Waiting for another tomorrow


He sighs as he has been asked to bring the kids to the local pool. They were ecstatic that their aunt was going to bring them but she bailed out at the last minute. I offer to take them but he gruffly replies “you have to work.” And then adds, “is it a fend for yourself night again?”
It wasn’t one last night, nor the night before but apparently if I don’t cook, no one is going to, barr the five year old if given the chance. As a friend put it, I have three children, just so happens that I married the third.
I don’t want anything from anyone right now, except what I am owed. I feel like I have been working hard in so many areas of my life and seeing little returns, with the exception of my children and my personal art. They are pretty much the only ones who will pour it back without stipulations. My husband however, only seems to see my love in the form of exactly how much nookie I put forth and the kind of effort behind it. Well, I can handle great sex even if it is straight sex, but what I can’t handle is constant expectation especially if I’m not getting any help. He thinks that taking a trip to the pool is him “helping” while I do the dishes, get dinner ready and finish working. I, on the other hand, see it as being a father. Plus, I’d love to go swim instead of do all the chores AND work. Not to mention the fact that he was miffed that he even HAD to go. So sorry you have to hang out with your kids… But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bitch but I’m just frustrated. He asks me if I love him and I say yes but I feel deceitful. I love him when he LOVES me. When his eyes are clear and not full of testosterone. I love him when he wrestles with the kids instead of being the bear he can often times be. I love him when gives me space and freedom to express myself. It’s strange to only love parts of a person. I don’t love his flaws but I do accept them as he accepts mine. I just don’t know if they are what keeps me from loving him as much as I should. I remember the day my heart changed about him. I can’t tell the story as I don’t want to paint him as a bad person because he is not, but sufficed to say, it made me rethink my love for him.
I wonder what my life would be like if we were separated. I wonder if it would be hard to go my own way or would it be like my mini vacations, not missing any part of my life while I am away. I have a hard time calling or even checking in. I don’t want to feel guilty for enjoying life or going out. I guess it would probably be better in many ways and so very lonely in others.
Thanks for listening as I ramble my thoughts. I have to go now. Dinner needs to finished, along with the dishes and my work. Maybe my fun will come tomorrow.

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Self Discovery

4 Comments

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  1. Honey you are way past due leaving. Been exactly where you are. It is incredible on the other side. Take the leap.

  2. My heart breaks for you. I don’t think there are any easy answers. It will be hard if you stay and if you go. The only thing I can say is that even though it would be hard to leave, it would get better and you can find happiness again, whereas if you stay, it will probably only continue to be hard. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Whatever you choose in the end, we are all pulling for you.

  3. No, getting separated is different. When you go on a minibreak, you know that you’re coming home soon. When you get separated, there is no home to come back to. The person who has been the most important constant in your life suddenly hates you. Even if you don’t want to be with him anymore, his rejection is going to hurt. A lot. If you don’t take your girls with you, then you won’t know when or how often you can see them, and you’ll worry about what their lives are like with him. It does get better, but it will be the most difficult thing that you do. And I think that eventually you will have to do it.

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