Authenticity and Fear


bd34c4856d4257817387ec946a9fc5c8Sometimes my life looks very grim on the inside, while a sparkling ball on the outside. We all go to dark places from time to time and I think I’m no different than most in that matter. The wandering thought of what would happen if I weren’t around. I don’t ever go so far as to contemplate the bad part because to me, that goes too far. Too grim. Too disturbing and untouchable. I found my overdosed sibling on too many occasions to ever want that on a family member, but the thoughts still linger like mosquitos at dusk. Mean and greedy. They take what little enjoyment you have and leave you with a welt of unease. My heart is weary from dealing with day to day life. Forgetting to pay bills. Splattering my facebook wall with small accomplishments so that I feel like I did get something done. When going to bed seems almost unimaginable as waking up. I hang on to dream land for as long as I can. My dreams seem to be talking to me in a language I have not yet learned or want to acknowledge.

It’s so hard to be human. We are so complex and so are our relationships. Every detail is not a pro and con. There is no facebook test to understand the depth of all our emotions, but we all endlessly look there. I know I do. I wish for the day I will get an email or a message saying “come with me… I know what you are going through… let me help you work it out.” I don’t know what the answer is. This whole blog isn’t a movie where there ever may be an end other than a quiet forgotten demise as I move on to other things. I have many friends who have gone through this, and left thier husbands. I have yet to be that brave or reckless? I’m not sure which it is quite yet (for myself.) For them it was the right move, for a few others, they still stay and so far, that is the right move. I am definitely not one to judge. I barely can speak about how I feel when it comes  to this. Mariage is not like anything else a person can experience. You decide at certain age that this person is “THE ONE” and you commit to them for the rest of your life. Rarely does anyone ever go in thinking that it’s a temporary gig. Then ther are people like me, who adamantly insist on it being FOREVER. Because anything can be worked out, right? Until I realize I never addressed my sexuality. I never assesed the situation. I ignored a large part of who I am to have a happily ever after in a perfect straight safe world. Not fair. Not fair to him. Not fair to my kids. Not fair and selfish? Kinda. I’m on the fence about that. Insecurities are less about being selfish and more about fear. It was my fear that held me back.

I look back and see how much my fear had held me back. I was hanging out in gay bars when I was single. But I had hoped someone would choose me. Somone would show me the way. My fear kept me from going after actually pursuing what I wanted. So when I met my husband, it was easy. He was kind and it felt safe. No one judged me for this straight relationship. I was actually aplauded for such a conceptually “perfect” pairing. We had broken up because I felt I couldn’t be my authentic self with him and my mom told me I wouldn’t find anyone better, so we got back together.  I kept hoping that some woman would show up and grab my hand and tell me not to be afraid. That I could be gay or bi and I didn’t have to hide it. There was no Trevor Project or “It Gets Better” Campaign. I still had an image of my Aunt’s straight married “friend” in my head. It wasn’t ok. It was frowned upon. I could like guys. Guys were easy and I could deal with them because I was taught that we were there for them, not for ourselves. Even though I grew up with a lesbian aunt in my life almost every weekend during the summer, we were supposed to chase boys. I had crushes on girls. I just ignored them and chose boys to “crush on” just not to seem different. As I got older I feared my ever growing interest in women, knowing the fallout from “switching teams” would be brutal. What if I wanted to switch back? I was filled with such shame. I still am. More now because of how much my fear holds me back to such a maddening depth.

Being honest is a double edged sword you sometimes end up cutting yourself with.

Being honest is a double edged sword you sometimes end up cutting yourself with. There’s no easy way to mince words that hurt. No kind way to let someone know that you are hurting and there is nothing they can do to help you as you push the truth in deeper. Sometimes you come out ok, but usually with truths this hard the wound is deep and to the quick. There is nothing worse than hurting the ones you love so I try at all costs to avoid doing just that to both our detriment. I wonder how deep my pain runs because I shovel life and busy schedule on top and hope that it doesn’t erupt at an inconvenient time. I hide my feelings in aspirations of a beautiful life, otherwise known as “Fake it, till ya make it.” I don’t always fake it and that’s what keeps me guessing. Is this what happy and normal look like. Do we all have swords of truth at the ready? Are we all faking it just to get by?

I have a friend who is going to literally hike a mountain that is on most people’s bucket list. I say “friend” loosely, as we really just nod to eachother on FB from time to time. Her life looks pretty authentic and flat out amazing. There are others too that have beautiful pictures, captioned with great times. I wonder how many are faking it and how many are authentic. There’s no judgement either way, cause I know that no one is perfect, and that we all have and let different levels of authenticity show. I know we can’t share it all on social media either. The level of scrutiny is so high. My point is, I want to be authentic and live honestly with little apology, whatever that looks like. Like my hiker friend. My fear is that it may look completely different than it does now.

I cannot even fathom a world where I leave my husband because in that world I would have wounded him so badly he might not recover. There has never been an apology that can mend a broken heart, no matter how heartfelt it is. There is no greater pain than to be the perpetrator of such an offense to someone you love. That is why my mind lingers too long in the dark. That is why I find myself between two places, constantly teetering between desire and will. So I opt to keep shoveling schedules and art over daydreams and perspective. I opt to get lost in social media and baking goodies than to plug my thoughts into a blog post that makes me painfully aware of how bare I feel. It ‘s hard to ignore your truth when it’s clearly typed before you.

I’m not sure what my next move is or if I could even make one as I have been in this concrete stance since I came out to him, mainly to protect him and his ego and honestly the stability of our marriage. It’s all cool to have a wife that likes girls, not so cool if she’d leave you because of it. Also, none of the other flaws in our marriage would matter, just that I am a lesbian, that would be the nail in the proverbial coffin, aka; All my fault. Ouch. What the fuck am I doing here? Why can’t I just run away? Why does it have to be so damn hard?

 

8 Comments

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  1. Wow.

    I knew I could never love a man in the way a person deserves to be loved. It could only end in misery, for everyone, whether or not I ever came out.

    I wasn’t smarter than you were. I didn’t see things any more clearly. I have the utmost empathy. What I saw through a glass darkly, you see face to face.

  2. Reading this scares me so much for you. I’ve been where you are and I’ve been utterly frozen with despair, the feeling that nothing I do will resolve the pain I’m in and have caused. My mind was focused on this issue 80-980% of my waking time (and some of my sleeping time too!), my mind was on this hamster wheel thinking the same thoughts over and over, desperately trying to find any solution other than the one that was in front of me – be myself honestly and openly, fulfill my hearts desire and fully and properly explore my sexuality. I came out to my boyfriend more than a year a go now and only very recently ended things with him and already I feel so much better, so much more optimistic about what life has in store for me. I could wallow in guilt at the extent that I’ve hurt him (and maybe I deserve to) but I’m not going to as it doesn’t serve either of us. By ending it with him, I’ve freed him to be able to find a partner who loves him in the way he truly deserves. I honestly believe that you have to be selfish to help others and that by staying in a relationship with him you’re doing more damage than you would otherwise. That at least has been my experience. I admire you so much for your strength, I hope so much things get better for you, no matter what you choose to do.

  3. I found your blog a couple months ago when I finally came to the realization and acceptance that I am sexually attracted to women. The words you write feel as though I could have written them. I am married and have two children and a step child with my husband which it makes it all that more difficult. Your posts hit right at home for me, especually this one. A few weeks ago I decided that I could no longer fake it. It would be one thing if we had a “perfect” relationship, but he is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, and just not happy with himself or anyone. Could I stay if there were not these other issues and my sexuality was the only thing in question? I do not know, but what I am sure of is how amazing I have been feeling telling him I want out. It feels amazing to start telling people I want to be with women. I have told my therapist, some family members, and a good friend of mine and each time it gets easier and right. There are still so many unknowns to figure out with everything, however I can honestly say I do not regret my decision to finally speak my mind. I am feeling the happiest I have in my adult life (besides when it comes to my kids) because I am being true to myself. It has taken many years to get to this point as I have struggled with depression and literally hit rock bottom. I have finally realized who I am and what I want to be happy. Just know that I completely understand the back and forth of this huge decision that is life changing for all involved. Listen to your instincts and it is alright to make decisions based on what you want. Too many times we do not listen to ourselves. So ask yourself, what will truly make you happy?

  4. theoccasionalman July 24, 2015 — 9:04 pm

    *Hug.* I reached a point where, if I kept doing what I had been doing, I was going to die. That’s what it took for me; you’re not there right now. At one time, I had to train myself to think of only positive things; not “I’m not doing this, so I’m worthwhile,” but “Self, look at this good thing I’m doing! Look at this other good thing in my life!” And that was more often with my kids or my job than my spouse. Just don’t lose your sense of who you are.

    PS: No-Longer-Angry Ricky is finally moving to Texas in a few weeks. Somewhere around Ft Worth.

    • No way!!! OMG! We have to meet! I need to give you a big hug!So good to hear from you! (I did not see your comment till now!)
      Yeah, I find that I look for proof that my life is good enough. Not sure we all will ever be entirely happy… so why not settle for easy? It’s maddening. Especially when people look at you and your life as if were a blueprint for what a happy marriage is supposed to look like.

  5. Hi Honey,

    I’m glad to find your post here. Always good to know there are other people in similar scenarios. I’m also married, happily to some extend, I have a child too.
    I have to say, that I feel so cheated by my sexuality, despite being always attracted no both men and women throughout my life – I’ve actually always felt very content in relationships with men only. When I met my husband I was SO in love with him, and so very attracted to him, I never expected things to change so dramatically at some point. But lately, last two years or so I feel so much more attracted to women than men… I feel like I’m 100% gay…. At first I thought I had some hormonal imbalance. My sexual desire towards my husband went down to zero, I feel depressed at times, and sorry for him, as he is also confused by my behaviour. I tend to switch off on him a lot, not sure how to explain my gradual but significant lost interest in sex with him…. He is great husband and amazing father. But I feel like I’m trapped and I don’t know if there is any chance of going back to how it use to be. All my fantasies evolve around girls, and I’m going crazy in my head. On the outside we look like happiest couple ever, and we do get better days occasionally but on the whole, it’s not pretty…

    • I hate that I thought I was bi, but ignored it because that was so fucking taboo. So when I got married I stuffed it away only to realize that not only was I bi, but I was a far leaning into women. It took some soul searching to really acknowledge where I am.
      I think we need to follow what makes us happy in spite of it not being “normal.” For me, right now, that means having an open relationship. Down the road it may mean something different. For you it may mean having a family and exhusband who is your best friend… that is entirely up to you. The good news is, you and he make up the rules, no one else. Big Hugs. Email me if you need anything

  6. I’s been a long time since I or anyone else on here has heard from you. I wonder about you, wondering about all that goes on in your life. Seems like there is so much more in your life than the simple headline, and people would like to know you and talk with you about that as well. You know a lot of things that others don’t, and you should have a life where you can accomplish a whole lot. Please post when you can about how things are going and whether you have had positives in your life other than Hillary winning. One person’s positive is another person’s… (Shrug.) (Smile.)

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