numb


It’s been forever since I’ve written. I fear I’m in a sugar and fat induced depression coated with crap that’s gone wrong and layered in self loathing. Yeah, that good. It’s been far too long since I’ve really cared about myself. I have been snacking on shit and my ass has hit it’s limit, refusing to slide easily into once well fitting jeans. The cold outside has taken its toll on my energy making me sleep far too much and care far too little. Showers and leg shaving have little use to me as I feel I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything of worth. My makeup bag lays dormant waiting for me pick it up and revitalize my sad pale face but even on days when I do I don’t feel the mascara can plump my heart as it lifts my lashes nor can the foundation garner the coverage needed to hide my sadness.
It’s easy to play happy. Just smile wide and poke fun but some days I can’t muster the strength even for that. I am fighting an inner battle that my husband is only summarily aware of. My sister has again been submitted into a hospital for her attempts at ending her life. I was once a main character in a job where i gave my heart and soul. I now have been set aside as some fill in relegated to the back of the bus. People I cared about deemed me unnecessary and apparently unworthy. I was heartbroken yet I saw it coming. The hardest part was that no matter how hard I tried no person could fill the expectations of a certain perfectionist who couldn’t stand the thought of someone being above her in any way. I lost my best friend, my dog Roxie, of 14 years to old age. I had her since she was a puppy. I had to have her put down, which was the hardest part. There are no words for that.
I am flailing in a sea, trying to stay afloat. I am drowning in apathy and sloth. I am melting into my chair hoping that I blend right into it so I cannot feel or be. I do not want people right now. I do not want love. I want nothing which scares me more than anything.
I bitch and complain and hope that repeating my feelings with evict them yet my heart still numbly aches and I wish to say less. When I drive, I just want to drive away.
My daughter got a rather bad burn and the doctor said that if its not painful, it’s not a good sign as all the nerves are gone. I feel that way. All my nerves are gone. I try to relish the here and now but it’s not tasting like anything. Not sweet. Not bitter. Her pain was the only pain I felt.
I am waiting for the return of the sun and its warmth. Perhaps it will thaw my spirit and help get me moving again. One can only be this way for so long. It’s been too long already.

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Life, mental health

2 Comments

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  1. It’s strange to write this because I never thought of myself as a “churchie.” But as I stood after an under the breath ‘shit’ as I for the first time acknowledged in public to my congregation that I am a lesbian…my husband trembling beside me…and felt the warmth of acceptance from the large room around me, I knew the New Thought Center For Spiritual Living was home. We first started going the week after he found out and were hooked. They focus on self growth and it continues to be a weekly source of strength for us…especially me. Just a thought as I feel our stories are so similar. Sometimes forcing my lips to go the opposite direction for once into a smile helps. Warm thoughts to you.

  2. The winter is so depressing at times. The sun should be returning soon. Keep your chin up. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

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