Wow, it’s been one full year since I started this blog! I cannot believe it’s been that long. I knew it had to be close. It’s amazing what happens in just one year. There were so many changes that have occurred, so many losses and so many new doors opening. You cannot curse time because with each loss, it makes room for some future gain and I have accumulated so many new gains that were completely unforeseen from last years stance. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such loving supportive people including you, my fellow readers, bloggers, and friends.When you open your heart, it is amazing what comes pouring in.
Last year I was so afraid to be true to myself and feared my husbands response and now I have learned to take things as they come. There is no greater step than a baby step because soon they become great strides. I have less fear to be true to myself and that has taken a long time to accomplish and I am still struggling each day. I have not come out to my family and I’m not sure if I ever will should I stay with my husband, but if I did leave, I think it would be easier to just come clean. Closets get pretty small pretty fast when you’re always in it.
We fear ourselves sometimes more than the world around us. We fear who we might be when no one is looking, but even more so when they are looking. No one wants to be caught in a less than positive light, so we paint ourselves up and hope to hell everyone loves us, cause it’s easier that way. The truth is, as I’ve learned, that the ones you truly care for, will love you for the person you are deep down inside, not the for facade you put on. If they don’t, they haven’t earned a spot in your heart, as far as I’m concerned. I also have learned to be as open as I possibly can be about who I am. It is a lesson I stole from myself from when I was a little kid. I danced how ever I wanted, wore whatever I wanted and acted like myself with little worry of what others thought. It was liberating. As I grew up I started to learn the rules of getting accepted by society, and while most are ok, the one where you lose yourself in what other people think, is not. So I have tried to rewire my brain to not care so much. I didn’t say “not care at all,” cause you have to care, but it doesn’t mean you you have to give yourself up either.
Truth is, we all are growing every day. Learning who we are, what we want while life constantly evolves around us. You can lose a loved one or welcome a new one into your world at any moment. The next person who walks into your life may change it for ever. The point is, we don’t know. What I learned this year is that living your life as authentically you as you can, is the only way you will be authentically happy. You cannot rely on anyone else to bring you happiness or give you acceptance, it must come from within. I am moving towards my truth every day. I learn as I go and I make mistakes, but the one thing I know is that as long as I try to be the best that I can and honor who I am inside, I will be happy, no matter where my path leads me this next year.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it finds you well as you walk your own path.
- Hiding in Closets (goplayintraffic.wordpress.com)
- Do you dare to dream? (dreambigmagazine.com)
- A Poem On Awakening (yinyangyogis.wordpress.com)
- Fear revisited, conversations with the EGO (earthtalker.wordpress.com)
- Fear to Purpose: My Restoration Movement (wileyschmidt.wordpress.com)
- On Being 30 – Looking Back and Changing Expectations (mcfeinics.wordpress.com)