The King and I


I’m running on Auto Pilot. Asleep while speeding ahead. That’s kinda what it feels like. I have been working out like crazy, fitting it in where I can. I have been taking so many odd jobs that my “real job” is looking like something I no longer recognize. I have my husband pouring affection on me like honey, hoping it will stick. I respond and play alot of the times. I’m not in-human. I love to be adored. I love to play and he’s great when it comes to that. But then when he starts objectifying me or having far-reaching expectations in the bedroom, I feel crushed. We have deep debates and it breaks my heart because he always so far right while I lean to the left. I create events that are Peace related, community based or Art driven, all things in which he has little interest in. It boggles my mind how we ever even connected, being so very different. Was Paula Abdul right? Do opposites really attract? Or is that they go there to defend their side? I feel like I’m defending my side more and more. Then after we vehemently disagree, he grabs my ass. The discussion is over and now it’s on to sex…

I run and exercise with the woman I had a one night romp with a few years ago. (Let’s call her Tori) My husband knows about it. He hides his jealousy well but it comes out in glimmers from time to time. The funny thing is that it has been pretty platonic even though as she runs in front of me I fight my brain to concentrate on running and not to deviate to fantasy-land. We hav really been motivating eachother. It’s probably the only time where I feel free from work and home.

I struggle with all my responsibilities. I am a pretty good mom but I feel like I’m neglecting my kids during the week. I have no energy to make decent meals as I am the only one who even attempts to clean house on a regular basis or clean up AFTER a meal. My bedroom looks like an episode of Hoarders. I have blankets, papers  and clothes piled high and it has no effect on my husband. My list of shit-to-do is so long that it will be forever before I get to straighten out our bedroom again. He is not affected one iota by its disheveled appearance. I however, am mortified. Our house was just like that too until recently. I paid a friend to help me clean up. In the end my husband vacuumed and threw out the trash. He did put some elbow grease into what he was doing, so I’m not gonna dog him on it, but I have been in that situation before where my best friend came over before a birthday party and the two of us spent a day and a half cleaning while he sat and watched TV. My children have seen this and think it’s soley my job to keep after EVERYBODY despite my best efforts to teach them otherwise. The sad part is, he throws his hands up and says “They will never do it,” almost immediately. This frustrates me more than anything.

I’m sorry,. I don’t like to dis him. I don’t like airing all of my dirty laundry and I probably won’t keep this post up very long because it’s not fair to him. He cant defend himself. But for right now, this is my side and this is how I feel. I’m tired of bottling this shit up.

He loves on me and I feel like I’m pretending. I know that I’ve built a wall between us, so it’s not entirely his fault, but at the same time he has done some things that just disappoint me to the core. Things you don’t tell people because you don’t want them to look at him as a bad guy or a lousy dad, cause over all, he’s a good guy trying to do the right thing.  A good guy who makes mistakes. No he doesn’t abuse me or my children, in case you’re trying to guess. I think it has mostly to do with his anger, his lack of sleep and his list of priorities. He stays up too damn late hoping for sex. He gets upset if its a no, but if he gets it,  it fuels his need for more. He then doesn’t sleep much cause he has to wake up early, he works with an angry man, and then comes home expecting me to play happy housewife with dinner ready, which happens about %50 of the time). He has little interest in playing with or reprimanding the kids, he would only yell from the couch, until he gets mad that they are ignoring him (like he has been doing to them all evening.) I see all this and it turns me off . The screaming, the bad attitudes and the escalations. It makes me less of a mother. It hurts my heart. And then he loves on me… I feel the wrenching of my heart. I turn away as he holds me tight, seemingly pulling my love from me…

I steal moments where I surf the web for stupid ads I’ll never answer. I meet women that I wish I knew if I could come out to and ones I have but haven’t had anything go anywhere. I glance at women at the gym, hoping I might find a smile back. I reach for another world that I know is there yet I have no guts to travel to. As one friend heard from a group of lesbians “I want to be a lesbian so bad I can taste it…” Maybe it’s being a lesbian or maybe it’s as simple as being free. Being free to be who I am without all this shit attached. Maybe I need to just not be married. If I get out, loud and proud, that would be fucking awesome… but it doesn’t HAVE to happen. I just have to be happy and not so damn lonely all the time.

I feel like I’m some Queen in a castle I didn’t build in land thats not really mine. While I have the adoration of the King and frivolous material things that one might align with happiness, I sit alone in all it’s splendor, waiting for something real to fill the void. The closest thing I have now are my kids, but that is a different kind of love and fulfillment. My friends all live in lands far away. When I was young I would have parties and dinners where everyone would come. I would go hang out with my best friend and have dinner. Now I am at home working, working out or with my husband. My free time is spent running and drinking because I need to escape. But all I do is run around outside my castle and drink with my king, getting nowhere.

I’m sorry. I know this isn’t entertaining and I must be griping in just about all my posts about the same damn thing, but I ned to get it off my chest. Yes, I know, it’s insanity… doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Please just tell me how you tell a man who tells you everyday that you are beautiful and that he loves you, that You have fallen out of love with him and better yet, you think you’re a lesbian? How does one do it without  breaking both your hearts and wreaking havoc on your home? I don’t know if I could handle that. I don’t know if I want to crease this picture perfect family, let alone tear it in half.

I took a stupid test on facebook that called me a rebel, yet I am so damn safe it’s scary. Yes, I will stand up for the little guy and call out a bigot with a single swear, but mar the image that I have created of this happily married woman? Not on your life!  It’s so stupid but it’s true. I’m so damn scared of myself and what I really want and how I will look that I am frozen with fear. I learned from my mom that you just don’t really make waves, you just stick it out. That’s what married people are supposed to do. Or at least that’s what they pretend to do. I don’t know anymore. I’m supposed to love this man, flaws and all but it’s not just his flaws that I don’t like, I don’t like his views on a lot of things. our opinions are so night and day, they don’t even share the same zipcode. His commitment and love for animals is wavering at best. I am an animal lover and rescuer. I will spend money and go into debt for pets… he will not. It seems that the only things we share are our high sex drive and humor. (And my drive has been waning, due to age and/or attraction, I’m not sure.) I’m not sure there’s much else that we really have in common. He’s even afraid to dream small. That has eroded many of my dreams into nubs of their former selves. I’m tired of living so small and hoping for so little. I expect more from life and from people. I want to do big things and not feel ashamed when I make plans for such things.

I want to travel and be allowed to dream big. Open my own art gallery. Have adventures, sometimes with my kids and sometime alone. I want to be free. Why does freedom sound so beautiful yet it’s so scary to get there? Why does this have to be so hard?

 

I look in my mirror at my reflection
but my reflection won’t look back at me
She’s sorting through dreams
deciding which ones to keep
and then she  wipes her hands
brushing them clean

3 Comments

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  1. Wow, there is a lot going on in this post. I don’t think you should take it down. Blogging is a way to get your feelings out in the open. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. We all understand there are two sides to a story, and this is your side – raw and real.

    As for the rest, I wish there were some advice I could give you. It makes me sad to read that you feel the way you do, like you are trapped in a world you didn’t want or ask for…

    I hope you find what you are looking for, and most of all I hope you find your way out of this marriage. You DO deserve happiness. Life is short. Do you really want to have regrets when it ends?

    I’m out here pulling for you, whatever you decide…

  2. I was reading through your blogs and you seem very aware if yourself. Determining what you want to do takes time. It seems like you do bring compassion to yourself which is so important. Also, in all relationships, there are issues we have that don’t have much to do with our sexual orientation. It seems your person based attraction to your husband (ever read lisa diamonds book?) has it’s own place in your heart and your love for yourself and your core lesbian needs to be met are also in your heart and require your focus now too. It’s something I’ve been working on in my own relationship: the idea of separating out where my feelings are stemming from and why I’m having them. It’d never answered nj my head but in my body. Your bedroom issues sound to be a combination of both your sexuality and yearning for a woman and your husbands lack of help around the house and insistent need on sex and personalizing it when you don’t want it. No wonder you feel like an object! This issue in fact comes up a lot in different gendered marriages. Also, I notice apart of me shuts down towards my spouse not just because of my sexuality but also because I fear the loss of the relationship, of being alone, of not wanting to feel the pain this Loss will bring into my life, of losing my straight privilege, of facing all my other issues that have less to do with my lesbian feelings and more to do with my own childhood demons. We are such amazingly complex creatures.

  3. I hope you post again before too long.

    There are a lot of posts, and I’m always finding something new about you as you detail your life. Often it’s touching and sometimes it’s terribly sad. You show your caring nature every time you write, though.

    Wish we could discuss some things.

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