If only you knew


If only you knew what I was hiding. Dark within the confines of my soul. The things I share are sprinkled throughout my life so no one knows too much. If only you knew the pain that grips me inside and how my heart would bang against my chest in uncertain measure. My anxiety grabs hold with clenched fist and cold heart, teeth sneering yet never telling me what’s wrong. If only you knew how much I loved you and now I’m so confused on what love is or when to let go. How does one give in to temptation when all your life you are told that temptation is just that. A fools gold. Am I a fool for wondering what that is shimmering in the distance? Should I ignore my heart as it flutters at the sparkle? The grass is just grass, no greener than it is here yet I hear the music over there… I see the shine in thier eyes. Is it all real or just another life led differently? How does one measure two things when one is not there. How do you pick when all you have is the tangible? If only you knew how your love pours on me and smothers me in my own self loathing. My mind creeps to far off places as you embrace me in your arms donning gifts of compliments and trust, which I feel I do not deserve.
If only you knew how hard I’ve loved you. When things were bad and I wanted to run. I stayed through your inadequacies when most would have baled. I pulled you up from out of your cave. You made my life harder than I ever thought it had to be, yet I stayed. I am no hero for it either. Just a wife and best friend. That’s what you do when you are each others rock.
If only you knew how long I’ve held this so close to my heart. Perhaps that is why it tries to leap from out of my chest. If only you know how my fear of meeting someone grows bigger everyday. You have been so wrapped up in me you lost yourself. If only you knew how beautiful you are as yourself, not an extension of me. You are not mine, nor have ever been. You were with me in it together. If only you knew how badly I want to go. If only… I could tell you without breaking your heart.

About the post

Self Discovery

4 Comments

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  1. I love how poetic yer posts are. I can almost hear music when I read them.

  2. I agree with Jen, you write like people (with talent) paint. I’d like to give you advice but I suck at relationships, the wisest words ever said to me on the topic is – ‘you already know what you have to do’. ❤

  3. This is me…today and at this moment. He (my best friend and husband) is sleeping on the couch far before bedtime because this is hurting him so badly. All I can do today is drape a blanket over him and keep him warm.
    Thank you for keeping me company….truly, thank you.

  4. You, my friend, are an artist and I always enjoy the way you write.

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