Sometimes my life looks very grim on the inside, while a sparkling ball on the outside. We all go to dark places from time to time and I think I’m no different than most in that matter. The wandering thought of what would happen if I weren’t around. I don’t ever go so far as to contemplate the bad part because to me, that goes too far. Too grim. Too disturbing and untouchable. I found my overdosed sibling on too many occasions to ever want that on a family member, but the thoughts still linger like mosquitos at dusk. Mean and greedy. They take what little enjoyment you have and leave you with a welt of unease. My heart is weary from dealing with day to day life. Forgetting to pay bills. Splattering my facebook wall with small accomplishments so that I feel like I did get something done. When going to bed seems almost unimaginable as waking up. I hang on to dream land for as long as I can. My dreams seem to be talking to me in a language I have not yet learned or want to acknowledge.
It’s so hard to be human. We are so complex and so are our relationships. Every detail is not a pro and con. There is no facebook test to understand the depth of all our emotions, but we all endlessly look there. I know I do. I wish for the day I will get an email or a message saying “come with me… I know what you are going through… let me help you work it out.” I don’t know what the answer is. This whole blog isn’t a movie where there ever may be an end other than a quiet forgotten demise as I move on to other things. I have many friends who have gone through this, and left thier husbands. I have yet to be that brave or reckless? I’m not sure which it is quite yet (for myself.) For them it was the right move, for a few others, they still stay and so far, that is the right move. I am definitely not one to judge. I barely can speak about how I feel when it comes to this. Mariage is not like anything else a person can experience. You decide at certain age that this person is “THE ONE” and you commit to them for the rest of your life. Rarely does anyone ever go in thinking that it’s a temporary gig. Then ther are people like me, who adamantly insist on it being FOREVER. Because anything can be worked out, right? Until I realize I never addressed my sexuality. I never assesed the situation. I ignored a large part of who I am to have a happily ever after in a perfect straight safe world. Not fair. Not fair to him. Not fair to my kids. Not fair and selfish? Kinda. I’m on the fence about that. Insecurities are less about being selfish and more about fear. It was my fear that held me back.
I look back and see how much my fear had held me back. I was hanging out in gay bars when I was single. But I had hoped someone would choose me. Somone would show me the way. My fear kept me from going after actually pursuing what I wanted. So when I met my husband, it was easy. He was kind and it felt safe. No one judged me for this straight relationship. I was actually aplauded for such a conceptually “perfect” pairing. We had broken up because I felt I couldn’t be my authentic self with him and my mom told me I wouldn’t find anyone better, so we got back together. I kept hoping that some woman would show up and grab my hand and tell me not to be afraid. That I could be gay or bi and I didn’t have to hide it. There was no Trevor Project or “It Gets Better” Campaign. I still had an image of my Aunt’s straight married “friend” in my head. It wasn’t ok. It was frowned upon. I could like guys. Guys were easy and I could deal with them because I was taught that we were there for them, not for ourselves. Even though I grew up with a lesbian aunt in my life almost every weekend during the summer, we were supposed to chase boys. I had crushes on girls. I just ignored them and chose boys to “crush on” just not to seem different. As I got older I feared my ever growing interest in women, knowing the fallout from “switching teams” would be brutal. What if I wanted to switch back? I was filled with such shame. I still am. More now because of how much my fear holds me back to such a maddening depth.
Being honest is a double edged sword you sometimes end up cutting yourself with.
Being honest is a double edged sword you sometimes end up cutting yourself with. There’s no easy way to mince words that hurt. No kind way to let someone know that you are hurting and there is nothing they can do to help you as you push the truth in deeper. Sometimes you come out ok, but usually with truths this hard the wound is deep and to the quick. There is nothing worse than hurting the ones you love so I try at all costs to avoid doing just that to both our detriment. I wonder how deep my pain runs because I shovel life and busy schedule on top and hope that it doesn’t erupt at an inconvenient time. I hide my feelings in aspirations of a beautiful life, otherwise known as “Fake it, till ya make it.” I don’t always fake it and that’s what keeps me guessing. Is this what happy and normal look like. Do we all have swords of truth at the ready? Are we all faking it just to get by?
I have a friend who is going to literally hike a mountain that is on most people’s bucket list. I say “friend” loosely, as we really just nod to eachother on FB from time to time. Her life looks pretty authentic and flat out amazing. There are others too that have beautiful pictures, captioned with great times. I wonder how many are faking it and how many are authentic. There’s no judgement either way, cause I know that no one is perfect, and that we all have and let different levels of authenticity show. I know we can’t share it all on social media either. The level of scrutiny is so high. My point is, I want to be authentic and live honestly with little apology, whatever that looks like. Like my hiker friend. My fear is that it may look completely different than it does now.
I cannot even fathom a world where I leave my husband because in that world I would have wounded him so badly he might not recover. There has never been an apology that can mend a broken heart, no matter how heartfelt it is. There is no greater pain than to be the perpetrator of such an offense to someone you love. That is why my mind lingers too long in the dark. That is why I find myself between two places, constantly teetering between desire and will. So I opt to keep shoveling schedules and art over daydreams and perspective. I opt to get lost in social media and baking goodies than to plug my thoughts into a blog post that makes me painfully aware of how bare I feel. It ‘s hard to ignore your truth when it’s clearly typed before you.
I’m not sure what my next move is or if I could even make one as I have been in this concrete stance since I came out to him, mainly to protect him and his ego and honestly the stability of our marriage. It’s all cool to have a wife that likes girls, not so cool if she’d leave you because of it. Also, none of the other flaws in our marriage would matter, just that I am a lesbian, that would be the nail in the proverbial coffin, aka; All my fault. Ouch. What the fuck am I doing here? Why can’t I just run away? Why does it have to be so damn hard?