Ugh


I feel really alone right now. A face in a sea of faces. I need to talk yet I’m falling inward. Our house is a mess. I try to maintain order, but that’s akin to hosting a tea party in the midst of a hurricane. My children are craving attention from a dad who’s only half there. They frazzle my nerves with the regularity and din of a metro train. I feel attacked when our home is a mess yet get little help. When I leave to go grocery shopping or to go to a school function it is considered being “out all night.” I’m tired. I’m pissed. I feel neglected. I feel used. The only things that fill me up right now are the volunteer things I do. No one asks me, but when I’m done, I feel appreciated. I feel as if I truly did make a difference.
At home I know I matter to my girls. They only want my help, not their dads. But that’s sad to me. It’s disappointing. I’m disappointed. I feel like I’m working a garden someone else is inadvertently poisoning. I’m drained.

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Life, Self Discovery

5 Comments

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  1. hejhej! Head up! you can change your reality, your thinking, you can tidy what you want. I know, sometimes our perception is ugly, so we must wear pink (i hate pink but whatever) glasses and we just have to do wgat we should. Please, sit down, drink tea and think of me- i live in Poland, terrible place for young people, especially for lesbian- lack of prospects to job, to life. I graduate study for year and i’ve not idea what i’ll do, so I sit down, drink tea and i try to think positive about future. But trust me- it’s very damn hard. Oh, and sorry for my english.

    • Thank you for the kind words. Your English is fine. I think i am just in a funk. Life and attitude can bring you down even when you don’t want to be. I’m sorry for your situation. I had a friend from Poland and I understand that it is very traditional. I hope you find a way to truly be yourself. Thank you again for being so sweet.

  2. I’m sorry it’s so rough for you right now! I wish we could go out for a drink and commiserate! Hang in there.

  3. I like your blog. It takes so much courage but I’m glad you are finding connection. That’s apart of this journey and necessary to heal, in my opinion. I wanted to point you to biwifelife which is a blog about women who seek relationships with women while married to their husbands and the ways they navigate this. It’s a very positive resource for people and has gotten quite a lot of followers. Additionally, check out this book that I think you might like, if you haven’t read her stuff already….it’s called Living with Uncertainty by Pema Chodrom. Also check out Brene Brown’s books too about shame and vulnerability. Truly amazing stuff about healing the soul. They’ve helped me quite a bit to turn inward and really understand me and cope with this transition of discovering our love for women. Also, while the need for a label is, in my opinion, more of a social necessity than a personal one (maybe you get this distinction that we aren’t what society says but need to abide by society’s need to categorize to adapt to our environment), I still always arrive at this place of nonexclusivity. It’s like being fluid is so unique to each and every one of us and there’s no right or wrong way to experience what we experience. Love and sexuality are so complex, that while I can admit I’m a bisexual leaning lesbian at this time in my life, I wasn’t feeling that way five years ago and don’t know how I’ll be feeling five years from now. My preference for women remains constant. But there is a lot of ebb and flow and not fitting neatly into any box or between the lines, if you will. Here with you on your journey. Thanks for all you do:)

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