Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
I love you. I have loved you like no other has before. You showed me a love in return that fills my heart in so many ways. I hate that my eyes wander and I feel lost sometimes. I hate that my body yearns for things you want to give me but cannot. I know that you love me and you want nothing for me to be happy but I also know that you resent the fact that there is a part of me that you cannot be a part of.
The thing is… There are many parts of me that are mine alone. I am sorry if this hurts you. I think men and women are different in this way. I cannot be just yours. I cannot revolve my life entirely around you and with how I feel, it cannot change just because I love you. It’s deeper than that. It’s an integral part of who I am. Changing who I am does nothing to help you but only furthers us from real love and understanding. You do not want to love the shadow of who I am as much as I want to pretend to be something I am not. It will only rob us both of a genuine love based on truth. I love you deep down because you are so real and raw with me. There is no facade. I want to give you the same but I can’t. You deserve the same. If it tears at the foundation of who we are, so be it. We are strong and will find our ways together and also internally struggle as well but that is what makes us human. That is what makes us real. I know that in the end, married or not, I have a friend and a partner in you. You are someone I will eternally love and trust because you do not hold me with a clenched fist. You keep me with an open heart and that is probably the biggest reason why I haven’t left yet.
We have our issues, but they are just part of the whole picture. Half of me thinks I can somehow make it all work

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Coming Out Stories, Noteworthy, Self Discovery


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  1. I keep reading this over and over. Heartbreaking.

  2. After being away from my ex and seeing how she handled my coming out and our divorce, I’ve realized that I was never really in love with her, but only with the person I imagined that she was. I think the same was true of her; she had this idealized version of me in her head that I never quite lived up to. Thinking about our past in this way has helped me to forgive myself for what’s happened since.

  3. Are you out to your husband or anyone else yet? I just found your blog, and can’t really tell by clicking around on your archive.

    • Yes, he knows that I am bi. I am strongly attracted to women yet we still have a pretty healthy sex life. All my close friends know but none of my family. They live far away so it’s really a non point with them.

      • Well, the health of your sex life isn’t the only indicator of your sexual orientation. Neither is the ability to live together, parent together, be best friends, or be honest with each other. All of that stuff just means that you can do the right thing when you want to/have to. What are you so “strongly attracted to” in women? Just the thought of sex/friendship with them? (I saw your FWB post.) Gays and lesbians yearn for a physical/emotional/intimacy-based future with a person of the same sex. Nothing other than that will ever feel normal, or enable them to build a healthy, functioning self-image, adult relationship or family.

      • I don’t know what it is that I am solely attracted to. Perhaps women have more depth and insight than men. Perhaps it’s their soft skin and understanding of a women’s body in no way a man could understand. I am not interested in wife or a partner so much as a friend, not because I don’t want commitment but because I want freedom to do stuff without having to answer to another person. I can be totally loyal and faithful to a fault but I need lots of space to be myself. My husband does not understand this. He thinks I just don’t like being home, which sometimes is the case, but mostly I like to do my own thing. I don’t know if a woman would understand that any better than a man. I’m assuming it would probably be the same. I want to be fulfilled by someone who is willing to listen, willing to hold me tight but also willing to let go. I don’t know if I’m definitively a lesbian, but I do know I am attracted to women more times than men. Over the lifetime of my marriage I can count on one hand the number of men that made me feel nervous and flirty, whereas I couldn’t even tell you the number of women I have found myself attracted to.

  4. Honey: If you found a man who had “depth and insight,” who took the time to “understand your body,” who gave you “freedom to do stuff” and “lots of space to be yourself,” and who was “willing listen … hold you tight … and let you go” — would that be enough? Because none of those things are inherent only to women.

    I think it’s interesting that you describe what makes you “queer” in terms of what you want/get/need from your PARTNER. Because, as someone who is 110 percent queer, I know that it’s MY capacities that matter first. I couldn’t form anything other than a friendship or an NSA sex-only encounter with a straight man or a straight WOMAN — no matter how deep, insightful, and freedom-encouraging they were. Even if I also found them physically attractive. Because I can only fall in love and be physically/emotionally/spiritually attracted to gay women, gay men, and trans men.

    Maybe you should figure out who YOU are and what YOU need. If you are capable of being attracted to men (as well as women) — what’s wrong with the one you have? If you’re only capable of being attracted to women — what do you hope to accomplish by staying in you marriage?

    • Ok, first I appreciate your concern but I’m kinda offended by all your judging. JS. I’m not sure where I lie on the “queer” scale but I do know that I love my husband and don’t want to just give it all up. I AM trying to figure it all out. What do you think this blog is about? I’m so happy for you that everything is so cut and dry for you, but it isn’t for me. So I will take my time and figure my stuff out. In my time, no one else’s. I hope you see that. I have no need to explain myself.

      • I apologize for offending you, and for sounding judgmental. I sincerely was asking the questions gently — although I know that’s hard to convey in writing. It wasn’t cut and dried for me at all; my het marriage and my coming out of it was exceedingly messy, expensive, and painful for me, my exH, my children, my parents, and eventually my future wife. Of course — everyone can only become self-aware at their own pace; I intended only to give you some points to ponder.

  5. It sounds like you need to be seen by your partner and you don’t feel like you are. We need to feel seen in order to open our hearts to love. It’s just not possible any other way. Quite psychological right?

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