Rocking the boat


So, I’m slacking a bit… I’m sorry. Sometimes I feel a bit like a fake. I live in this hetero world where life is whizzing by. Days melt into weeks melt into months and then next thing you know another year has passed. Here I  still sit, albeit a bit more honest with myself and my husband, but almost exactly in the same spot as last year. I have yet to even obtain a casual lover, let alone a permitted girlfriend. Time is not on my side in that respect.

I have had brushes with some very lovely ladies, but for different circumstances, they did not blossom into full fledged girlfriend/lover status. Perhaps it’s me. I am fearful of the obvious. If it happens, if I get to experience a relationship with a woman, even on a purely sexual level, I fear it would be all over for me. The ship would sail. I’d be down for the count. Or down for the…ugh… my mind is eternally in the gutter.

The fear is that I would be leaving the stability of someone who does truly love me. Do I stay and try to work an open marriage? Could I have my cake and eat it too? I look into the future and I see a man who who’s willing to be with me till the end. How is that so easily replaced? It’s not. And we have good sex, sometimes even great sex. So would it be better on the other side? Maybe. But finding someone who would invest in knowing me that well… well… It’s easier said than done. I know that the experiences that I’ve had with women deepened my desire for them. So why can’t my brain comprehend that? I hate this part. I hate that I am so afraid to jump. To throw myself out there. I am not a big risk taker coupled with the fact that I’m a people pleaser makes me so nervous about stirring the pot…Yet the voice inside me screams “STIR! DAMMIT STIR!”

I want that soft body next to mine. I want to feel like sex is not an obligation but a celebration of the feelings that I have for that person. I don’t want sex to be something that I’m coerced into, but something I look forward to doing. I want someone who doesn’t just love AT me, but loves me without wishing I’d be different somehow. I want a muse and tickle fest partner. I want to do stupid things and be loved in  spite of them. I want to be encouraged to to take chances even if it means failing. I want to be loud and different and that would be celebrated, not hushed.  I want someone who makes me want to be a better person. To be a better parent. I don’t think that all of those are currently covered, but would they ever be entirely covered with anyone? I’m not sure. I have a great friend in him and I think he would always remain a great friend, but I feel like the depth of our connection halted a long time ago. I have gone deeper with friends. I feel deeper on so many levels and I know that that is out there. I know that I’m pulling further away  but I’m just so damn scared to rock the boat. But I’m so ready to…

 

6 Comments

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  1. Hey “Honey”, thanks for writing this blog. You are really honest about what you feel, and I really like that. When I read your posts – for a brief moment I can feel the depth of your feelings and appreciate it for what it is, and not how it should be. Not some covered up, “tip-of-the-iceberg” version. I like how you can be free here from all the “shoulds” and “ought to’s” imposed upon you every day. Although your reality is somewhat painful (to put simply), it’s actually beautiful in all its imperfections and in being “not okay” 🙂

    Thank you for being the real you. Please email me if you wish.

  2. I’m so glad I found this blog. I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for having the courage to write about this.

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