My dream about coming out


I had the most interesting dream last night. I dreamt that I was in line for something and my husband was going to meet up with me in the line. To my right is Ash Beckham, a motivational speaker, from what I gather. She’s a very butch woman but in my dream she was softer and slightly more feminine. (More my type.) Standing to my left is a very yummy femme /athletic looking woman who’s gushing that I’m getting to stand right next to Ash. At this point my husband arrives, asking what the big deal is, because he doesn’t recognize her as anything special. I tell him she was one of the TED speakers I saw on youtube and who apparently has a following. He asked me what the subject was. My heart dropped. (My palms are sweating now, even as I type this.) “She spoke on coming out of the closet,” I replied.

He gave me this “Oh, is that so?” Kinda look. The kind of look that tells you they just figured you out. The kind of look that scares the bejesus out of you because the end of the world is coming. The streets are gonna flood and you have to burn books in a frozen library to stay alive. Except he’s not gonna help you build any fires any more.

“No, it’s not what you think!” (Yes, it is.) “It’s about more than just being gay.” Which was true. He shakes his head and magically disappears, cause in dreams, that’s what happens. In the next moment I am in the throes of some fantastic make out session with the enthusiastic femme that was in line next to me. The wind hits sheer curtains as I detail her body with my outstretched fingers. I see flashes of her bare skin. I hesitate to go any further, torn between two worlds. He appears again. This time he is confused. He wants to be a part of it, but saddened because he knows he’s not really invited. He leaves quietly. The scene fades. I remember dreaming on but cannot remember any more details.

It was painful but true. Damn Kinsey. Why can’t it be black and white. Here’s this beautiful person who wants to love me, yet I fall short in loving him. I long for women. He gets jealous over men and I wonder, is he really that blind? I meet men all the time in the places I go, and never have an interest in them. I trained myself to be unavailable. That’s what you do when your married. But when it comes to women, that barrier is made of butter ready to be melted at any moment. I tried to keep it up and did such a good job for a long time. Still am. But my brain, heart and body tell me it’s different now and I don’t know what to do. Fuck I can’t even “cheat” in a dream.

I don’t know how to walk away from someone who is so rare. I have a best friend who has had the hardest time even finding decent boyfriend material, let alone someone to be in a committed relationship with.  I’m not afraid to be alone, I’m afraid to let go of such a beautiful love. It’s like throwing away a half-read-secret. How do you know if you are doing the right thing? Heart says it’s good, but not perfect, body says it’s good but there’s more out there, Soul says it not perfect but it’s yours.

Perhaps an open relationship will work. Who knows. I wonder what the success rate and long term potential is on that. You see, I may lean towards women. I may fantasize solely about women, but the reality is that there is someone who loves me, lesbian and all, and tries to be the best he can. I don’t know if I could ask for much more. Until I see two women kiss. Then I become undone all over again.

This is Ash and her speech that apparently sparked my dream.

7 Comments

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  1. last_to_the_party November 9, 2013 — 8:11 pm

    Oh, Honey. I wish I could offer some kind of awesome “it gets better” rant (because I believe it MUST get better), but I’m in the same big, gay boat as you at the moment. I love my husband. He’s a good man. He deserves a good life with the wife he was promised. The thing is, I’m not that wife anymore, as much as I wish that I still was. And just how do I kill the most amazing thing I’ve ever been a part of? How do I help us both to move forward? Because, the really scary leap of faith part that I can’t quite manage yet the idea that anyone will ever love me like this again. Honey, I hope for the both of us that our respective struggles find resolution soon. Keep writing, your words give me so much comfort.

    • A friend once said to me, and I have to keep saying it over and over again to myself, You are accepted no matter what you do. It’s okay if you stay, its okay if you go. Take your time and just follow your gut. That’s all we can ever do. Thank you for your kind words.

  2. Holy crap that was the best speech I’ve ever heard.I feel liberated.thank you.

  3. I’m chasing this same dream. Uncontrollable and relentless.

    Thank you for sharing

  4. Hi, loved reading your post. That is, as a husband, you communicate well how I suspect my wife may feel.. If my gut feeling turns out right, I would suggest she is in a phase now where she clings to all safe and familiar, battles her perception of own identity, still desires seem present and fails to remain concealed for me.. I find staying in this position for long very selfish.. Truth is rough, but best for both if so… Yes, “true love” may still exist and is important, but if sexual desires runs only one way between a couple, the answer is obvious, right..? Hugs from me, wish you the best in your process

    • Thank you for being kind. I don’t think there are many of us who feel this way without carrying a heavy burden of guilt and sadness. To hear such kind words lifts my heart. My husband is also very forgiving and good-hearted for the most part, it is one of the reasons why I love him. It gives me hope that he will understand and already does to some degree. Th hard part is to fraction myself into what exactly will make me happy in the future. (Or not, for that matter.) Is it fair to stay when I feel so incomplete? Is it fair to leave someone who gives me all that he can offer? I’m still wrestling with these questions and insights like yours helps me tremendously. Thank you.

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