I am your drug


My heart is in my throat. We had a big blow out last night. He mentioned sex and various things he wants me to do and I just had it. No completely straight woman would put up with this but here I was just placating him with my body. He was complaining about how stingy I am in bed. I was fuming. I jumped up out of bed screaming “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!” I left the room. The couch seemed more inviting than this.

I cried. I said “I feel like I am your drug.”

He replied “You are.”

That’s all I am. His drug of choice. Fucking hilarious.

He then went on about how he loves me, but having sex with me is the only bright thing in his day. It’s the ONLY thing he looks forward to.

“Sad, huh?” He asks.

“Yes,” I thought, “It is sad.” There is so much out there to fill his life with and all he ever thinks about is sex. Oh, the fucking irony.

I laid there, silent tears streaming down my face. I don’t hate sex. I don’t hate sex with him, but I don’t want to be expected to perform on command like some hooker. He wasn’t getting it.

He asked why his feelings weren’t valid. I told him that they were as valid as my own, but we both have to be complicit during sex…It doesn’t work any other way, without hurting someone.

We both laid in silence. He rolled away with his back to me. The Cold Shoulder. I get it almost every time I say no after he paws at me to no avail. He turned back momentarily to apologize for wanting it so much and hurting my feelings. I said thank you. He rolled back and fell asleep.

I was wide awake. Extremely tired, yet wide awake. My mind was reeling.

Do I really want to go on being his drug? I am his sole source of happiness and it’s pulling me down his rabbit hole. I definitely don’t want it to go one like this. I can handle a lot of stuff, but I am not here to placate someone else. I don’t even have a handle on taking care of myself, how the fuck am I supposed support someone else’s happiness? I can’t.

So there it is. I’m depressed. I was sick but now it’s just fucking depression. I was just finally lifting myself up and getting back in the groove, going to Yoga and running… I just gotta keep my head up right? Ugh.

Sometimes you just want to hide. Not explain yourself to anyone. Just crawl under a rock and hide so no one can make you do shit for them. So you can lick your wounds and figure out what to do next. It is easier to hide from all the crap that people throw at you when you’re already in your own personal shitstorm. The problem is that when I face it, my arsenal is low. I don’t hang on to baggage like most, so I rarely have anything to hit them with. I let go too fast, so I don’t feel it in the moment. I don’t hold on to pain, I give it away almost as soon as it comes to me. I lick my wounds and move on.  It sounds great in theory, but it makes it easy to forget why you are so depressed. When you live so much in the moment that you cannot bear to step forward and acknowledge pain. You forget to embrace it. Pain is what keeps your hand a safe distance from fire.  My hand has little memory of the burn.

Perhaps this burn will spark something more. It hurts. I can feel it fade though. Will I remember my pain in a week? A month?

I hope so. I hope I hold onto this pain, at least for a little while. I need to feel something.

This has some pretty interesting info on hypersexuality… http://psychcentral.com/lib/hypersexuality-symptoms-of-sexual-addiction/00011488

 

 

13 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Dear Dear friend… you have the power within yourself to stand-up and create change. It is time…. my heart and thoughts are with you!

  2. Almost ex insulted my former larger self in the middle of “it” Last Nov. I jumped out of bed immediately which I was told was something you don’t do to a guy…FTS! ..2 months later told him I wanted a divorce & that I was gay. Yup -just waiting for the divorce to be finalized….

  3. I’m sorry you are in such despair right now. Believe me when I say that I have been in your shoes. I am a bisexual woman, & I have been married for over 10 years. There was a time (not that long ago!), that I began not only seriously questioning my marriage, but my sexuality as well, & I began to wonder if I was a lesbian. After all, I seem to relate to women more, I coudn’t imagine being with another man besides my husband, & the thought of intimacy with a woman brought about an uncontrollable yearning. A yearning so strong, it developed into an obsession. I began to treat my husband badly because I felt that although for the most part he was wonderful & sexy, he wasn’t giving me what I needed. I began to resent him, & he began to resent me for not fulfilling his sexual needs. There was a huge rift between us which was growing every day, & I was contemplating divorce.
    I decided to come out to my husband as Bi, & he did not take it well. He asked why I would be having these feelings now, & I couldn’t answer him. I hadn’t really thought about why, or what triggered the feelings. So I did a little soul searching, & began to ask myself honest questions. I realized that the reason I couldn’t be with another man was because I really didn’t want to. Then I thought about women. What is the one thing that women have with other women, that men don’t share with other men? INTIMACY! Women have incredibly intimate relationships with one another, & we get each other! We know what we think, feel, we make connections, and we know what feels good in bed! What could be better than that? Then I thought about what it was that I really needing. Was it sex with a woman, Intimacy with a woman, Or just intimacy in general? I realized that I didn’t really want to be with a woman, I just wanted to feel that connection and intimacy that I once shared with my husband. I was just confusing it with other feelings. My husband & I had been neglecting each other, neglecting our marriage, & even worse-neglecting our sex lives! So I told him how I felt about the issues I just mentioned, & we made the choice to give it another go. I vowed to put the thoughts of being with other women out of my head, & began to focus on all of the things about my husband I love & find sexy. He vowed to be more attentive & present in the relationship & not be so selfish in bed. (btw-apparently sex is how they feel connected with their partner/show love. it’s not just about the orgasm! Who knew?). Any which way, I’m sorry to have rambled on about myself. But do yourself a favor-ask yourself what you really want, & just do it. You’ll be happier either way. And if you think your husband is would be crushed, think about what this is doing to him right now. He’s not as oblivious as you think. Take care & hang in there. You’ll figure it out.

    • So how are things now? Do you still want to be with women? I don’t think I could satiate that urge just because my husband is sweeter and more attentive. It does get a bit easier though, because there’s less animosity. When my husband is being super helpful, I have little resentment and life runs much smoother. Sex is much better then too. But still, there’s something missing. I know that if you’re bi, it’s not nearly as hard, but if you are a lesbian… I can’t imagine.

      • I can’t imagine that either! What agony that would be.
        As far as those urges, I don’t have them any longer, & it hasn’t been due to my husband being more attentive. It’s about him being more connected with me, and me being receptive to that. I had to tear down the wall that I took 2 years putting up.
        I finally recognized that my marriage (& I) was in a rut. I also realized that I had been misplacing certain emotions which complicated things…
        I met a woman through mutual friends & we hit it off right away. She was smart, attractive, funny & very adventurous. We started spending a great deal of time together, doing new & exciting things, and before I realized it, I had developed a full on girl crush. I became quite infatuated with her, & that’s about when I began to question my sexuality. But when the opportunity to be intimate with her presented itself, I couldn’t do it. It was then that I realized I didn’t really want her, I wanted that fresh, new, exciting relationship that I no longer had with my husband.
        I know it sounds wacky, but it’s my story. As for the woman, we’re still friends, & there’s no animosity. She’s a great gal, & I feel lucky to have her as a friend. I feel especially lucky to have my marriage intact.
        As for you my dear, what is it that YOU want? What do you feel like you need to have in your life in order to be fulfilled? You deserve to have happiness waiting for you around every corner. Whether it’s with your husband or not. The time we have on this planet is so short…Live fully! 🙂
        Best of luck to you on this journey. ❤

      • Wow, that’s amazing. I can see that happening too. I really love my husband and I can see part of your story in my own. I’m torn. It’s more than just about wanting something new or different for me. It has much more to do with having a partner who is really in it with you so you don’t get into that resentment rut AND having the freedom to be who I am. He is very passive aggressive. I cannot just go off by myself, it makes him feel too alone. He relies too much on my existence for his happiness. He always has. But it seems it has become even more pronounced as we get older. He CANNOT actually keep me from going, visiting a friend for a weekend, flying to see family, or going to an art show, but he balks and makes me feel bad for leaving him for however long.
        So, yes, I guess if that was better , it would be easier, but there’s an attraction to women that I have had since I was a little girl. I don’t know if having a “thing” on the side would satiate that. :-/

  4. I also want to say thank you for your blog. It has been helpful in my journey!

  5. Your relationship sounds like it has an avoidant/attachment dynamic.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: