I feel like I’m being torn in two.
    I don’t have children though, which does make things somewhat less complicated.

  4. rather… replace art geek with science geek.
    See? I can’t think straight (excuse the bad pun please).

  5. although under different circumstances, i totally understand the ‘split’. what i’m FINALLY learning for myself is that things aren’t black and white and can’t necessarily packed into neat little boxes. life and everything in it is messy and it’s supposed to be as messy as it is. somehow the more we try to control everything and sort everything so it appears nice, or how we/they think it should be, the more we become split – into who we think we are vs. who we should be vs. who we wish we were vs. who we eventually will be, etc…

    we don’t need to be anything except what we are, and no one needs to be okay with that but ourselves (even though there will be people who will be okay with it anyway). you will never be happy until you can accept yourself for who you are, without the influence of anybody else’s opinions effecting who you are.

    you are wonderful as you are, even if you’re confused. remember that you don’t ever have to fit a particular mold, and trying will only make you feel deeply dissatisfied, which is an awful waste of your awesomeness. xo

  6. I have so many things that I want to say to you here. But I’ll not give advice that’s not asked for or wanted. I think many of us have been through struggles like you are, even if you may feel like no one can understand. I think the comments on this and others of your post show that. So if nothing else, don’t feel weird or alone, hon.

    The only comment I will make beyond offering friendship and support (and admiration for your bravery in showing your turmoil here) is that I wonder a bit how much your conflict is sexual vs. emotional vs. both. That is, you mention here quite a bit about how unfulfilled you are sexually by not being with a woman. I sense the emotional part of it too, and I’m not trying to put you on the spot or make you feel guilty (you have nothing to feel guilty about, btw, you’re just exploring who you are and what you want and need). But how much does your husband fulfill your emotional needs? Do you need a woman for that as well? Or is it primarily sexual? I think as you explore the weighty decisions you’re considering, that’s something else to consider.

    Hope I didn’t come off preachy, that wasn’t my intent. I really just want to help. Good luck hon.

  7. Once again dead on with my life as well. The other day I had said to my therapist, “I’ve turned into something I’d never thought I’d be. I was a strong person and now I’m the typical house wife who goes to yoga and has a therapist. How the HELL did I get here?!” I so get that. I also can understand that everyone else thinks you have the perfect life…on the outside. I can understand that space of emotionally empty yet it didn’t start out that way. It just sort of happens, doesn’t it? Then we’re here in our heads driving ourselves crazy yet we really know…if we’ll admit it. Huge hugs to you!

  8. One day I decided that the truth (and the freedom it brings) was more important than anything else.

  9. Hon, I was right where you are 11 years ago. You are already moving toward yourself. I found when I came out every one else already knew. Even my daughter said “I thought so.” My world crashed for a little while but then it got Much better. If there are people who judge you then they don’t deserve you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: