The reason I have not posted this earlier is because I was quite drunk when this happened. There are parts I remember clearly and yet other parts that are quite hazy. I was in my early 20’s and was hanging out at a long-time close friend Eric’s, house. There were several of us drinking and listening to loud music (imagine that.) I never had any sexual attraction towards Eric, but loved to hang out with him for his wild antics. He was always silly, overly sexual and I kinda thought he might be gay although he consistently kept very fun and funky girlfriends. This time was no different. He was playing around with her when I walked into their room. He suggested that I have a threesome with them, as I watched them play kissyface. I was not at all attracted to him, but then again, to both of us, it was more about playing than anything else. Then he revealed her glorious breasts and I was in a trance. I couldn’t say no.
The night ensued in erotic pleasure, but poor Eric only got attention from his dear girlfriend while I paid all my attention to her. I kept exploring her and hoping my inexperience wouldn’t hinder my ability to please. I remember clearly saying over and over again “This is what I want! This is amazing!” but sadly thinking “How can I do this without being judged?” Disenchanted or overstimulated, Eric left us to our own devices where we played on for hours. It was one of the best nights of play I would have for a very long time.
The next few days, instead of being filled with excitement, I was filled with shame and fear that someone might find out what I did. I was always very prudish in high school. I didn’t want to be known as a “slut” or that I was some swinging bi chick. I was so afraid to explore this new woman I was on the cusp of becoming, especially so close to my hometown. My head was spinning yet I wanted more. I was on the hunt for another experience but so much on the down-low that no one knew. I was so worried my mom might find out. I was worried people would think I was confused. You know, the confused girl who will just sleep with everyone cause she can’t decide if she likes boys or girls. As I look back, I just want to tell that girl “You are so brave in being who you are so far, don’t stop now. It’s ok to be different and figure yourself out. Everyone goes through that. Don’t judge yourself too harshly and go with what feels right in your heart. Screw everyone else’s opinion, you will only be left with your own in the end.”
I spent the next couple years hanging out with my lesbian best friend. We hung out in gay clubs, dancing the night away. She was extremely Butch (not my type) but we got along famously. I wanted so badly to meet someone. I begged to go the lesbian bars with her, but when we went I felt like the biggest faker. As I look back, I think I hindered any of those advances just from lack of confidence. I was so freaking self-homophobic. I wanted another experience so badly yet I was just as fearful of someone calling me out on just pretending to be a lesbian. How could I convince them I was one if I wasn’t 100 percent sure myself? I felt I might be, but that took way more courage than I could muster. I have nothing but respect and admiration for teenagers who come out of the closet to find themselves. It takes such courage, and yet it is monumental in becoming who you really are. If I could have had more confidence in being ok with who I was, whatever that was, I think I would have taken a different path in life.
Perhaps my path has been to learn that confidence. I am understanding that now that I am married, have kids and am no longer the hot, skinny, single woman I was eons ago. Figures. But that’s what it took, I guess, to figure that shit out. I needed all this to understand what I want and need. I’m still trying to understand what I want and need but it seems to be getting quite clear, minus the collateral damage. I am way more confident and have learned not worry so much what others think. It’s a hard process. You inherently worry. It’s what keeps you safe from judgement, right? Nope. You’ll still be judged. By how you dress, to how you raise your kids. So it’s pointless to care that much. So here I am, relishing in my past “indiscretions” and not caring how they might make me look, cause from the outside looking in, it looks pretty fucking hot.
- The Closet…a place I am not very familiar or fond of (richellesouth.wordpress.com)
- Femme-inism (fairweatherfemme.wordpress.com)
- When is it imperative to out yourself to someone who hits on you? (ask.metafilter.com)
- Lady Gaga Opens Up About Lesbian Past (contactmusic.com)
- Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians (adventuresinloserville.wordpress.com)
- “101 Relationship Myths” about sexual attraction. (eagleman6788.wordpress.com)
- Dear Bossip: I’m A Divorcee With A Girlfriend, But I’m Into Transsexuals & Bottoming (bossip.com)
- National Coming Out Day (theloveandthelaw.wordpress.com)
- Why Bisexual? (selenakingauthor.wordpress.com)
- Sexual Attraction (sexualfluidityfrolicker.wordpress.com)