You can’t be that gay


He said “Just don’t let her break your heart.”

We were laying in bed together when he said it. I was stunned. I wasn’t planning on letting any one into my heart, let alone break it, I thought. I just want to play right now.

This whole conversation went from flirty/sexy talk to potential future-girlfriend-scenarios way too fast. He could see the writing on the wall and I could hear all his thoughts in his head.

He then went on, “You can’t be that gay,” referring to the intimate moments we were partaking in. My heart sank. Yeah, hon, I probably can be, I thought. Ugh. I really didn’t feel like going on from that point. He was just really trying to reassure himself, but rattled me in the process.

How can you explain the depth of your sexuality to someone who clearly sees their own in one dimension? How can you explain to someone that you are too confused to be able to give them a straight answer? (Pardon the pun.) He asked me why I didn’t have girlfriends before we got married. I told him that the desire was there but I didn’t have much of an opportunity. That fact seemed to scare him quiet for a bit. His mind is quietly reeling and I can feel it.

He knows I have a crush on a girl at work and it seems reciprocal. She’s always wanting to make plans and she’s very flirty with me. I invited her and her hubby to hang out with us and it was very fun. I learned more about her and how young she actually is. I am more than ten years older and light years away in maturity in many aspects, but then she is such a sweet spirit filled with love and positivity. It’s  hard not to like her. Not to mention, she’s beautiful. My husband even said he could see why I liked her so much.

I’m not here to wrap my heart in frilly love songs or break my husbands heart. I want so badly to feed this desire I have in a careful way as not to disrupt my life entirely. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is, but I’m gonna try it anyway.

He knows.
He waits, knowing that one day I could tell him it’s over. And still he waits patiently, hoping that I stay and play it out till the very end. He wants to prove to me how not gay I am. He wants to show me through sex and love that I can be fulfilled by him.
But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I ask myself constantly.

Even if I have a lover, would that be enough?

I feel entirely too greedy for words. How would I feel if the tables were turned? Would I go on pushing, unrequited? Would I support him as he walked away from me and on towards a new life?

It’s all so very heavy, yet I feel so very relieved for the first time in a long time. I’m out and he knows. I’m free to show him this part of myself, fuck the repercussions. I need this.

About the post

inspiration, Noteworthy, Self Discovery

7 Comments

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  1. Awe. Some.

    If you figure out how to get what you want without disrupting your life, be sure to write a book about it, because none of the rest of us do. I think that there’s more sunshine out here, even though I’m not out of the dark tunnel yet.

  2. I don’t know if I will ever get out…my husband knows. At least we can oggle the same women.lol

    • It’s easier to be out to friends and my husband, at least then, I am not hiding who I really am. It takes alot to get there. Just know that there is no judgment on how far you are able to get so long as you keep going down the path to your authentic self. Anyone who has traveled that path knows it well and will help you no matter how far or how little you go. Oggle on lady! Oggle on!

  3. You’re pretty damned amazing. This is almost an exact mirror for what I’m going through, except swap artist for writer…but isn’t it sort of the same? I’ve been so utterly confused lately, and searching for a way to turn, feeling as though I’m in a crowded room looking for a small window of truth while everyone ignores me, going about their own lives. Thanks for being a window of truth and writing so openly about what it is you’re going through. It is more inspirational thank you know. Thank you, a thousand times over.

    • Thank you Ava,
      It’s been a long and interesting road. One I am still stumbling down. Just know that there are many more out there like us than you can count. We are not alone. This is something I am just taking one day at a time, figuring out what I should and shouldn’t do. There is no correct answer, just what’s in your heart. Just hold your head up and keep going, the more you move, the more you can move. As Dory from Nemo would say “Just keep swimming!”

  4. You are pretty damned amazing! I feel like this is a mirror into my own life, except you can swap out artist for writer, but then, that’s pretty much the same isn’t it? I’ve been feeling for so long like I’m standing in a crowded room turning all around trying to find a window of truth, and suffocating all the while. Thank you for being a window of truth. This is more inspirational than you know. Just knowing someone else is going through the same thing is so comforting. Thank you a thousand times over.

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