A friend of mine posted an article by Lauren Morelli, a writer for Orange is the New Black. Don’t confuse her for the original writer, Piper Kerman, whom the storyline is based off of. I did, for a few moments anyways. Well, Lauren wrote an article about her experience on the show in the writers office and how it made her aware of her own inner workings. She had just gotten married and apparently realized that she wasn’t being honest with herself. I think her fiancee’s long illness probably kept her from such introspection (not to say it was his fault in any way.) It’s just that life sometimes get’s in the way of being able to discover who you are. Sometimes we use our busy lives to to hide from who we are. I know that I am completely guilty of this.
How do you know if your a lesbian? You like girls… alot. You get hot and bothered by the thought of touching them, and are almost completely turned off by men. If you are bi, you are more likely to choose someone based on love and not by genitalia alone.There are so many women who think that they are asexual or just don’t like sex only to discover that they have repressed their desires at such a young age because it was so taboo. I know I did. My aunt was a big ole dike and yet it was never discussed. It was not really even ok to pontificate on who her “new friend” might really be. She was out, yet discussions about her lifestyle were closeted in my home. I knew then that my feelings must be shameful and wrong. Girls who were bi were considered slutty, dirty and either indecisive or just didn’t care. That wasn’t me. I was very prim and took great care in my virtuosity. I did not want to be deemed a slut. I was confused, but I wasn’t sleeping around to figure it out. Maybe I should have.
I thought I was bi, albeit a very closeted one, when I got married. My husband knew that I was attracted to women, but this was something I really didn’t discuss with him unless it was to use as a verbal sex toy. Because that’s what our relationship was based on. Lots and lots of sex. Now before you start judging and wondering how someone can question if they are a lesbian and not just bi, I like sex. All kinds. I’m a very sexual person and when I was in my 20’s I was on fire. He happened to the best extinguisher I could find. And I loved him. I used sex to connect to men, I use it to connect to my husband and to satiate him. I never felt like it was something “for” me. It was a gift I could give. He was always trying to be better and give more. I have become less and less interested and really only do it for him, rarely do I want it. I know TMI. But this is my diary in the sky.
Plus, I did go to gay bars even while we were dating, a ton of them, but they were mainly filled with gay men sprinkled with a few lesbians or straight bffs, aka “fag hags.” I was too shy and completely self conscious about pushing that envelope. I could not approach any woman and just yearned for one to approach me. My best friend was a very butch gal and I think she also intimidated any prospects. I was lost. I saw something that I wanted to have so bad, but it was like looking through a store window at things I couldn’t even dream to have. Am I lesbian? Am I bi?
I got married, moved, had kids and life moved on. I always kept the fantasies playing in my head. When I was pregnant my hormones made it even more apparent where my attractions were. It was not the man lying next to me. Being a people pleaser, I just kept going, hoping that I could ignore this part of me. I was thinking that I am bi and what if I jumped the fence to find the very same grass? Maybe even a similar relationship? Was breaking up this family worth it? There are more things about him that I don’t share because they are not about me and I don’t like sharing disparaging things about him. It’s not fair. He has no recourse. He cannot defend himself, so I shy away from telling you everything, sufficed to say, we are not on the same level in so many ways, I wonder what I saw in him sometimes. I know that every person is flawed so I cannot hope to ever see perfection, or a “perfect” relationship, but where does one draw the line? When does it become about settling for less than it is about acceptance of flaws? (I know, this wording is cloudy. For example, say a woman is a volunteer at a shelter, but not only does her partner not go with her, but doesn’t seem to support her choice or just doesn’t seem to care much about that part of her life. Is it just a “thing she does.” Is it healthy to have so many separate things that the other takes no part in? Does it mater if your not on the same page about a lot of things? Does sex matter that much, especially if I can still be satiated to a certain degree? How much responsibility should lie on one person in a relationship?) These are things I ask myself daily. I wonder if I just lost my attraction to him and not all men. Granted, I meet men all the time when I bar tend and never feel a spark of attraction.
Honestly I am attracted to the good in him. The daddy he is when he is “on.” But when he is off or he starts talking about immigration or politics, I just want to barf. I cannot change that. You don’t change people, you love them for who they are, flaws and all. I’m not sure if I can love his flaws any longer. I don’t know how much of how I feel is based on my sexuality or just what my marriage looks like at the moment
How do I know if I’m a lesbian? I don’t know for sure but I do know I’m not straight. I do know that I want to do what’s right for myself and for my family. I’m afraid of what that might be, but it’s got to happen sooner rather than later. I’m so tired and I need to find courage to be who I really am without apology. I don’t want to live like this any more. I deserve to be happy, whatever that looks like. I deserve a partner who wants to be a part of my life and not just someone living off of it. I cannot fuel two people any longer. It’s too hard.
If you found this because you googled “How do you know if you’re a lesbian?” or “Am I gay?” You probably are, or the one you were questioning probably is. Just like me. Don’t worry it will be ok. Shit’s about to get real.
Here’s another great link to the Seven Myths About Sexual Orientation, plus if you click around it will lead you to some other good reading.