The mess and the cleanup

Almost two years ago I began to acknowledge my sexuality fully. I was in a deep depression. I was scrolling through women for women Craigslist ads, like some junky looking for a hit. I didn’t write anyone but knew I was searching for something, but really what I was looking for wasn’t on a computer or in the bowl of ice cream,  it was within. I cried quite a bit. I was angry and frustrated with my husband. He was really useless at the time. I let him be, by not speaking up. He had no idea.  I allowed his laziness to build to epic proportions, and opted not to complain.

I felt like a failure in all ways but one. I could keep him happy in bed. So I did. I, on the other hand, felt used and neglected. Not so much by the sex, but by the relationship in general. I was the housekeeper,chef, grocery-getter, bookkeeper, dog-washer, nanny, and secretary. Sometimes he would put away the dishes and do a load of his own clothes, but that was about it. He read books in his down time while I had no down-time. I was worn out and frustrated. I was holding on to so many grudges, my anger and depression mounted. I felt like I couldn’t be honest, because a good wifey doesn’t bitch and complain. Who wants to be married to a nag?

Each time I got pregnant, my hormones would skyrocket and my desires became pronounced. I would dream about women and fantasize about things I wouldn’t ever admit to anyone. I wrote it off as hormones, yet my body was screaming at me. I imagined running back home with my unborn child, but then remembering that I would still be too cowardly to come out once there.

I was buried in denial about my sexuality. It’s not that didn’t know that I was very bi/gay, it was that I was too afraid to be completely honest about exactly where I stood on that scale. I had and still have an attraction to my husband, but it’s not about if he’s a guy or a girl, it’s about love. I must admit though, that I am and have always been more attracted to women on a much larger scale. I was just always afraid to be the “indecisive” Bi-girl, aka, the slut. So I opted for the “easier” path of being seen as straight. Well that worked out ok, until it didn’t. He always knew that I liked girls in the “drunk kissing” sort of way, but not the real life Lesbian, sort of way.

There were many times where I thought about ending it all, but never seriously enough to take action. I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving him to hold such a burden in his heart or to hurt my family in such a way. If I did it, it would have to look like an accident… Again, the thought of my children’s broken hearts kept me from ever pursuing such a morbid answer to the questions plaguing me.

Holding it all in began to unravel me. I was a mess.  I was forgetting to pay bills. Our lights were turned off, not because we didn’t have the money, but because I was overwhelmed and forgot. When that happened, he realized that I was not capable of doing it all. I was not some robot-wife that could do it all. He slowly started stepping up. This gave me the confidence to be more forthright. So I began to to get honest. I would let him know I was tired and frustrated. I started to acknowledge what my body was saying. I was accepting my fantasies and sharing them with him. He wasn’t afraid of them. He knew this part of me, better than I thought. I began to get really real and it felt so good. It was undeniably scary, but it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. He could see the confidence in me. He was afraid too, but he told me that no matter what, he loved me. If I left and became a lesbian, he would still love me. I would still love him too. That’s why I’m still here. He was hurt and scared, but knew that I would never leave his heart, even if I did leave and find a woman. He is still my best friend and confidant and I will always be there for him. Honestly, I feel that we could be even better friends in the future.

There’s no correct answer to what we are going through. Some women leave, and some women stay. I think the only right answer is honesty. I could not have gotten through all of this without coming to terms with and being honest about who I am and what I am capable of. I also needed to recognize what I couldn’t do. Once I was able to see where I was for what I was, I could move forward with intention. I didn’t want to be sad, frustrated, or angry, but without acknowledging the causes, I couldn’t begin to find a solution. I had to get real. The only way to move forward is to embrace where we are in the moment and let go of the past. It doesn’t matter who you were yesterday, or who you might be tomorrow, it only matters who you are right now. So the question remains, how honest are you in where you are right now? How naked is your soul to those that know you? How deep are you buried in your pain or denial?

We all go back there and bury ourselves up and hide, but ultimately, you have to move forward in honesty. It’s not painless, but it’s not as hard as being suffocated by your own heart.

One Comment

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  1. I wouldn’t get so tripped up on the bi versus lesbian label. I know society days bi is “x” and lesbian is “z” but I can’t tell you how many women who love women I know who don’t fit nearly into a box.

    You clearly prefer women but have some capacity for attraction to the “person not the gender” which is actually quite common and normal for bisexuals and lesbians. How we define our label is our choice. Even if your attraction to your spouse ebbs and flows and you attraction to women is constant, it doesn’t change your capacity to love. The thing that changes it is your connection to yourself and your connection to the person you love. If your relationship with your husband ends, it will likely end due to relationship issues and your urge to be with a woman. Those urges and relationship issues aren’t about whether you are a 4.5.or6 on the Kinsey scale.

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