He said “Just don’t let her break your heart.”
We were laying in bed together when he said it. I was stunned. I wasn’t planning on letting any one into my heart, let alone break it, I thought. I just want to play right now.
This whole conversation went from flirty/sexy talk to potential future-girlfriend-scenarios way too fast. He could see the writing on the wall and I could hear all his thoughts in his head.
He then went on, “You can’t be that gay,” referring to the intimate moments we were partaking in. My heart sank. Yeah, hon, I probably can be, I thought. Ugh. I really didn’t feel like going on from that point. He was just really trying to reassure himself, but rattled me in the process.
How can you explain the depth of your sexuality to someone who clearly sees their own in one dimension? How can you explain to someone that you are too confused to be able to give them a straight answer? (Pardon the pun.) He asked me why I didn’t have girlfriends before we got married. I told him that the desire was there but I didn’t have much of an opportunity. That fact seemed to scare him quiet for a bit. His mind is quietly reeling and I can feel it.
He knows I have a crush on a girl at work and it seems reciprocal. She’s always wanting to make plans and she’s very flirty with me. I invited her and her hubby to hang out with us and it was very fun. I learned more about her and how young she actually is. I am more than ten years older and light years away in maturity in many aspects, but then she is such a sweet spirit filled with love and positivity. It’s hard not to like her. Not to mention, she’s beautiful. My husband even said he could see why I liked her so much.
I’m not here to wrap my heart in frilly love songs or break my husbands heart. I want so badly to feed this desire I have in a careful way as not to disrupt my life entirely. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is, but I’m gonna try it anyway.
He waits, knowing that one day I could tell him it’s over. And still he waits patiently, hoping that I stay and play it out till the very end. He wants to prove to me how not gay I am. He wants to show me through sex and love that I can be fulfilled by him.
But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I ask myself constantly.
Even if I have a lover, would that be enough?
I feel entirely too greedy for words. How would I feel if the tables were turned? Would I go on pushing, unrequited? Would I support him as he walked away from me and on towards a new life?
It’s all so very heavy, yet I feel so very relieved for the first time in a long time. I’m out and he knows. I’m free to show him this part of myself, fuck the repercussions. I need this.
- Dear Bossip: My Wife Is Bi-Curious & I Love Her & Am Willing To Let Her Explore And Find Herself (bossip.com)
- He’s 53, Gay, Mormon, and Coming to Grips. There is going to be Chaos. (diaryofagaymormonmissionary.com)
- Dear Bossip: My Husband Told Me He Felt He Was Bi-Sexual & Left Me For A Year To Go Try It (bossip.com)
- Sappho Speaks