Dear future girlfriend


Dear future girlfriend,
I know you exist. I have been looking for you for a long time now. Not so much once I got married. I no longer wanted to find you for a while, but what I didn’t realize is that when I stopped looking for you I stopped looking for me too.
I wanted so badly to be the perfect everything that I forgot I wasn’t, nor did I need to be. I gave up on finding you assuming I could play the straight card or, even better according to my husband, the bi-curious wife card. Except I’m not curious. Like a child who’s had ice cream before, there isn’t really any curiosity, just seeking a pleasure I already know I like. Unlike a child, I can maintain my composure and wait patiently. I have been waiting my whole life it seems.
I’m hoping you do exist. I don’t expect to be whisked away or have some strange hidden romance. That’s not really what I’m looking for. What I’m looking for is courage. I need a muse who will hold my hand as I stand up for myself. I need a voice when I have none. I need a friend who will give me her words as cherished gifts knowing I will hold them precious and dear to my heart. I need someone who wants me but does not need me, someone who can trust I will always have their back even if it hurts my heart. I want a lover who will not be afraid to stand up for herself and will refuse nothing less than 100%.
I have looked for you as a teenager in high school, I have gone through college and my single life to no avail. I assumed that I must not be “as gay,” because I found a loving man who filled so many of those voids, yet here I stand, still empty and waiting.
How did I come to this? When did I give up? When did I trade my true self in for the acceptable version?
If your “out” there… Can you hear me? I am no longer afraid to look, I just hope I am seeing clearer now.

About the post

inspiration, Life, Self Discovery

5 Comments

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  1. You will find her, how can you not? Till then, take heart. Courage will find you.

  2. I’m sure you will find her one day and if you do, let me know how you found her, okay?!

  3. Oh Honey….I feel like I know you. We are on such similar paths (dare I say identical?). I feel very fortunate to have found your site. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel some comfort in that I am not alone.

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