How do you know if you’re a lesbian?

A friend of m19b3065e9857afc575b84bd1c90c14ecine posted an article by Lauren Morelli,  a writer for Orange is the New Black. Don’t confuse her for the original writer, Piper Kerman, whom the storyline is based off of. I did, for a few moments anyways. Well, Lauren wrote an article about her experience on the show in the writers office and how it made her aware of her own inner workings. She had just gotten married and apparently realized that she wasn’t being honest with herself. I think her fiancee’s long illness probably kept her from such introspection (not to say it was his fault in any way.) It’s just that life sometimes get’s in the way of being able to discover who you are. Sometimes we use our busy lives to to hide from who we are. I know that I am completely guilty of this.

How do you know if your a lesbian? You like girls… alot. You get hot and bothered by the thought of touching them, and are almost completely turned off by men. If you are bi, you are more likely to choose someone based on love and not by genitalia alone.There are so many women who think that they are asexual or just don’t like sex only to discover that they have repressed their desires at such a young age because it was so taboo. I know I did. My aunt was a big ole dike and yet it was never discussed. It was not really even ok to pontificate on who her “new friend” might really be. She was out, yet discussions about her lifestyle were closeted in my home. I knew then that my feelings must be shameful and wrong. Girls who were bi were considered slutty, dirty and either indecisive or just didn’t care. That wasn’t me. I was very prim and took great care in my virtuosity. I did not want to be deemed a slut. I was confused, but I wasn’t sleeping around to figure it out. Maybe I should have.

I thought I was bi, albeit a very closeted one, when I got married. My husband knew that I was attracted to women, but this was something I really didn’t discuss with him unless it was to use as a verbal sex toy. Because that’s what our relationship was based on. Lots and lots of sex. Now before you start judging and wondering how someone can question if they are a lesbian and not just bi, I like sex. All kinds. I’m a very sexual person and when I was in my 20’s I was on fire. He happened to the best extinguisher I could find. And I loved him. I used sex to connect to men, I use it to connect to my husband and to satiate him. I never felt like it was something “for” me. It was a gift I could give. He was always trying to be better and give more. I have become less and less interested and really only do it for him, rarely do I want it. I know TMI. But this is my diary in the sky.

Plus, I did go to gay bars even while we were dating, a ton of them, but they were mainly filled with gay men sprinkled with a few lesbians or straight bffs, aka “fag hags.”  I was too shy and completely self conscious about pushing that envelope. I could not approach any woman and just yearned for one to approach me. My best friend was a very butch gal and I think she also intimidated any prospects. I was lost. I saw something that I wanted to have so bad, but it was like looking through a store window at things I couldn’t even dream to have. Am I lesbian? Am I bi?

I got married, moved, had kids and life moved on. I always kept the fantasies playing in my head. When I was pregnant my hormones made it even more apparent where my attractions were. It was not the man lying next to me. Being a people pleaser, I just kept going, hoping that I could ignore this part of me. I was thinking that I am bi and what if I jumped the fence to find the very same grass? Maybe even a similar relationship? Was breaking up this family worth it? There are more things about him that I don’t share because they are not about me and I don’t like sharing disparaging things about him. It’s not fair. He has no recourse. He cannot defend himself, so I shy away from telling you everything, sufficed to say, we are not on the same level in so many ways, I wonder what I saw in him sometimes. I know that every person is flawed so I cannot hope to ever see perfection, or a “perfect” relationship, but where does one draw the line? When does it become about settling for less than it is about acceptance of flaws? (I know, this wording is cloudy. For example, say a woman is a volunteer at a shelter, but not only does her partner not go with her, but doesn’t seem to support her choice or just doesn’t seem to care much about that part of her life. Is it just a “thing she does.” Is it healthy to have so many separate things that the other takes no part in? Does it mater if your not on the same page about a lot of things? Does sex matter that much, especially if I can still be satiated to a certain degree?  How much responsibility should lie on one person in a relationship?) These are things I ask myself daily. I wonder if I just lost my attraction to him and not all men. Granted, I meet men all the time when I bar tend and never feel a spark of attraction.

Honestly I am attracted to the good in him. The daddy he is when he is “on.” But when he is off or he starts talking about immigration or politics, I just want to barf. I cannot change that. You don’t change people, you love them for who they are, flaws and all. I’m not sure if I can love his flaws any longer. I don’t know how much of how I feel is based on my sexuality or just what my marriage looks like at the moment

How do I know if I’m a lesbian? I don’t know for sure but I do know I’m not straight. I do know that I want to do what’s right for myself and for my family. I’m afraid of what that might be, but it’s got to happen sooner rather than later. I’m so tired and I need to find courage to be who I really am without apology. I don’t want to live like this any more. I deserve to be happy, whatever that looks like. I deserve a partner who wants to be a part of my life and not just someone living off of it. I cannot fuel two people any longer. It’s too hard.


If you found this because you googled “How do you know if you’re a lesbian?” or “Am I gay?”  You probably are, or the one you were questioning probably is. Just like me. Don’t worry it will be ok. Shit’s about to get real.

Here’s Laura’s article

Here’s another great link to the Seven Myths About Sexual Orientation, plus if you click around it will lead you to some other good reading.




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  1. For a very long time I thought I was asexual. I loved my boyfriend and didn’t mind sex with him, but it was not for me it was for him. By the time I was in a position to actually be with a girl I was stunned. It was immediate. I am a lesbian – I am not asexual in anyway. At all. lol I had no idea what gay was growing up, so I just thought that all girls fantasized about their best friends and their butch art teachers. So here is the biggest problem, do you love someone even their flaws – yes, only being together should start to buff those flaws out, like polishing a rock. If it’s not getting brighter something isn’t working and if you are a lesbian no amount of trying is going to change that. Personally, from you blog, I believe you are. I hope you find yourself soon, you and he deserve to be truly happy!!!

  2. Omg! So close to home that it’s scary! I have found the woman who has already captured my heart. And yet….courage is STILL a difficult and elusive thing.

    • I’m in a constant struggle daily. I never know what the “right thing” to is. I’m too unbiased, even towards myself. Stupid gemini in me! I have a switch though, where I cannot LOVE two people, the sappy kind. So if I fell, I would probably go, but if she were just a bff with benefits, I’d still be stuck. grrrr

  3. I have spent the last several hours with eyes glued to ur blog! Every little thing that u have written, could have been written by me!
    My husband does not approve, and will not condone me having a FWB at any stage while we are married. Instead he’s guilting me into staying in our marriage and suppressing my true self for another x amount of years to enable our children to be raised in the ‘right setting’!
    Everyday I get flowers, showered with love, love notes, cuddles, kisses…. He’s an amazing man and my best friend but not who I am meant to live my life with!
    I married young as that’s what I thought we had to do, it’s wat is socially acceptable. Marry, have children, be the perfect wife and put ur own wants and desires on the back burner. God what I’d give to go back to my 19yo self on my wedding day and slap myself across the face and tell me to wake up to myself! Lesson learnt- u can only bury ur true feelings for so long before they fester and explode.

    Thankyou for sharing ur story and I hope that one day you find peace.

    • Wow, so glad you found me and more importantly that you are finding solace in others in your situation. Yes it’s a strange road. Please just tread lightly with your husband as all of you feel will be a personal affront to your relationship. Guilting someone into staying married is just passive aggressive behavior. You must decide what you need to do for yourself. And know that whatever it is (stay OR go) I support you 100%.

      • I’ve spent a good amount of time reading your blog as well. As the husband of a recently acknowledged lesbian it’s heartbreaking. Your unmet wants and needs, you struggled to love and respect a man that can’t possibly complete you sexually. My wife and I are still together. I have encouraged her to come out to friends and family, because I realize the lie is only a temporary fix. At the same time she is coming out we are in counseling, trying to figure out if there is a path forward for us, together. I have to say though that reading your blog and the comments send me into a tailspin. They make me realize what is most likely true, that she is going through this process out of love and respect for me, when deep down she realizes that it’s actually over and has been for years. It makes me sad and scared, for her, our two young kids and myself.

      • Dear husband,
        Her fears are the same as yours in that respect. It hopefully isn’t over so much as it is different. We all get married at one age and find to be different people as we grow up. I knew I liked women along time ago but was too self-homophobic to act on it. I thought I hit the lottery when I found my husband. Now I feel like absolute shit for having such a turn of heart. Granted, he has done some things that make me question why I married him, I’m sure he could probably say the same about me. It’s a tough road.
        Please, just give her room to make up her mind. If you were a good couple, you will still be great together just in a different way. My husband has an addiction to sex and it blinds him to what I need. He fears that if we are not having sex, then I don’t love him. I cannot prove it enough and yet i feel more alone every day. Don’t ask her to prove herself because she does love you and it breaks her heart just as much. You have been showing her that you are there for her, keep doing it and you will never lose her heart. You may break up and one day live in seperate houses and maybe you work together to take care of your kids. But as long as you are doing it with love and respect for each other, you’ll be doing it right. It’s when we hold onto our sadness and resentments that our children really suffer.
        You are a dear sweet man, and she is lucky to have you. I know that no matter what, I want my husband IN my life. He may not always be the kiss goodnight but he will always be my best friend and that sometimes is better than anything.
        I wish you the best of luck with love and happiness. You deserve it too.

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