Finding my way


So I had all this stuff whirling about in my head last night as I took my shower. Today, of course, my brain is as useful as a Republican in a room full of women. I am fighting off an inevitable cold and hoping that my weekend doesn’t end up killing me, as I have way too much stuff to do.

I spent New Years Eve bartending. It’s something I love to do, cause you’re basically making money to socialize. It’s really been the only way I’ve been able to get out of the house without all the hassle of “Where are you going?” “How long are ya gonna be?” etc… I also am not a real big fan of my full-time job right now and I’m ready to run. Perhaps it is all cumulative in my need for change. I want a different life and I guess this side-job is one of my first baby steps. While it is not a lot of money, I relish every night I work there. I truly enjoy working with the other bartenders too. They are some very lovely ladies and one happens to be a lesbian. (She is taken, however, and I’m not there to  be a girlfriend or wife thief.) The other great thing is that this bar is super gay friendly for a podunk town in Texas.

After we cleaned up we headed over to the bar-owners house for a small after hours party. There were very few people who made it. The very hot lesbian musician, who reminded me of a mix of Amy Winehouse and Lady Gaga, did make it there and I was super excited.I got to chat with lesbian boss and the hot musician. It felt so liberating that I could be so out with these people.

I didn’t stay long because the night was already half over. I was beat but uplifted. From the small conversations that I had, I was finding direction. I was processing. I could see my life evolving and moving forward. While I know I am not moving at the speed of most, I am moving. I am putting each foot in front of the other and my vision of the my future is clarifying. No, it doesn’t involve an artsy musician, but it does involve finding my own dreams and reaching them.

It does involve reaching out to other women who have been through what I am going through, so I can see the picture from the other side. I am meeting so many wonderful women who have gone through what I am going through now. They have made it. They are my heroes. I am not as scared as I once was. I am starting to find my way.

7 Comments

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  1. I’m glad you’re starting 2013 in a pretty good place! I hope this will be a good year for you. Have you watched the documentary “Wish me Away” about Chely Wright? I just watched it and really enjoyed it (it’s on Netflix) and I thought I’d recommend it if you haven’t seen it.

  2. From someone who spent years taking minuscule steps, I understand what you mean. Sometimes a step was as small as wearing my Lilith Fair shirt or beading something with rainbow colors or reading, writing and talking. Become ourselves is such a process!

  3. Uh… *becoming*

  4. It is such a relief to be able to spend time with people who know I’m gay. I don’t have to watch my words or movements, or throw out random references to my ex-wife or my kids. There’s a relaxation that is hard to achieve with a straight spouse, and then I used to come home and feel not-at-home, rigidly tense all the time. Enjoy the moments you can, and eventually you’ll feel that comfort all the time.

  5. being authentically YOU is the gateway to freedom and true JOY!
    Babysteps yes…. and maybe now time for a “leap”……???
    Nothing is better than walking hand in hand with a woman living out the essence of whom you really are on the inside and out. I know you know.
    BTW… I bet your a bitchin bartender… !!!

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