For a long time I have held a knot in my throat as my sister has battled with depression. My whole life has been fettered with bouts of anxiety of what Sam will do next. How does one cope with a sibling who cannot step away from the ledge? It’s a life filled with nerve wracked guilt as you pull away so you are not so scarred when she finally falls over. With that distance comes shame and reluctance to connect. She feels it and holds my coldness against me. I watch her as if I were a watching a burning barn filled with horses, you want to rescue them but you know you will get burned and perhaps even get lost in the fire. So you keep your distance and cry at your ineptness while hearing the screams coming from inside.
She has gotten mildly better over the years or, my guess, she just hides her turmoil much better. She still abuses drugs and herself intermittently. Her confidence belies the fact that she is amazingly talented and smart, but she hides herself in real and perceived pains, covered up by a pharmacy of pills, prescribed and otherwise. Her dance with life has been so ominous my family applauds any accomplishment as a leap of faith that she is better or getting better. We have secretly tried to get the show Intervention to help, but she had lived too far to make it a reality. When she moved back near my family, she cleaned herself up enough that we couldn’t accuse her of much because we couldn’t tell what she was doing or when. So she was functioning enough to be ok. Score one for the Getting Better team!
And then she got pregnant… Which she has handled ok I guess. She has only stayed on her doctor prescribed medicine, her fucking cigarettes and pot. Ugh. But wait there’s more and I’m not even going into Baby Daddy backstory. Just today she told me that her blood tests showed signs of cancer. What a kick in the karmatic ass. I cannot handle this much longer and this wasn’t her fault but Jesus! I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I’m worrying too much about it but hell, she’s had me through the ringer so many times…
Perhaps… it will be a gift to her. Hopefully there will be nothing and it will just be a scare. Perhaps it will be enough to make her see how precious her life really is. She will yearn to watch her baby grow and become the wonderful mommy I know she is capable of being. Maybe, just maybe she will find out deeply rooted her feet are in her life and will fight to keep them there. I know it’s a longshot and when someone is bipolar it makes it difficult to find an even middle, but just maybe this lightning bolt will finally go through her unscathed and when the rain and clouds part, the sun will shine brighter, the flowers will smell sweeter and the laughter of her own child will fill her heart in ways she never knew existed. That is my wish for my sister.
- I’m in and I’m out again (keepbeingstrong.wordpress.com)
- Reflections: how you can help me… (lightinthechaos.wordpress.com)
- When Your Friends Do Not Understand Your Mental Health Condition (managingfear.wordpress.com)