Christmas lights


I was driving home tonight in a rather ok mood. I had just gotten done with a class. I was in mid thought about color-mixing and silly things because my mind tends to wander. I saw a beautifully decorated home that was lit up as if it were ready for a Lifetime Christmas special. I don’t know what initially upset me but it stung my heart. It was a picture of perfection from the outside but who knew how the inside looked. I just knew that my home would not have that sparkle unless I crawled all over it alone, stringing lights and begging for help at random moments. My husband would scratch his head and grumble about timing and not being aware that we were going to “do this now.”
I pictured myself buying and wrapping presents by myself. I saw his face screw into a grinch-like grimace as he exclaimed his dislike of the season and the excess. My heart would dim a bit more, my love for Christmas was slowly evaporating each year as he would jab at the cost of it all and the things we would “have to” attend.
I used to try to include him and still attempt to but my heart is no longer in it. The joy has been thoroughly sucked out of most of what I used to cherish. I always thought that in holidays like this, there would be this partnership where you both would be a part of decorating the tree and putting up lights. I thought it would be such fun to be a parent and go shopping together for our kids, not a chore.
I cried at that house because I knew that the only light that shines at mine was dimming with each passing year. I looked at that picture- perfect home and saw two people celebrating a season together and showing the world their joy through sparkling wreaths and Icicle lights. I yearn for that kind of joy. I want a home where the dog gets a new bone and bed for Christmas like its a part of the family, not thrown outside because it’s gotten into the garbage again. (Hey, when we feed them on a regular schedule we don’t seem to have that problem but what do I know.) I know no relationship is gonna be perfect, no person will ever be perfect but there is something that I miss terribly every holiday I encounter. I miss having a partner who will work with me as much as they want to play with me. I want someone who will surprise me with a beautifully lit home. I want to have a merry Christmas without the bah- humbug! I want my children to play loud and enjoy a life that sparkeled on the outside as much as it does on the inside…

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Life, Self Discovery

4 Comments

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  1. Wow. That really is stunning!

  2. With each post, I cry a little more. You are telling my life, almost to a tee. To know I’m not the only one, the relief is overwhelming.
    Thank you so much.

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