The Pleaser Speaks Up


I think I’m on these waves of depression and anxiety. Some days I’m up and doing just fine and then (mostly) right before that time of the month I get very low and emotional. Not that that is an excuse for all of the things that grip my heart, as I am still very real and affected by all the things that go on around me. I’m so frustrated and getting more so every day. I walk a fine line when it comes to berating the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. It’s a fine line there. I want to say so many things but find it hard to spray them here because all you will see is the bad and the ugly. You don’t see the guy who tells me I’m beautiful every day or that he loves me.

Now I’m starting to wonder if he just loves the parts of me that I can give to him and nothing else. What do I mean? He loves the mother in me, because that woman takes care of his kids and picks up all the slack that he does not do. He loves the bookkeeper in me that pays all our bills and plays chess with our money to make it happen. He loves the wife that cleans and cooks and gets the coffee ready almost every night.He loves the worker bee that earns her money and puts in his pot. He loves the party girl who gets tipsy and horny. He loves the workout queen who’s butt gets higher and libido swells.  He loves the sexpot that crawls in the bed and doesn’t put up a fuss when he initiates sex. He loves my parts and my heart when it gives to him. However, he doesn’t like the artist that spends all night painting (withholding sex.) He doesn’t like the friend part of me that takes time to listen and comfort my friends when they need it. He doesn’t like the animal rescuer/lover part of me that keeps and spends money on homeless animals that may infringe on part of his space in some way, or that I will stick up for a pet if they have an accident. He ignores the Bookkeeper in me that says we cant afford something or that I need help. He’s not so happy with the workout queen who is exhausted or doesn’t have time for sex, but needs to go run instead or the party girl who wants to go out with the girls instead.  He doesn’t like the worker bee as I work during times where he might have to take care of the kids or cook his own dinner. He doesn’t like the volunteer in me that keeps me away from him and might be too tired to have sex. He only likes the rebel in me if it’s going on an adventure safe enough for him.He only likes the lesbian in me if I let him be a part of it. In essence, taking who I am and making it about his pleasure.

I feel like I am once again objectified and pieced apart and not loved as a whole. I feel like each time he paws at me I give more of myself away than I want to, just to keep the peace. I feel like if I don’t feed him the parts of me that he likes, my world would be so volatile that I could not enjoy the other parts at all. (He’s not abusive, but very passive aggressive.) I guess it’s good that I can at least voice these things now. Two years ago I would never have written something like this. I painted my life as perfect except that I liked women. It was perfect only because I was still in character as the wife who put all her own shit aside to please her man. Even my coming out to him was a device for pleasure and not an awakening. I knew I was sad but I buried it so deep that it’s still digging. I want to be happy but I don’t want to force myself into a fake smile and a Facebook friendly version of myself that’s digestible for everyone. I want to be hard to swallow sometimes. I want to be dirty and scream with passion. (That can be taken a few ways.) I want a partner who gives a shit about the things I love. Who will stay awake and make me coffee while I paint or retire to bed without tucking themselves into a sleep full of resentment. I want someone who doesn’t fume at our children for small infractions because they were taught no other way. I want love to pour from their heart for not just me but for humanity. I want the world to matter, not just the microcosm we happen to inhabit. I want kisses with sex, kisses filled with so much passion that they themselves could explode. I need more, so much more and I’m wondering why I do not ask for it all.

Why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Why do I keep myself from the things that I love? Because it displeases him? Because I’m too busy trying to please everyone that I forget about the one person I have to live with, myself. We all forget to listen to that inner voice. We all forget to stick up for ourselves. My mom basically told me when we were still dating that I wouldn’t get anyone better than this so I better hang on to him. She said that we were “lucky” to find men who would love curvy women like us. UGH!!!!  I wasn’t even very curvy then. I was a size 8! I knew then that I was going to marry him. It was in the cards, but I knew that there was more to me than being a wife. I did everything I said I didn’t want to do because I was so afraid to go against what was expected of me. I look back and wonder where that fierce feminist went. I was fiesty yet I never looked up from the playbook to see what it was that I wanted. I was brought up thinking that we could have friends who were gay, family members even, but that it wasn’t really acceptable. My mom wanted to be at my wedding and hold a grand-baby. I found a handsome man who was willing to help me make her happy. How could I say no? With every fiber of my being I was screaming “No” from the inside,albeit, it was buried and muffled. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. But during my whole wedding I kept thinking about the “one thing” that I hadn’t given myself the permission to explore with the dignity it deserved and now I am lost in it’s reflection.

For now I am contemplative. Wondering where I go from here. How can I unstick myself from this apathy and what will happen when I do?

6 Comments

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  1. Man. I can tell you from experience. Getting off the marriage train is harder then it looks. I have days where I still regret it. Life was easy then. My family didn’t reject me. My friends didn’t try to pray away the gay. I had a life that wasn’t necessarily happy. But I didn’t have as many worries as I do now. My brother keeps telling me it will get better. My acquaintances from across the globe say the same things. But, when I see a light at the end of the tunnel I will let you know.

  2. I just keep re-reading this one. I have long handed people the power to approve of me; don’t know if I’m a people-pleaser. But what you write about the nature of your husband’s love makes sense of it all to me: if I kept being that person that by his lights he loves (loved), I could keep getting his love–at the price of only getting to be the parts of me he wanted. I keep more than my sexuality under wraps because of our dynamic. Thanks for writing.


  3. With every fiber of my being I was screaming “No” from the inside,albeit, it was buried and muffled. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. But during my whole wedding I kept thinking about the “one thing” that I hadn’t given myself the permission to explore with the dignity it deserved and now I am lost in it’s reflection.

    Once again ur blog has me in tears with how much ur story resonates with me. Especially the above quote.
    To the day I have a memory: I am standing in the hotel, covered from top to toe in white and tulle (a massive meringue puff lol) about to walk out the door to the awaiting limousine to take me to the wedding ceremony. My mum turns to me and says ‘are you sure you want to do this? There is no hard feelings if we call it off.’ I looked at her and said ‘no I’m sure’ and the massive smile she gave was enough to know I was doing the right thing….. by others. Not the right thing by me.

    Thankyou once again for making me feel that I am normal with my thoughts and emotions while I am going through this internal battle. X

  4. I just discovered your blog and wow your story sounds just like mine. I thought I was looking into a mirror image of my life. Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I don’t feel alone. I am married 9 years always new I was a lesbian but its not accepted in my family. So I did the “right” thing got married had 2 children. Now I am soooo unhappy and long to be the real me! All of my friends are lesbian. I go to anything that I can that involves GLBT. Which has helped greatly. Hard part is dealing with my marriage, he wants to fix it and change me:( Says we need to make it work for our daughters. I am selfish to want to be happy. So I thank you! I will continue to read. I wish you all the best!

    • Im sorry it took so long to reply. Thank you for reading my blog and im so happy that you dont feel so alone. You are not selfish in being who you are. Thsts like telling someone who writes with thier left hand that they are being too stubborn because they dont use the same hand as the majority of the population. Its not selfishness or stubborness, its doing what comes naturally to your heart and mind.
      I hope you have more chances in this next year to listen to your heart.

  5. Honey, what I think I read is that there have been fundamental differences between you and your husband almost since you married, even before that. You have an idealistic bent to you. You want to pursue your art, you want to pursue your causes, and you want to stand up for progressive thoughts and beliefs. You also have an extended obligation to your sister and other blood relatives at well. He doesn’t have any of that. He has his own obligations, trials and tribulations. The two of you don’t seem to understand each other very well, with him having by far the most trouble understanding. When you can’t fit together very well, that causes distance. He cannot understand your orientation, which I take to be a wish that you could fall deeply in love with a woman and make a life with her. He sees one factor in that and he’s willing to let you make love with a woman, as long as he is the bedrock of your existence. He may try to understand other differences between you and him, but he can’t bridge that gap. I hope he doesn’t take you for granted and still cares deeply for you, but people who care deeply for each other aren’t quite in love and maybe never have. Your orientation is not his fault. He loves you deeply (I hope) and he may want to fix your hurt from that. Other things are harder to fix. Does this make any sense? I’m taking his side because maybe he can’t express his feelings. I just hope you and he can always care deeply for one another and love what you have done together. If there is a divorce, I hope he doesn’t feel it’s on the sole issue of orientation. It won’t be, but it’s easy for a man (or a woman) to think that way. I also wish you all the success you can take as a creative woman and a crusader for your causes and as a friend and encourager to your sister and to others who are climbing up in the world.

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