Honey, the Intolerable


Just as the stars follow the sun another cycle of attitude and animosity begins again at my house. I am pretty unbiased, as it is my particular Gemini nature as opposed to being double sided. I tend to naturally see both sides however, it gets harder when it’s introspective. He cannot let go of me. His fear of losing me has deepened yet I am not sure of what exactly set it off. Perhaps our drained bank account or my need to work to fill it back up. I am not sure but as the days progress, his insecurities mount. I worked at the bar on Thursday, which helped us tremendously, and I got home quickly after my shift. The following day I worked from home and he had me all night but on Saturday I was off again to work pulling in some much needed OT. I got home at 5 and took the kids for a swim, trying to alleviate all thier stored up energy, so when I left later on that evening to hang out with a friend I hadn’t seen in ages, they would be tired and not so much work for him. When I went to leave I kissed my girls goodbye and as I was leaving one had asked “why do you have a bathing suit?” I responded “Because we may swim in her friends pool.” My husband then chimes in,” There aren’t gonna be any guys there, right?”
Really? WTF? His attitude progressively had gotten worse as the time approached for me to leave. As I was getting ready, yet still didn’t even have makeup on yet he says, “What are you getting all dressed up for?” I was wearing jeans and a nice top with sandals, not exactly a slutting-around outfit.  The only time I had gone out (not working at the bar) with anyone in the past month was when my mom took me out for my birthday. Not quite a club hopper am I. So I was getting pretty pissed at his pissy attitude. I am always giving him the free pass to go fishing or whatever just about whenever he wants to, but if I venture out of the house alone, he assumes that I’m just looking for another dick to hop onto. Oh, the irony.
Even more ironic is the fact that he constantly asks me about finding a girlfriend. That’s funny, I thought you had to actually leave your house to meet people…
I c98e6f5a668003dba268f8d449c798140an tolerate a lot of things, but hinting at unfaithfulness when I have been nothing but honest and can recount my night verbatim without any shame is just beyond reproach. I cannot be treated like I am a disappointment all the time. I refuse to have sex just to shut you the hell up, I refuse to stay home, just to make you tolerable and I refuse to be anything but myself, because that is the only thing I know.
I don’t want to wonder when I am lying on my deathbed, if I did the right thing. I do love him, but I’m not sure if it’s strong enough to keep going. He tells me he loves me, and I feel like I am forcing my return on him like a bad tennis serve. Ditto.
Harder still is my fear of being alone. I fear losing his love too, because he does give himself to me more than most people ever dream they could get from a person, and that is rare. So to just toss it is like throwing out a diamond, but the weight of it may be too much.

I went out with my friend and a few of her lady friends, We danced. I watched the hot twenty somethings push their bodies close and I felt my own body respond. I felt the desire rise in me again. For the longest time, I had been feeling very asexual. My desire to have sex had been waning and then here are these beautiful, friendly young women gyrating to the music and I cannot take my eyes off of them. It reminds me once more of what I desire.
Want Vs. Need… Do I really need this? I don’t know. I have only ever been attracted to one other man in my life, the rest barely made my body lukewarm. Women, on the other hand, make me respond as if I had hot pulsing lava flowing through my body, making my hips ache. I can get hot with men, but it takes a lot of work and effort on his part and a great imagination on mine.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck…
Can I just get a redo? Can’t I just start backpacking through the french Alps and meet some beautiful lesbian who wants to do her own damn thing and from time to time we devote ourselves to each other on some remote island, exploring each other’s bodies, sharing stories of our adventures and perhaps go on a few together. No tv watching or chore lists. I get to create beautiful paintings that I sell along the way to pay for the next leg of the journey. Maybe then I chill out next to a great little city like Providence where if I want to go out, I can and no one is at the door at 3 am tapping their watch, because I know what the hell time it is and I purposely stayed out that late. I might even want to stay up all night so I can catch the morning sun…
Responsibility says no, but my heart says that nothing is impossible. I am at odds today… He will probably apologize for being a dick and I will apologize for always running so late (which is something I do do) and the the cycle will do what it does and I will be back in a month bitching again… ugh. I know nothing is perfect, but is this normal? Am I just settling? I was told a while back that I am too good for him and while I don’t think that is the truth, I do think we are truly mismatched in so many ways, including my sexuality… I need to find balance. Is it with him? Is he the Yang to my Yin? Fuck if I know. I’m feeling very defeated right now…

 

 

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  1. I may be way off here, but I think if you are having such strong feelings about it, it is time to go. I can’t imagine being with a man, but then again, I have known I was a lesbian since high school. It may sound callous or cruel (and I’m not meaning to come off that way), but if you are a lesbian, you need to go. Now. Find the love of your life. If your have to ask if someone is the yin to your yang, they are not.

    Contrary to popular belief, love should not be hard! Will you have your challenges with whomever you are with? Of course. But you should never have to feel like maybe you are missing out on something or feel like maybe you shouldn’t be with them. If you are feeling that way, then you shouldn’t be with them. As someone who’s had a really bad relationship, and now a really great one, I can see the light! In my last one, I was always saying “is this right?” “does she love me?” “do I still love her?” We fought a lot and it was more heartache than kittens and roses. It’s not worth the stress! I have now been with my wife for 9 years and I have never even thought about breaking up. Love with her is easy – just as it’s supposed to be.

    I’ll stop going on and on now. I hope you don’t take this comment the wrong way. I wish you the best in your journey. You just need to do what is in your heart.

    • The thing is, it’s easy to be his friend but when it comes to being his wife, it becomes a pain in the ass. Thank you for your opinion and as you know it is easier said than done… ugh

      • Yes, much easier said than done. Don’t you deserve more though?

      • I think I do, but that requires tearing down this giant house of cards I’ve built… and that is terrifying. Perhaps if I wasn’t so afraid of dissapointing EVERYONE, including myself. I don’t know. I’m torn. I’m worn out. I wish I could meet a person who would help me figure this shit out.

      • 😦 I can see why it would be terrifying. I wish you the best in this.

        Sooner or later it will work itself out – no matter how cliche that is to say, I think it’s true. Have faith 🙂

  2. Exactly. You always say it so perfectly.

  3. Dearest Honey… Another great share! I must say… deep deep down. You know exactly what you want and what will be the essence to your truth. Yes it is all so scary and hard… fuck in the trenches now. But…. yes a but, i am getting closer and closer to true JOY…. You can find yours too.
    And perhaps you have already met a person who hepled you figure it out 😉 Or many many peeps. Maybe it is you just don’t want to ACT on what you know? It is OK to keep on taking baby steps, but you gotta gotta keep steppin forward!
    You are truly truly a catch and a wonderful soul. Go get em my Gemini pal…

  4. It was a little easier for me because my ex was not understanding, and she really didn’t like having sex with me. If my only sex life was going to be imaginary, I could imagine it any way I wanted to.

    I just want to repeat that you’re a good person and the best judge of what you should do.

    Hug.

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