Admitted


ad·mit   (v.) v.tr.1. To permit to enter: A crack in the wall admitted some light.
2. To provide the right or a means of entrance to: A ticket that admits the whole group.
3. To permit to exercise the rights, functions, or privileges of: was admitted to the bar association.
4. To have room for; accommodate.
5. To afford opportunity for; permit: We must admit no delay in the proceedings.
6. To grant to be real, valid, or true; acknowledge: admit the truth. See Synonyms at acknowledge.
7. To grant as true or valid, as for the sake of argument; concede.
v.intr.
1. To afford possibility: a problem that admits of no solution.
2. To allow entrance; afford access: a door admitting to the hall.
3. To make acknowledgment.

conformity

I have gone through a metamorphosis of sorts this past year, admitting who I am to myself and to others. It takes a lot to give yourself the permission to move forward in your own truth and be able to accept the inner wierdo you are so very afraid of show the world. Funny thing is, everyone has an inner wierdo. Some people have phobias, while others are hoarders, while still others battle a depression that permeates them down to their DNA.  There’s so much shame in being “not normal” yet most every person has some kind of “abnormality” admittedly or not. I know this because I know people. I have not met one person who doesn’t have some sort of skeleton in their psychological closet. And it’s okay. I get it. I know I have a few, oh yeah that and I’m a partially closeted lesbian living in an utterly hetero world. Yet I still feel more normal because I have admitted that this is who I am. I cannot and will not change who I am attracted to, to afford other people more happiness than myself.  I can accept at times that I do get depressed and know that the cycle will return to the bright side after a while. I know that the people that I hold dearest to my heart also have their own inner struggles and sometimes do admit to their own demons and other times they hide who they are to look strong. Usually though, when you hide yourself that is when you lose yourself even deeper into the abyss of depression.

To accommodate who you are you must love yourself, flaws and all. You would never tell your child or best friend, “You are wonderful except for that mole on your inner arm or I’ll love you more if you lost 30 pounds.” “I cannot love you because your gay…” No way. You wouldn’t do it, so why do we do these things to ourselves? To admit is to afford opportunity for something. To permit yourself to accept who you are and give yourself the love that you deserve. It’s hard for me to stand up for what I want because alot of the times it is in direct opposition to what my husband wants or what my family thinks I should do. I am a people pleaser, all people that is, except me. So lieu of going out I find jobs that I like that keep me out. I hide behind work and volunteering instead of dealing with what is before me. To admit that my life isn’t what I want it to be.
At least I am acknowledging it and trying to move forward from here, but it takes more than a nod to admit something is wrong.

My sister was admitted into a mental health facility yesterday. Fortunately, she hadn’t done anything to harm herself yet, but she eluded to feelings of suicide. The operator opted to have her picked up, instead of giving her time to set up an appointment with her therapist. She was upset at their responsiveness as she just wanted to be seen sooner rather than later. She got sooner, but not in the way she was expecting. While she may not have tried to kill herself that night, she was on a downward spiral. Had they not picked her up, perhaps today could have been her last. It is a step forward for her in that she is finally admitting that her depression is hampering her life and suffocating her. She still she couldn’t give in and fully admit how very bad she was feeling. As we used to say, she was F.I.N.E. (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Enabled)  So with that, she has a few more days of observation before she can assume her F.I.N.E. status.

It will eat you up, this depression thing. It will eat you up if you sit in it too long and let it fester. Knowing where you are and acknowledging that it is unhealthy is a great stride in moving forward. An even bigger stride is when you get up and speak for yourself. No one will speak in a truer voice and have nearly as much understanding of your own situation as you will. You are the herald for your own life. It’s taken me more than three decades to figure that shit out. Being outspoken and speaking out for yourself are two different things entirely.

We all have our moments of glory and can be completely honest in those moments of truth and perfection, but those moments are the glitter in our reality. The sun hits them because they are the brightest moments, so we hold them close to our hearts. We cannot compare our entire lives to just the epic moments, it would be like looking at the stars and only seeing them for what they are at the moment and not taking in to consideration all the unstability they had to endure to become stars. We are not just the glorious moments, we are a compilation of all that we achieved, both good and bad and loving ourselves entirely for it.

Admission is free…

2 Comments

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  1. How is your sister doing? And does she have friends and family along with yourself who can support her?

    • Oh thank you for asking. She’s dong much better now. She has been with a guy for quite a few months now and I guess he’s been really stepping up as far as helping her and supporting her. She’s hard to talk to so its hard for me to really give a good answer.

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