I am in mourning over the tragedy that hit a city that I love dearly. I am in mourning over the loss of a close family member who took his life on Sunday. I am reeling at the death of a cousin who was claimed by preventable cervical cancer. All of these things, striking within a few months time. It is scary to see death wave it’s daunting hand so close and feel it’s breeze wash over your face. There is little to be done in those three instances. I cannot turn back the clock and undo what has been done. I must just move forward.
Life is an essence that we pull from daily. It fills the grass we walk on and runs the motor in the purring kitten in our lap. It swirls through us, electrified and so very real, yet you cannot see it, touch it, taste it or breathe it in. You just exist in it. And then one day, the candle is blown out. The fire is gone. The motor stops.
What do you fill your life with? I try to fill mine with beauty and love. I try to breathe in the smell of freshly mown grass, allergies be damned. I try to look at the world through my children’s eyes. I want to embrace it’s beauty and never forget to appreciate what a gift every day truly is. I cook food that is worth savoring, as if tomorrow might be my last. I hug my children every night and tell them I love them. I never let a moment escape me where I will let those I love, know how much they are worth to me. I do not want to leave this world with out making sure my life was worth the time. I want to pass each day feeling as if I made the world better in some way, for having been a part of it.
I know that my cousin is finally at peace and no longer in pain, so I cannot be angry or sad in her passing. Just hopeful that she got to live a life that filled her to the brim with happiness and love. William took his life on Saturday night for reasons that seemed inexcusably material. Perhaps he was just done with this life and needed to move on and start over. Perhaps he couldn’t learn what he needed to here. Hopefully he finds solace in his afterlife and realizes that door he took was completely unnecessary. Fortunately, we both don’t believe in fiery brimstone shit as a result of a suicide. I think it’s more of a wash. They just didn’t learn what they were supposed to, so they can’t move on to a higher place until they do.
As for Boston, even through the smoke and shrapnel, the thing I found so lovely was that an amazing amount of people came in and helped those who were harmed. It was if a collective of souls became Gods arms and held them close to protect and comfort them. That is as close to religious as I will ever get, but I felt it that day and that feeling has been emanating ever since then. I think when good energy balls up, it truly does over power the bad. They may have done an awful thing to a crowd of finish-line winners and cheering spectators, but they could not win because the positivity superseded their malicious intentions. I know that many people have been incredibly injured, but hopefully as they begin to heal, they find peace within the widespread love that held them close in the moments after the explosion. I hope they find forgiveness too. To hold on to anger keeps all wounds from completely healing.
Love is, after all, the balm for anything that ails us. The hard part is finding it within ourselves when we are lost and when we lose loved ones. Is it easier to languish in self pity or “what if’s” when really all of it is a self imposed punishment? Perhaps survivors guilt? I find that living fully is the only way to truly honor life. It sometimes is very difficult to live a completely honest and humble life. Both ego and love make it harder to navigate, but if you are able to, it is the life worth living. When it ends, when you reach the shores of the afterlife, you will turn back to those rough seas and know it was all worth it.