Homebound


I am flying back to my life in Texas. It’s hard to go back when all of my family is in New England. Sometimes I feel like I’m close to my in-laws but most of the time I squeeze in more than fit in. My family is incredibly supportive and giving while my in-laws tend to reserve that for emergency use only. For example, if we wanted to go on a vacation together, we would have to practically beg his family to take our kids. Whereas my family (mom, sister, aunts uncles etc…) would keep my kids for the weekend without fail. I miss being in New England. I miss my family and beautiful countryside. I miss the food, the coffee, the wicked smaht people and the smaht asses too. It’s so very gay friendly that I forget to hold back in front of my mom sometimes. The women are beautiful and don’t mind showing cleavage.

So i think about what it would be like to move back home. I wonder if I could actually be as “out” as I am so close to my family. The scary part is that my mom is very homophobic and would have an easier time if I told her I was leaving my husband for another man than if I said I was just gay and wanted to be free to be myself, alone. I don’t think that she could wrap her head around that. I think she would judge me harshly, questioning my ability to parent whilst exploring my gayness. Could/ Should I bring along the hubby to help me with the “transition” and then trap him here? Ugh. Cause that’s what it would be, a trap. I just hate that my mother is so far from my kids especially after my sister had her miscarriage. I feel at odds right now. In one hand I love her and New England but at the same time I really am finding a certain amount of freedom in Texas that I never knew existed. I could certainly move to Austin and live a pretty out and proud lifestyle if I went that way. I could also stay on this open marriage path and see where it takes me. (I’m already on it, so I’ll stay on it for a bit.) But then what? What do you do when you have such strong forces pulling you in two different directions? Go in a third direction?

He tells me how lucky he is EVERY DAY. He tells me that he loves me and that I am so beautiful EVERY DAY. Who walks away from that? It’s nearly impossible to imagine someone like that could happen along again. Not without some sort of crazy baggage. So I’m here on this soaring sled, flying home to someone who gives me more than I can return. My heart is still in Boston, trying to decide to get on the plane with me. Someone please tell it that the plane has already left.

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Coming Out Stories, Life, Self Discovery

3 Comments

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  1. Can you not envision a future where you separate from your husband and get custody of your children? It’s not like a lesbian life is incompatible with raising kids, and if you move back to New England, you could ask your family to watch the girls when you go out.

    • I could envision a life there, but it would be harder to be “out” because of how my mother reacts to anything lesbian. Its as if she swallowed something very bitter at the mention of “gay.”
      On the flip side, I’d hate to pull my children that far away from their dad.
      Thinking about any of that just puts a lump in my throat.

      • I know it’s hard. I just wanted to remind you that you don’t have to lose your children (you sometimes imply that leaving your husband means leaving them too, that he would thrust you onto the street naked and you’d have absolutely nothing from the life you have now except your appetite).

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